Minimizing Sin

It's easy to minimize sin, trying to convince ourselves and others (and unfortunately, often successfully, despite whatever cognitive dissonance) that sin is not really that bad.

"It's just once", "I'm not really hurting anybody", "Everybody does this", "Nobody has to know", "It's not a big deal", so on and so forth...

I think as Christians, we know it's not right to minimize sin. I think we know that everything we do and think and say is not just "to ourselves and won't harm anyone", but rather a capital (literally) offense against the most supreme God, who knows all our inner thoughts and motives and has the ultimate right and authority to judge.

As if that's no big deal.

We also know that our own sin will affect others - whether it is to turn someone else away from Christ because of our actions, to directly harm someone else even if we didn't realize it, basically to damage the relationship between us and others or others and God.

As if that's no big deal.

People are fickle though - we often sway too far to one side or to the other. Either sin is no big deal or sin is so debilitatingly great that we can't function. So to the other extreme then - is it possible to maximize/make too great a deal of sin?

I don't know if this is the right answer... But I don't think so. Sin is sin is sin, and no sin is so small that it doesn't grieve God. I think that part of what it means to really grow in Christ is to understand the weight and depth and despicableness and destructiveness and horror of sin, no matter what it looks like.

I think there is no problem with "maximizing" sin, because of Who it is ultimately against. It is maximum. But instead, the problem on this side is that we minimize the power of God. We think our sin is too great for God to bear, we think that His grace is not sufficient, that His sacrifice does not suffice, that His Words do not heal and His power does not overcome.

This can lead to despair and bitterness, and to giving up - which consequently, funny enough (haha, not), can lead to the complete other side of the pendulum. "It's too hard to deal with this", so therefore, sin is not that bad after all. Isn't it funny how cognitive dissonance works?

Oh, how completely hopeless and futile our ways are when we're left to our own devices.. it brings to mind the passage in Romans 1, where God gives up the people to their own ways because though they knew Him, they did not glorify or give thanks to Him.

Sometimes I don't understand myself

Actually, make that a lot of the time..

Isn't it wonderful that we have a God who knows the depths of our hearts? Who sees everything, gross and disgusting and all, the things we may not yet see or understand or admit, yet still loves us so?

To be fully known and fully loved is something that I think every heart seeks but I also think so few really understand or get to experience. Maybe that is just the cynical part of me? God doesn't wish that any should perish [a], yet so often even we who have been bought with a price live as though we were not. Who can say that their heart is pure? [c]

I think I understand more and more Paul's laments of what I now see as utter despair in Romans 7. He cries out with such desperation, "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Can you hear the sorrow in his voice?

Maybe we need to be in such a place of desperation before we can understand the depth of what he says next. The Gospel, without an understanding of sin, is still the Gospel, in all the glory and majesty and awesomeness that it is. But who can accept it and its weight without that understanding of sin? And even as Christians, no matter how long a Christian, if we do not continually come to a place of this recognition, I think our faith can then teeter into the realms of self dependency, ungratefulness, salvation by works, and a whole other host of stuff..

Lord, please keep us at your feet, always, according to your mercy...

Winter Teen Conference 2012

[Pulled from 365+Grateful Project 2/20/12]

I hope that this conference was a blessing to the students who went, as well as the counselors and P. Justin too. It was definitely a blessing for me - a humbling, encouraging, and very revealing weekend.

Last year I went to WTC with literally a day's notice - one of the regular counselors had suddenly fallen sick and I went in her place. I think though, perhaps I was more prepared going in last year than this year. This year, I knew I was going to go for at least a month beforehand, yet even the week before, up to the day before I hadn't truly prepared for it... I was distracted, stressed, tired, putting my heart and thoughts more into other things than into a mindful, prayerful preparation of my own heart for the weekend. I prayed for the students and the retreat as a whole, for my girls... but not even half-heartedly. It seemed much more a rote, almost reluctant and forced duty than a genuine and burdened crying out to the Lord.

I arrived to PDAS on Friday with my mental, emotional, and physical baggage in tow. And I was frantic and fearful at this point - what was I going to do? How in the world was I going to do it! What was I thinking, signing up for this retreat? Why was I here??

I told myself fretfully, God can work through all, no matter what they deserve; I comforted myself by saying that it was ok that I didn't prepare myself, God was still gracious. And that He is... but the words that I spoke to myself were only empty shells of comfort attempting to cloak my excuses...

So I went into retreat carrying these feelings of shame, uselessness, disgust with myself, and fear of the inevitable failure I'd face as a small group leader (again, so revealing)... I also carried an enormous desire to do well, hoping to change the girls' lives - these two sides struggled against each other and all through the weekend, on the last day especially, I was convicted of this self-centered, not-at-all-God-honoring, utterly pointless struggling within myself. Jess shared during our morning meeting that she felt convicted of wanting to be the one who makes a difference in the girls' lives; I felt this as well, so so very much. It's really ridiculous how I felt this way especially given the state I was in prior to going, though perhaps that also explains my completely irrational and pompous attitude about it - if I had been more grounded in the Word and led by the Spirit, would I have realized how utterly dependent I ought to be on the Lord?

All throughout the weekend, God spoke to me through His word, P. Justin's messages, my small group's conversations, huddles, conversations with other counselors, times alone with Him... He was gracious to expound to my soul the half-hearted excuse-ridden empty words of comfort that I'd been giving myself earlier - He truly works through all as He wills and to His glory.

On the final day of WTC, one of my girls wrote me a little note of encouragement - I was reminded again of ATD's trip to DC and the hospital rounds we made. Sometimes God allows us to see a little glimpse, always so undeserved, of how He still chooses to work in and through us... I am so thankful for WTC this year, and the tremendous grace that God poured out in my life through it...

In our weakness

A few months ago, my dad spoke about Samson - about how as a man of faith he was made strong in his weakness, and how through suffering we can experience God. Hebrews 11 has always been both interesting and confusing to me. None of the people brought up in the passage led sinless lives -- far from it, and of course not unexpected. (After all, who can say that they've lived a sinless life? Only one holds that right.) But of course I didn't understand that. I used to think, "hey wait a minute that's not fair, I know that person did this and that other person did that, they're not people of faith!" ......HAH!! How ridiculously judgmental. How foolishly arrogant. How utterly, shamefully, and pathetically did I miss the point. (And still do, so easily.)

Faith does not come alone, and good works are the fruit, the evidence of faith. BUT those men and women's actions alone didn't earn them a rank in Paul's writings, nor did their actions disqualify them from faith. Faith, and all that comes with it, is from God and God alone... and ours is a God who, though He is the Holiest of Holies who will not tolerate sin in any form and holds the absolute right and authority to destroy us with no hesitation... had His own Son carry our sin in our stead, and offers us life everlasting in return. Redemption, grace instead of punishment, life instead of destruction. (What in the world did I know of fairness?) What could possibly be more unfair? Ours is a God who blesses and curses, who heals and breaks, who grows and destroys, who gives and takes away. This is a God under whom we rightly ought to live in fear and trembling, and by His fathomless grace gives us hope, forgiveness, a new identity as beloved sons and daughters.

Samson was the promised son, granted divine strength, power, and blessings far beyond his family name. And he was arrogant. He took his gifts for granted and fastened those blessings to himself as part of a self-constructed identity -- and he didn't realize that the Lord had left him when he told Delilah of his secret, having totally forgotten who granted him that gift in the first place. After months in the Philistine jail, Samson was physically weak, literally blind, and publicly humiliated... but he was also changed. No longer did he believe that he could do it all, but I think we can see he recognized the true source of all that he had. He called out to the Lord, crying out in desperation for God to remember him just once more... Though we do not know the exact state of his heart and thoughts all those months later, we can know that he truly lived to be the man of faith as Paul wrote of him in Hebrews all those years later.

How often do I look to a self-constructed identity, based upon the things I think I've accomplished and the things I think I have? I think that I can do it all, while in truth apart from God's grace I can do nothing. And I think with deep undertones of arrogance, while so oft forgetting the source of everything I have been given. All that I have accomplished and all that I have is only through Him and Him alone.. I can rightfully take no credit... And though my penchant for overscheduling and overloading is a pattern that I've noticed over and over in my life, it wasn't until recently that I finally realized, wow, this is not just a "personality thing". It's not something for which I can simply point to my ambitiousness and leave at that, nor try to explain is due to my wide-spread interests, or even say is the fault of poor time management or "poor stewardship". No matter how true or untrue each of these may be, they are only a mere outward layer. The core of the matter is that it's yet another idol, another deeply lodged sin and a whoring of the heart after other gods. It's a meaningless pride in "my own" abilities, nurtured, indulged, and manifested, and it'd be pointless to try and sugar coat that. Like Samson, I so easily forgot what the true source of my strength is..

From one view, it would be so easy to just try and patch this all up with a simple formula, with a little "oh ok that's fine Lulu, let's just start to limit the amount of activities you take on" and "psh no worries, let's just do a re-vamp of your schedule". While I do think that is necessary at any rate, a silly little bandage like this does not heal. How circular and utterly meaningless. Sheer determination can only get me so far, and I realize this over and over again as I try my best and continue relying only on that. But realization is not repentance. And praise the Lord for His mercy which does lead to repentance! Even still, "I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" How true Paul's words now ring - of a true hopelessness in light of himself... Yet he ends it with hope, in light of God's mercies. "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

All this running about, all this doing this and doing that, it's all meaningless without a driving force and fixed vision that is firmly rooted in and fed by all that God is, and all that His Gospel means. It's all just sinking sand, a blind chasing after the wind, all meaningless ventures if there is not a constant recognition of where I come from, who I am, why I am the way I am, and where I am going. And all these selfish little "I-I-I" questions, in the end they all only lead back to who God is. There is no other answer. He says to me, Child, be still and know that I am God. Heart, soul, why are you so often not still? In the rushing of troubled waters, there is only turmoil and a hurried and rash obscuring of that which truly matters. When you are weak, there He will be shown all the more to be strong... When you are weary, there know again Who grants you rest... When you remember again how you are only a jar of clay, and how broken and withered a vessel at that, there, remember also what you are crafted and constantly remolded to carry.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."

Look back on this later, self. Look back and remember.

A Treatise

During my senior year at Wellesley, I often talked about Carol Dweck and her work's impact on me. Here is a short treatise on:

How psychology changes lives

One of the most influential people in my life is a woman named Carol Dweck. Carol is a social psychologist currently working from Stanford University. I've never actually met her in person, but her research about mindsets and failure helped to change my perception and understanding of myself. I grew up believing that failure was bad, and that failure in any way was a sign of my ineptitude as a human being. I had to avoid failure at all costs because I needed to uphold my image of being "smart", of being a good daughter, capable, put together, a good role model, etc..

Reading about Dweck's work opened up the floodgates for me in a sense - it helped me to better understand where I was coming from, why I was the way I was, what I could do to move forward. From her work, I understood that failure is not a condition in which I am eternally bound; rather, it stems from a mindset from which I was capable of breaking through hard work and perseverance. Looking back on my senior year, I have to say that her work was an important part in my pulling through thesis/antithesis - not only that, but it helps inform me in the ways that I think about education and instruction.

Sounds lovely right? And I held to this pretty firmly. I shared this with others who would listen, and I encouraged others to look at her work and research for themselves.

I even wrote up a nice little blog post about it, see?

But after writing this, even in my thinking of writing this, I realized how empty and meaningless our world's psychology really is.

Another Treatise, then:

How the Gospel changes lives

One of the most influential people in my life is a man named Jesus. Jesus is the Son of the Living God, wholly man and wholly God, who walked the earth more than twenty centuries ago. He currently lives in a time and space that I can't quite understand, everywhere and everytime, and also in me. I've never actually met him in person, but I have met him many times, and his life, death, and resurrection have changed my perception and understanding of myself. I grew up believing that failure was bad, and that failure in any way was a sign of my ineptitude as a human being. I had to avoid failure at all costs because I needed to uphold my image of being "smart", of being a good daughter, capable, put together, a good role model, etc..

Knowing Jesus opened up the floodgates for me - it helped me to better understand where I was coming from, why I am the way I am, what I could do moving forward. From the Gospel, I understood that failure is a condition in which I was eternally bound; it is not something as simple as a mindset from which I can break through merely hard work and perseverance. Indeed, it is impossible to escape through any way, except by the power of his life, death, and resurrection. Looking back on my past twenty-some years, I have to say that his work - his Father's work - his Spirit's work, are the most important and dare I say only real part in my pulling through thesis/antithesis - not only that, but it is the only thing that can give me hope, strength, and a future.

Sounds lovely right? And I hold to this firmly. Yet I do not boldly share this with others who would listen, and though I wish to encourage others to look at this for themselves, I do not nearly as often as I wish.

I only wrote up a nice little blog post about it, see?

But after writing this, even while thinking of writing this, I realized how empty and meaningless our world really is without it.


I am but a work-in-progress... and works-in-progress in the agile cycle are iteratively thrown into the fire.


Lord, throw me in.

Undeserved Love

How deep the Father's love for us

Ever since I can remember, from early elementary on, I tried hard to be loved by those around me - friends, teachers, family, even strangers. I even remember bringing snacks for the kids at my table just to curry their favor. A people-pleaser at heart.

I also linked love with favor and approval - i.e. if somebody was disappointed in me, in my head that meant their love for me was gone. Of course, this would inevitably happen, and I interpreted this as growing evidence that I was therefore unlovable. So as the years passed, I built a thick wall of callousness around myself. I told myself that I didn't need the approval of others, and I really believed it. I began to dissociate myself from others, not necessarily in an antisocial way, but in an aloof and disconnected way, where I could prevent myself from ever losing their love and approval. I reasoned to myself, however unconsciously, that if I don't let anyone close, then I can't get hurt. If I don't let others see my faults and know my insecurities, then I won't lose anything. If I don't invest, I won't be hurt. If I don't take a leap of faith, then I can't fall.

If I don't try, I can never fail.

So that became one of the core philosophies that I carried across all aspects of my life, and it infused my relationships, my work, my studies, my spiritual walk...

Praise the Lord, for he had no plans for me to stay this way. He blessed me with my family, who love through thick and thin, who know more of my faults than I care to think about, and who care more for my good than my comfort. And he blessed me with dear friends who know and love me beyond my closely guarded surface, who stick through hardships and challenge me to grow, who can show their love in truth through both approval and disapproval. Little by little through the years, the walls have been torn away. It's scary to be vulnerable, but that's where true fellowship begins.


As much as I'd like to be and try to be, I'm not a reflective person by nature. My instinct is to think just of the present, ignoring both past and future. I'm definitely a present-oriented hedonist. Reflection takes time and effort, and all too often unearths pain, guilt, and regret. But I forget that it unearths many more treasures, and deepens joy and gratitude. With remembrance comes gratitude, and with gratitude comes praise.

Praise that Lord. We cannot curry God's love - it's poured down on us, completely undeserved. There's nothing we can do to add to it, and nothing we can do to deplete it. His love is not shown simply through approval, but through gentle and firm discipline. This is a philosophy that has not infused my life, but one that I hope and pray is taking deeper hold each day.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.

Quotables

"I swear to you... that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness" - Fyodor Dostoevksy, Notes from the Underground, 1864

So very true.. It is a sickness of the soul, knowing how little we can reach even our own standards that we so hypocritically judge others by. The more you become aware and conscious, the more you realize the depth and uncontrollableness of this sickness. 

It is only by the grace of our Lord that we are ever able to bow down in utter brokenness before his feet, in recognition of and thankfulness for his gift of healing, freedom, redemption, that we may be released from this otherwise incurable sickness. 

Gifts

Verses are put into one's  heads and hearts for a reason I think.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 7:7-12

This reminds me of what someone once said (I forgot who this was, or where I heard it from - anybody know?) about a father who hid away a shiny red bike for his son in their garage, and then set about to convince his son that he wanted a shiny red bike for his birthday. The son is eventually set in his mind that he does in fact want a shiny red bike, and lo and behold, the father produces it from their garage for the momentous occasion. A short and simple story, but the point of it was that God has prepared good gifts for His children, and He wants His children to want it as much as He wants to give it to them. When they do desire it, He is more than happy to give it to them. He won't substitute that with a cheap imitation, or a stone or a snake.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

James 1:16-18

God will not fool you. He knows better than we do, and what we cannot see or feel or reason in ourselves is not a sign that it cannot be possible, but rather a reason all the more for us to trust wholly in Him... Perfect love drives out fear. Fear of failure and rejection - of the unknown, the unsure, the unstable.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. - 1 Corinthians 13:7

He who gave us such a capacity to love must have so much more capacity to love. And He who has so much capacity to love that He is love chooses to shower His love upon us ~ what reason do we have to worry? What reason do we have to fear?

Fireworks and hot dogs

It's July 4th! Just another day in the history books of most every other country - another day in the span of time that we won't really ever understand. Excuse my mind as it runs away in a blur of streams of consciousness kindofbutnotreally

It's interesting how we celebrate this day here - one day in a year to commemorate the freedom that we have - just as we have one day a year to remember our veterans, presidents, etc etc etc... I guess the next step was to have months of remembrance right? So are there years of remembrance? How about decades? Centuries? Nahh, too much for people to take on. Our minds can only handle so much, and there are better things to do each day than to remember fill-in-the-blank-here all the time. This way we can be more efficient! Make better use of our busy lives. Now, spending each day as a remembrance to something - that would be a sight wouldn't it? Picture fireworks everyday :)

We have freedom from something greater - it's freedom from the inside out, from the confines of a soul tacked down by chains of eternity, that which we cannot see or feel, but can see and feel down to the depths of what we call our hearts. Shackles off my feet so I can dance - like King David to the hatred of his wife - just wanna praise you, unfettered and freed.

Happy Independence Day

It's humbling

to reread my thoughts from the days past... some of them I wish I could let the world know more - I wish that everyone could also experience the great love of God like He allowed me to in those moments... some I know are not meant to be shared with the whole world in that extent, hahaha, that they are God's gifts, of personal, intimate, sometimes hard and sometimes softly spoken words of love... Never has love been so piercing and so burning - painful, yet healing... It's like medicine, but totally not. Or shall I say, medicine is like that, but totally not.

A momentary pause

In the midst of a day/weekend of studying...

To look upon God's mercy. How can it be? That you my Savior would die for me? For me and my grossnesses. And these stains set so deeply within me, that I can only rightfully expect to be burned along with them and the chains that have sunken in my heart... Nothing can pull apart these cords of death and free me from my tangled snares except His blood. And isn't it so ironic, that blood, which stains heavily and irreversibly, is the only thing that can wash these other stains away? And isn't it strange that this plan set forth so so so long ago, was that the King should die for the salvation of His subjects, who continuously turn away and join His enemy's plans to destroy Him? That we who choose to betray Him are drawn ever closer to His heart... That He appointed these to be by Him forevermore?

It's not just ironic and strange. It's entirely unfair - a total turning of justice, a preposterous mystery that defies what we know to be natural and logical. Sigh..

Whoaa

Take a look at your life. Look at what has been provided, look at what has been revealed, look at what has been taken away, look at how much God has changed you by showing you more of Himself.

Look at this series of major life changes that have been uncovered, that are being pulled through, that are coming up ahead. There are many MLC's! And God's working in you through them all.

James 3. And, Concerning Epicness and Leaky Faucets (Or Water Balloons).

This is a post about my thoughts on 1.21.09 - and a disclaimer, this post does in fact reflect me at my fullest and not so fullest, complete with excerpts of streams-of-past-consciousness/journal-scribbling* and all. As people who read my blog may already know, whoever y'all are (hey drop a hi if you haven't yet, I'd like to stalk you know who you are), this is indeed a blog that holds my thoughts and ramblings, be them reflections or revelations or straight up randomness. So, um, sorry if it's not what you're looking for... That's ok, because it's the world wide web and it can do anything. Except for the things it can't do. 

A two part story - one about something so wild and untameable that the one who is able to bridle it is given the title 'Perfect'... the other about something crystalline, glistening with an unfathomable pureness, because well, it is (quite unfathomable).

How can fresh and salt water come from the same spring? Only if there are 2 sources to the spring. OMG there's a demon* living in my body and it's me - I am God's enemy!** But God has made me his friend! Not only that but his daughter! Not only that but his bride!!! That's kind of unbelievable, except it's true.

This passage especially tore at my heart that day... I am often so uncareful with my words to others, particularly my family, and at that moment, my sister. How can blessings and cursings come from the same mouth? How can both a word that lifts up and a word that tears down come from the same mouth? Only if there are 2 sources... and how can someone serve two masters? He can only love the one and despise the other...

And as to wisdom... Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one that doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

I read this after Cattoma urged me to. She said "Hey! This next section is about wisdom - what we talked about yesterday!*" And so I did, not at all realizing how much God would reveal to me in the process... As a quick back-story, one of the prayer requests that I had up to that point (and still have) is for wisdom. Wisdom, basically, in knowing how to live according to God's will... so I went to this passage expecting to just find what I'd found there the other times I'd read it. Little did I know, of course as I usually don't know, how much God had in store...

Even before I opened my Bible, God started speaking to me (and why would He be limited to a book anyway? :P) The whole day, I'd been feeling something akin to a water balloon that was going to pop. And as a sidenote, that has nothing to do with bodily functions - it's just the analogy I thought of at that time :|

So I went to my room and randomly flipped to Jan 18 on a Daily Prayers for China calendar... it landed on "The City of Chengdu". And my thought was this - God, how could you have used me so? How could I ever have deserved to work alongside you in that way? I'll do all the menial work, I'll sweep and clean the ground, because that's the closest thing to which I feel worthy... Yet God said to me, 'Child, even that is still working alongside me. I am there with you all the while... clearing the paths, readying the fields...' There is no task too great or too small in God's story.

Then the next thought that came to me was how much I love my parent, and how nothing I can ever do will repay them! What can I do then? I want to honor them and make them happy! How much more then would I ever be able to repay God? And how much more, more, more! do I want to please him?

I asked God how, why? Why of all creatures did you choose us humans? Why of all humans did you choose me? The hardest people, the murderers, you formed them in their mothers' wombs. The innocent child, the most loving and most hating... God you were the one who hardened Pharaoh's heart... Why then? Why did you choose me? You could have so easily hardened my heart too... and all for your glory!

The water balloon that was my heart that day - I realized how it was filled so much with tears of remorse... for the wastefulness that I saw as my life (at least parts of it. that sounds so depressing huh :P ), the terrible stewardship of what God's given to me. I looked sometimes at my actions and saw a big red stamp screaming "EPIC FAIL". Well, I don't know if it's really fail, but it's definitely epic. As fairytale and epic and adventurous my dreams (literally those REM dreams) may be, they cannot ever compare to the epicness of God's glory and of the story that He writes...

All God did in response to all my questions and tight throatedness (much like that of a frog, as I'd imagine it) was hold me in His arms... and that's all and more than I ever needed and need and will need... He allowed me a little glimpse of His everlasting love for me... haha and that's probably as much as I could have handled at that time too. Any more and I probably would have burst. Instead I just leaked a lot (again, nothing about bodily functions) Yea, I was pretty emotional... (God can use anything for His glory! Even PMS. :| ) and somewhere from the depths of my puddles came this thought - Jesus was an emotional man. 

My only clearly understandable response was this - I can't understand how glorious God is, no matter how much I ramble about it. That's awesome! That He's too awesome for comprehension. And that's awesome! That He allows us to have little glimpses of Him! Thank you God, only your hands would let me leak so beautifully. Not that I'm beautifully leaking, but that these tears are in awe of you... My smallest and my largest... they can only be beautiful when they're for you. 

Mamama, thanks for 'telling me something quick' :) This was another instance in life when a wisp of a butterfly's wings lead to an awe-ful hurricane.

And here's a song that popped up on my WMP earlier - it describes God's love so wonderfully...

What If?

Jadon Lavik

What if I climbed that mountain? What if I swam to that shore? What if every battle were victorious? Then would you love me more? Would you love me more?

What if I were everyone's first choice? What if I went farther than before? What if I stood high above the rest? Then would you love me more? Would you love me more?

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, why you do, why you do.. I'm in awe of you.

What if I ignored the hand that fed me? What if I forgot to confess? What if I stumbled down that mountain? Then would you love me less? Lord, would you love me less?

What if I were everyone's last choice? What if I'm mixed in with the rest? What if I fail what I passed before? Then would you love me less? Lord, would you, would you love me less? Oh no oh no oh no...

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, you do you do you do...

What have I done to deserve your Son sent to die for me? What can I give? I wanna live! Give me eyes to see! The world that keeps changing there's one thing that I know is true. Your love is staying, there's nothing else I hold on to. 

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, why you do.

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do... I'm in awe of you, I'm in awe of you...

The way you love me... The way you do... The way you do, the way you love... You love me, you love me! The way you do, the way you do, the way you love me! The way you love...

* edited for the general population 

** from MNO - God was our greatest enemy until He made us His friends

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus - He has washed away all my stains, and replaced my soiled, hopeless life with his own, perfect and gracious.

Haha - it's funny, the things revealed during even mundane tasks like laundry...

Oh, the impossibility of removing deeply set stains... no matter how much you soap, bleach, scrub, or point radioactive waves at it, it will not go away! Not that I tried all the above... I was actually frustrated to the point of tears (granted, I think I'm pretty emotional today to begin with) and the only viable options I saw were to
1. throw it away and get a new one!
2. cut out the stained area and replace it with something else
because honestly, these had been there for a reaaally long time and they were NOT going to be washed out today.

Anyway, as I was scrubbing [angrily and really confusedly, b/c why the hey am I getting so upset over stained clothing???] in the washroom, it suddenly Dawned on me in a voice loud and clear, yet so soft and gentle, even though I had not listened in so long,

"What can wash away your stains?"

And the response - "Nothing! Nothing, but the blood of Jesus."

The impossibility of removing deeply set stains... stains that had been there since birth and well before, that had been ignored and added upon, glanced over and soaked in hot water - stains that will never come out, no matter how hard I soap, bleach, scrub, or radioactivate... an impossibility that is only overcome by Him who gives me strength...

And so, the tears came falling, no longer tears of frustration, but tears of gratitude beyond what words could describe...


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. Prov 3:5-6

Thirsty...

I know that God's ultimately in control... I know that whatever happens, no matter how unbearable or wonderful or anything in between, it's all in His hands...

As I sit here with my styrofoam bowl of melted ice cream and oreos and whipped cream and walnuts, my neuro notes from the past year splayed out before me on all 3 levels of my desk, and silence in my hallway - something I don't think I've heard for a long long time (oh the irony) - I can't help but feel like feeling nothing. I try to grasp onto whatever tingling of thought or emotion or reason that I can find, but I find instead that I can't find anything.

I think I'm being weaned off of my dependence on emotions, and I understand why that is so so important too... but heck, I don't want to be weaned off anything. :/ Merrr... Yet now I do find myself sitting in a pile of chaos, feeling nothing in the face of more chaos. And all I can do is cling onto what I do know - that God is ultimately in control and that it's all in His hands...

And I can look back, I've been blessed to be able to look back to the past few months, even the past few days, and see that regardless of what my short memory and emotions and weak convictions may tell me, He is there and He is sovereign. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! Thank you for changing hearts...

.

I'm amazed.

I'm reminded over and over of how awesome God is...

These blogs are supposed to be a review for myself of what happens each day... The thing is though, I also don't read through it again, so I'm not making myself aware of how much God's worked in my life...

By peering back through the looking glass, examining all of the lilies that fall into my life each day, I want to be more aware, more awe-struck, by how Great our God is. That's the reason I even made this blog... And then named them such silly things. Heh heh...

I'm Amazed.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me 

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

Music and lyrics by Jared Anderson
© 2004 Vertical Worship Songs
CCLI# 4221021