Hunger and Thirst

More today from Revive Our Hearts, I feel like I've just been pubbing for them nonstop lately

I had dinner with Liz yesterday, and we got to talk, among other things, about how we've been learning and growing spiritually - ahhh so beautiful!! She spoke of the feeling of joy, of being on cloud 9 in a sense, when we are walking steadily with the Lord and firmly vested in His Word. And she also said this (paraphrased) - if we can attain so much joy from readings books written about God (or, I might add, talking to others about God and listening to others about God), how much more joy would we gain from reading directly the Words of God? (And I might add, spending time in communion alone with God?)

Oh my goodness, yes. A thousand times yes.

This is the hunger and thirst that we need, all the time. Not for physical food, and not for physical rest or even mental rest no matter how great that desire may be. We need to hunger and thirst for the living Word, for a resting of our souls in the arms of His embrace.

Revive Our Hearts today was about family devotionals, but a few poignant lines:

"I knew at that moment that I needed to just start right there. So I gathered all four of my children andI said, "We're going to start reading through the Bible." And they all cheered and said, "We've been wanting to do that.""

"When you consistently read the Bible, it requires you to make changes to your life. The point of reading the Bible isn't just a read, it's to act on what it says."

Those were children as young as three, cheering at the prospect of reading God's word. Three year olds. What a blessing to grow up in such a God-fearing, and God-loving, home.

I learned recently that sometimes, Jewish men and women keep a box of Scriptures tied to their heads so that the Scripture may always be near them. I would love to do that, though maybe not literally tied to my head. I remember I always used to be jealous of the other boys and girls in church who knew the Bible well - for me though, it was more a status symbol (they get more stickers?? why not me!!)

But it's not a status thing. This is a life thing. Lord, let me hunger and thirst for you.

Rivers

1 Peter 3:3-4 and NLD

A gentle and quiet spirit is not the same as a gentle and quiet personality. There are some women in whom I see this spirit very clearly, whether or not there is a stereotypical personality to match - a spirit such as this is hard to miss and quite impossible to merely imitate - and it's really really so beautiful. I remember telling Vaneh once early in our BCEC days how I thought one of the women there was downright the most beautiful woman I'd ever met; I had absolutely no solid reason to point to in order to back this, yet this feeling that I'd just encountered true beauty was totally unshakable. I think, still, this was because of the godly character that just overflowed and completely poured from her.. Of course, there is nobody out there who is perfect. But her beauty was and is so evident.

Some time ago I think we had a sermon about rivers and undertows - the surface of a river may seem serene, but its undercurrent may be crazily harsh and turbulent. And, the surface of the river may seem tossed and churned by the winds and waves, yet its undertow may be steady and controlled. Essentially, outward appearance and circumstance do not determine one's spirit; but one's spirit will reveal itself a midst the circumstances.. At Highrock the other night we talked about this as well through NLD's message. Is the river of my life calm right now? Unfortunately I would have to say that it's probably not.. I think I feel more often the turbulence of storms that I often dream about rather than the quietness that should come from an utter dependence on God. Seasons will come and go... Let this not weigh you down, oh heart.. Sit at the Lord's feet and lay your burdens down, remember who is your sustenance, strength, and source of life and renewal.

From Him, Through Him, To Him

Revive Our Hearts 3-27

God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform; He plants his footsteps in the sea, And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines Of never failing skill, He treasures up his bright designs, And works his sovereign will. 

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take, The clouds ye so much dread Are big with mercy, and shall break In blessings on your head. 

Judge not the LORD by feeble sense, But trust him for his grace; For behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face. 

His purposes will ripen fast,[You may say, “Not fast enough for me!” It’s fast in God’s timetable.]Unfolding ev'ry hour; The bud may have a bitter taste, But sweet will be the flow'r. 

Blind unbelief is sure to err, And scan his work in vain; GOD is his own interpreter, And he will make it plain. 

- William Cowper

And some highlights from Nancy: 

Every day, every moment of the day, living with that supreme purpose at heart. It means having a God-centered perspective, turning our eyes upon Jesus, in whose light the things of this earth grow strangely dim. Am I right?

When you see the magnitude of His greatness, that gives us a context for our puny, little problems and challenges. 

... 

Married to Christ, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, and a lot of people are going to be finding out in the days ahead, “Did we really love Christ for who He is, or were we paid lovers, loving Him for what He can give us?”

... 

I love that quote of Martin Luther, who said, “God can draw a straight line with a crooked stick.” So when we cannot understand what He is doing or why He is doing it, it’s not our place to resist, to resent, to challenge, to dispute, but to humbly bow before His sovereignty, and His goodness, and His mercy, and His greatness, and the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God, and to align ourselves with His purposes and embrace His will.

The true woman who trusts God doesn’t have to strive. She doesn’t have to be afraid. She can relinquish control. She doesn’t have to manipulate and control the whole wide world, as if we could.

She doesn’t resent, or resist, or run from the cross. She embraces the cross with faith.

The need for micro-control, the need for certainty before every step, the need for confirmation and affirmation from others always, the need for A-B-C-D-E on top of what Christ has already given and what He has already promised... is that not just me saying to God, "It's not enough!! Give me more!!"?

"The leech has two daughters. 'Give, give!' they cry."
-- Proverbs 30:15

Ugh. Gross. I don't think I've ever understood what that meant. But perhaps this is it. What does God owe to me, other than his righteous and just judgment and wrath? Yet by His grace we are given life, mercy, love..

Rest content, soul, be still in His mercies and rest in His care...

Reflections from the weekend (so far)

[Pulled from Daylilies 2/26/12 and 365+Grateful Project 2/26/12]

Two posts in one day on this blog! This hasn't happened in a while. (Except with 365+ bahaha) But this will be short.


I'm at Starbucks, I was going to write my essay for the two hours between Evelyn's departure and the PDPT meeting ~~ but here I am almost an hour and a half in and I still have not done anything for my essay other than review all my chicken scratch.

Evelyn came to visit this weekend - not really to visit me but for her audition :) But we were able to have lots of fun too! We did the classics - Fanueil Hall/Quincy Market and North End (for cannolis!!!), Russell House for oysters bahaha, and dim sum this morning. I really enjoyed having Evelyn here for the weekend.

Her visit has also taught me a lot. I would say they are reminders, which I suppose they are in some sense, but what is a reminder but a re-learning, and what is a re-learning but a new learning? Everything is old, and everything is new.

I am selfish and prideful. 
I think so much of myself... it is not natural for me to think of others, truly, even though I like to think that it is and that I am a compassionate and loving person... it's not true. At all. Anything that seems that way in my life is the blessing of the Lord as He works in my heart. Evelyn has definitely shown me so much..

God is good. 
He knows all. He works through all. He understands us so well, and yet loves us so deeply... He has been working so powerfully in her life, even though she may not be seeing it yet. Just the same, the words she spoke to me and the ones I even spoke to her struck me in my heart deeply. God is so good. He knows what we need and when.. He knows what we struggle with and why. He knows also when and how we will grow because of these struggles and be delivered from them because He has already planned that path. And He loves us so much that He does not let us go mindlessly about...

God is faithful. 
He doesn't let us go... He doesn't leave us hanging. He fulfills his promises without fail, and He works in our lives sometimes quietly and unnoticed, sometimes less so, but always powerfully. His allowing us to see that is yet another blessing from Him as He guides us in our walks with Him.

There is more.

And there is still more that I have yet to learn. I know there will always be. And I hope that I will never feel that I've learned enough. 

I'm thankful for being able to host Evelyn this weekend. Wow I love the Tsen fam. <3

Winter Teen Conference 2012

[Pulled from 365+Grateful Project 2/20/12]

I hope that this conference was a blessing to the students who went, as well as the counselors and P. Justin too. It was definitely a blessing for me - a humbling, encouraging, and very revealing weekend.

Last year I went to WTC with literally a day's notice - one of the regular counselors had suddenly fallen sick and I went in her place. I think though, perhaps I was more prepared going in last year than this year. This year, I knew I was going to go for at least a month beforehand, yet even the week before, up to the day before I hadn't truly prepared for it... I was distracted, stressed, tired, putting my heart and thoughts more into other things than into a mindful, prayerful preparation of my own heart for the weekend. I prayed for the students and the retreat as a whole, for my girls... but not even half-heartedly. It seemed much more a rote, almost reluctant and forced duty than a genuine and burdened crying out to the Lord.

I arrived to PDAS on Friday with my mental, emotional, and physical baggage in tow. And I was frantic and fearful at this point - what was I going to do? How in the world was I going to do it! What was I thinking, signing up for this retreat? Why was I here??

I told myself fretfully, God can work through all, no matter what they deserve; I comforted myself by saying that it was ok that I didn't prepare myself, God was still gracious. And that He is... but the words that I spoke to myself were only empty shells of comfort attempting to cloak my excuses...

So I went into retreat carrying these feelings of shame, uselessness, disgust with myself, and fear of the inevitable failure I'd face as a small group leader (again, so revealing)... I also carried an enormous desire to do well, hoping to change the girls' lives - these two sides struggled against each other and all through the weekend, on the last day especially, I was convicted of this self-centered, not-at-all-God-honoring, utterly pointless struggling within myself. Jess shared during our morning meeting that she felt convicted of wanting to be the one who makes a difference in the girls' lives; I felt this as well, so so very much. It's really ridiculous how I felt this way especially given the state I was in prior to going, though perhaps that also explains my completely irrational and pompous attitude about it - if I had been more grounded in the Word and led by the Spirit, would I have realized how utterly dependent I ought to be on the Lord?

All throughout the weekend, God spoke to me through His word, P. Justin's messages, my small group's conversations, huddles, conversations with other counselors, times alone with Him... He was gracious to expound to my soul the half-hearted excuse-ridden empty words of comfort that I'd been giving myself earlier - He truly works through all as He wills and to His glory.

On the final day of WTC, one of my girls wrote me a little note of encouragement - I was reminded again of ATD's trip to DC and the hospital rounds we made. Sometimes God allows us to see a little glimpse, always so undeserved, of how He still chooses to work in and through us... I am so thankful for WTC this year, and the tremendous grace that God poured out in my life through it...

Temporary WTC post

Back from retreat! It was wonderful. I have not the mental capacity to write about it now. But I have suddenly noticed that I have 14 new bruises on my knees alone - how did this happen and why are they all separate/not one giant bruise??? I don't understand.

Relating to strange bodily ailments, my sister has finally found the medical term for our family's congenital ear piercings. In the event that anybody on Google searches for this, they're called preauricular pits or cysts and are not the most pleasant life experience. But not the end! Good luck to you and happy cleaning.

Cleaning Day

It's cleaning day! Because today is Yoojin-comes-to-stay-over-day and tomorrow is retreat and it's rainy which means it's perfect for laundry-vacuuming-dusting-packing-reorganizing.

There's a little trick I've learned recently to controlling clutter::: take a picture of the space, and you'll be able to more easily identify what should and should not be there. Our brains are wonderfully adept and can quickly skim over things that it's grown accustomed to -- i.e. patterns (this is a really poor and cut down explanation of why we can read things like this). Patterns can be in text, concepts, or spaces. I have no research-based scientific backing for this, but I think that based on our brains' ability to chunk things into patterns and store them into long term memory as "habits", we can similarly chunk our cluttered spaces into patterns. So unless you are very intentional about looking for clutter, it's easy to ignore it because it's "just always there anyway" (patterns!).

Cameras don't do that. When we look at a picture, we're looking at a frozen instance of space. Yes, inanimate objects are still inanimate objects (unless you live in Harry Potter world and every picture is alive), but the finality and distinct boundaries of a picture force our eyes and brains to explore the finite space, to actually process those patterns that we otherwise overlook (literally). Sometimes, we need to be slowed down by a physical picture (or digital, whatever) so that we can really process what's going on in that space.

I think the same goes for life in general. There is a lovely article on the Harvard Business Review about prioritization, with one quote that I really like:

"Many of us have become addicted, unwittingly, to the speed of our lives — the adrenalin high of constant busyness. We mistake activity for productivity, more for better, and we ask ourselves "What's next?" far more often than we do "Why this?""

I would say that's very true, and generally descriptive of what I do with myself. Activity most definitely != productivity, and more != better, yet somehow we convinced ourselves otherwise (or just me).

From the article,

"It's only when we pause — when we say no to the next urgent demand or seductive source of instant gratification — that we give ourselves the space to reflect on, metabolize, assess, and make sense of what we've just experienced. 

Taking time also allows us to collect ourselves, refuel and renew, and make conscious course corrections that ultimately save us time when we plunge back into the fray."

It's been a theme in my life for a while now, I'm such a slow learner... but I think that I've been internalizing and exerting this more. Hopefully.

Welps, happy cleaning day! And also I can't wait to eat my lunch!