Hunger and Thirst

More today from Revive Our Hearts, I feel like I've just been pubbing for them nonstop lately

I had dinner with Liz yesterday, and we got to talk, among other things, about how we've been learning and growing spiritually - ahhh so beautiful!! She spoke of the feeling of joy, of being on cloud 9 in a sense, when we are walking steadily with the Lord and firmly vested in His Word. And she also said this (paraphrased) - if we can attain so much joy from readings books written about God (or, I might add, talking to others about God and listening to others about God), how much more joy would we gain from reading directly the Words of God? (And I might add, spending time in communion alone with God?)

Oh my goodness, yes. A thousand times yes.

This is the hunger and thirst that we need, all the time. Not for physical food, and not for physical rest or even mental rest no matter how great that desire may be. We need to hunger and thirst for the living Word, for a resting of our souls in the arms of His embrace.

Revive Our Hearts today was about family devotionals, but a few poignant lines:

"I knew at that moment that I needed to just start right there. So I gathered all four of my children andI said, "We're going to start reading through the Bible." And they all cheered and said, "We've been wanting to do that.""

"When you consistently read the Bible, it requires you to make changes to your life. The point of reading the Bible isn't just a read, it's to act on what it says."

Those were children as young as three, cheering at the prospect of reading God's word. Three year olds. What a blessing to grow up in such a God-fearing, and God-loving, home.

I learned recently that sometimes, Jewish men and women keep a box of Scriptures tied to their heads so that the Scripture may always be near them. I would love to do that, though maybe not literally tied to my head. I remember I always used to be jealous of the other boys and girls in church who knew the Bible well - for me though, it was more a status symbol (they get more stickers?? why not me!!)

But it's not a status thing. This is a life thing. Lord, let me hunger and thirst for you.

What does it matter?

That's the common theme in my thoughts lately. Not in a solely cynical or depressed or hopeless way, but in a (what I hope is) genuinely pleading, solemnly considerate way. Perhaps because I've never entered the work force before, I feel especially daunted by the sheer magnitude (and felt constraints) of it. Also, perhaps because my studies and work so far haven't all focused on one specific field, I feel unbound in a sense, with seemingly too many possible directions and not enough guidance. I like structure.

A few weeks ago I was talking to some PDAS kids about what they wanted to be when they grew up. What a question... I don't know what I want to "be", still, and while I can't say I'm necessarily "grown up" (where does that begin and end? Psychology will tell you I guess. HAH), I definitely am already "grown up" in their eyes (because anybody above 20 is "really old"). We talked about what they like to do, what they want to do, what they are doing now, and our childhood dreams... For me, I wanted to be a singer, actor, teacher, writer, artist, architect, archaeologist, doctor, designer (ALL AT THE SAME TIME - I guess I haven't changed much in that sense). Some of those were because I thought they were fun. Others because I thought it would be nice to help people. Those reasons, while lovely, also seem so superficial right now.

I think that's how we often approach career and work. We're told time and time again and even tell others (I know I have) that we should pursue work that we love and enjoy. While I think that's wonderful and good and that God's calling can be precisely that, I also think that the way that we (Christians) sometimes view it places the work above the calling, even if we phrase it in a way that places calling above work. Example, in Christianese, "Your passion is often a God-given calling". It's beautiful and true! But often at the heart of the matter this is actually played out as "God calls me to work that I love and enjoy; therefore anything else simply can't be my calling." It may not be said exactly that way, but I feel that it's the undercurrent.

I think this almost implies that God does not ever call us to things we don't like. That we can always look at this formula to mean "If you don't feel affinity toward this or a passion for it then clearly God's not leading you here." It makes a lot of sense, and I think that it's definitely a good and even right way to test a leading. BUT I think too often we make it the only way. I'm not talking just long-term-career-type-of-calling either, but really just about any type of call to obedience - whether it lasts for a day, a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime. Because how do you know how long it will last??? God's plans for you are not always so clearly laid out at those crossroads.

I think that where and when God calls, He also equips - and that means in skill, knowledge, and passion. God does not call the equipped so much as He equips those He calls (where did this come from? I can't remember and I'm attributing it to like 5 sources right now) - a simple and perhaps subtle change that means so much. What am I saying!?

"Career (or whatever we're called to do) is just another talent given to us, and we should be good stewards of it." (from Cat! I used that without permission :X But I cited you now puhahahh) It's just another piece of God's plans for us to live for HIS glory. And this is something reiterated again and again, through the young adult retreat last Fall and also the college retreat last year. Pastor Steve said in sermon this past Sunday, Discipleship is costly. "Those who do not renounce all he has cannot be Jesus's disciple." Cannot. Is not able to. Will fail at. For some time, I thought that meant that God was preventing them from becoming Jesus's disciple because they were not worthy or something... But through other sermons recently and this one as well, I think it crystallized for me that for those people who said, "Lord, let me first go bury my father", or "Lord, let me first say goodbye to my family", and even "Lord, wherever you go I will follow" -- it was out of God's grace that the answer was No. (And who knows if it was a resounding and final No or if it was a Not yet? Does that matter for our purposes? I don't think so anyway.)

That means putting Christ ahead of all our personal possessions, personal relationships, personal desires (also from P.Steve's sermon). The question then is, are you, am I, willing to accept that and let go of my own dreams and desires? To trust and obey God, wherever that takes me, wherever that leads, and even if it doesn't include dreams and desires of a nice cushy life and all that it entails? It's hard for me to do that. I daresay it's impossible for anyone to do that. But by His grace and power, the impossible becomes possible.

If-Then and Food

If-Then statements are so beautifully simple. When they become nested in any more than just a few layers though, it quickly becomes significantly less beautiful to look at, but the beauty in its simplicity remains (for the most part - then of course there is good and bad coding).

I think that's how many people operate - we live by a series of if-then statements, many of which become deeply ingrained into our systems, hopefully enhancing productivity. If the homework for tomorrow is not done, then finish the homework. If the bills are due in a week, then send those payments today. If the 1-bus toward Harvard is due in 10 minutes, then start heading out in 4. Simple, efficient, beautiful.

From a health standpoint, it'd be good to know and understand what your body needs based on what it's yelling out to you. It would be nice if the if-then statements were also equally simple: for example, if I am hungry, then I should eat. If I am thirsty, then I should drink water. But sometimes, as I've learned, if I am hungry, then I should drink water. Not so straightforward anymore - there's another nest inwards in the if-then statements. There is also if I am tired, then I should sleep, which is sometimes actually if I am tired, then I should drink water, at other times if I am tired, then I should eat, and still at other times if I am tired, then I should ingest some caffeine. Confusing? Probably also not the best way to think about things.

Now onto cravings. I used to think this would be simple too - if I crave lasagna, then by golly I'm going to eat lasagna, and replace lasagna with hot dogs, pickles, apple juice, whatever. I guess it makes sense, but I've only recently learned that those cravings are usually not the best thing to go by (surprise-surprise). For example, if I crave MSG like mad, then I should actually eat fish. If I crave chips, I should try eating kale. If I crave tea, I should eat some chicken. Well, that's all a bit confusing. Why can't they be more straight-forward? If I crave a burger, then can I just have a burger? I love burgers.

The scientific explanation, as far as I understand, is that our bodies will often lack a specific nutrient. When we lack that particular mineral, our bodies naturally start to crave things that will provide us with that mineral - another one of the ways that we are so beautifully crafted. However, we've also developed not-good-for-you foods that also provide us with brief satisfaction and temporary relief of those cravings, while not actually meeting those true needs instead. Thus, your body might be screaming to you for iron, and while you would be very well served by eating some leafy greens or meats, you've instead developed a taste for gnawing on ice (true story, many times over).

I think this also extends to our spiritual lives. If I am in need of spiritual food, then I should eat spiritual food. It's simple, but it becomes so incredibly complicated when we start to replace that need with other things. We develop and attach ourselves to many many things that provide us with brief satisfaction, with temporary relief of what we really need. One example in the list is this: If you crave burned food, you actually need carbon, and you should thus be eating fresh fruit. How simple, ironic, and sadly true. We need to fill ourselves with life-giving fresh fruit, but we instead push that aside to stuff ourselves with burned junk. And we love it, even as it kills us.

Those "burned foods" can be good things like love, friendship, acceptance, success -- even great things like opportunities for service, growth, and humility... but those things easily expand, and they easily come to completely replace what we truly need. We warp our if-then statements, fixate them onto other points, and stubbornly hold to that which will not satisfy.

Lord, have mercy... change my heart and mind, and let me desire You where I have filled myself with other things, no matter how lovely and wonderful those things may be...

Sushi Night, and Flashback to GC

Today!!!!!! It was going to be filled with essay-writing, all day every day forever(!!!!!!!). Instead, I ran away /was rescued was able to go see Evelyn's students' recital with Cat, and then have a sushi party at Gideon's.

It was so wonderful to see Evelyn and Alex again (and meet Alec's mother!), enjoy the lovely music, see all the children and their families, and eat delicious baked goods. Then, we made sushi, SO MUCH SUSHI. I learned how to make inside-out rolls and rainbow rolls, and I also learned that Sherri and Eri can rock the heart roll, that Cat is essentially an expert of all-things-sushi, that Gideon can plate beautifully, and that Ivan has a not-so-secret talent for interpretive dance. We also talked and laughed about so many different things, nerdy, insightful, heavy, silly, and just weird. I think it was one of the first times I've gotten to hang out with Ivan and Sherri in such a setting as friends since they counselored us as teens - which was wonderful - it was also the first time I've gotten to hang out with Eri in a long while (ok, since August), and with Gideon really in general - and it's always a joy to spend time with Cat :)

On the way home I was recounting to Cat the trip that Helen, Vaneh and I took to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. Cat commented on how wonderful it is to be reminded that God cares for us through all situations, not just through what we might think of as rough times. And she reminded me again of how faithful God was during that trip.

The day we went to the Grand Canyon, it was completely foggy - you couldn't see a thing. We have some pretty sad photos. So we were a bit disappointed (though of course we sang our hearts out anyway (: ), and earnestly hoped for fairer weather the next day. We were greeted the next morning with pretty cloudy skies, and I wasn't so sure about it I admit - but we were actually able to see very very far out over the Canyon! A tour guide later told us that a day such as this was the best time to visit the Grand Canyon: on a completely cloudless day you wouldn't be able to see as far out because of the sun's glare. So, the heavy fog from the day before which we (at least I) had been so bummed about actually turned out to be a blessing, and provided just the right amount of coverage the next day to give us the best view.

Situations can change, but God doesn't. Perhaps certain concepts can't always be pulled from one context to the next, but I think in this case it can. Cloudy days and cloudy seasons will come and go, but our God remains the same. He is the Lord Unchanging, the Strong One Who Sees, Jehovah-Jireh, El-Shaddai. He is the Creator of my life, the holder of my heart. Soul, walk steadfastly with Him, for He knows where you are going, and He knows the path you most need to get there.

From Gospel Centered Discipleship:

"Know this—it is the gospel that allows you to be real. It admits us all as sinners and establishes us all as saints... Be real. Admit where you are and what you are. This will allow others to minister to you, and you to minister to others."

How true this is.. and how not evident in my life.

God does not change, and He has promised to change me.

God is Sovereign.

Something taken from John Knight via Jess -

"Is God sovereign over disability?

Yes he is. He tells us so in Scripture:

Then the Lord said to (Moses), "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?" (Exodus 4:11)

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3)

To be clear, God's sovereignty doesn't mean he merely permits disability. These verses show us that he sovereignly intends it, both for his glory and for our good—"that the works of God might be displayed." "

God's sovereignty does not mean he merely permits something... but that He sovereignly intends it, both for his glory and for our good, "that the works of God might be displayed"...

That is so hard to fully embrace at times - to embrace in total surrender and total trust, that the dark times we face, the tragedies, the injustices, the pain, the unanswered questions, the seemingly unbearable moments when we cry out as the Psalmist did "why, what now, when, oh Lord?" - they are all sovereignly intended by God... We forget that He is sovereign, and that He is Good, and that He loves us. We forget, or maybe we don't quite believe, or don't quite understand...

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
- Psalm 130


Praise the LORD, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.

For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.
Praise the LORD.
- Psalm 117

Label Request - A Desire Unspoken [a summary of summer, a preparation for fall - i.e. a very long post]

You know how Google automatically lists a bunch of search options for you when you start typing? And how sometimes when you start typing in a text field somewhere else there will be an automatic list too? Somehow, "Label Request" is on my title's list. I think that it came from Magic Hour - a title of a page at one point was Label Request.

I spent last last Friday with Cattoma and Keima for Keima's birthday :) We started off taking pictures at Cat's place, and then we went to a pizza place (Italian Pie?), Cafe Latte, and then Quince (which is filled with lots of expensive trinkets and vintage-ish clothing) -- it was so much fun! I miss my skipos... I also went camping last weekend for the 4th and last time this year - it was really warm! Except at night when my mattress deflated.

There is a sense of beauty when you see a score of Chinese parents gathered around a campfire (started with the luxury of lighting fluid and coals, rather than with desperately scrounged for wet tinder and painstakingly handmade sawdust) and singing praise songs together... A glimpse of an ethereal beauty when I see myself with my sisters (babies/ma's/spouzy) laughing together, pigging out together, paparazzi-ing together, simply enjoying the warmth of each other's presence. This beauty I have tried to write of many times before - this sense of what I've called "nostalgia", a sweet bitterness that cannot be properly contained in the meager words I've produced. But it is so beautifully descibed by C.S. Lewis in "The Weight of Glory" ~

"In speaking of this desire for our own far-off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. ... The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust in them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited. ...

...We usually notice it just as the moment of vision dies away, as the music ends, or as the landscape loses the celestial light. What we feel then has been well described by Keats as 'the journey homeward to habitual self.' You know what I mean. For a few moments we have had the illusion of belonging to the world. Now we wake to find that it is no such thing. We have been mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us; her face was turned in our direction, but not to see us. We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken into the dance. We may go when we please, we may stay if we can: "Nobody marks us." ...

...Ah, but we want so much more - something the books on aesthetics take little notice of. But the poets and the mythologies know all about it. We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words - to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it. That is why we have peopled air and earth and water with gods and goddesses and nymphs and elves - that, though we cannot, yet these projections can enjoy in themselves that beauty, grace, and power of which Nature is the image. ..."

So that is the description of the ever present yet ever elusive beauty that we seek - that we search desperately for but cannot be a part of. Yet Lewis also writes this:

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday by the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

We must not be troubled by unbelievers when they say that this promise of reward makes the Christian life a mercenary affair. There are different kinds of rewards. There is the reward which has no natural connection with the things you do to earn it and is quite foreign to the desires that ought to accompany those things. Money is not the natural reward of love; that is why we call a man mercenary if he marries a woman for the sake of her money. But marriage is the proper reward for a real lover, and he is not mercenary for desiring it. ...

[In the same way] those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship. ...

...The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret. And surely, from this point of view, the promise of glory, in the sense described, becomes highly relevant to our deep desire. For glory means good report with God, acceptance by God, response, acknowledgment, and welcome into the heart of things. The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last."

How many of us are desperately crying out in the deepest crevices of our beings for a Label? Yet we obstinately refuse the ones we deem to be "slapped on us by society", and wildly squander away our life strength trying instead to don the ones which we have set upon our golden pedestals, hoping that our last breathes will be ample glue to cling it to us forever. A desire unspoken and unfulfillable, yet painfully clear in the way we live our lives.

How far is Heaven? The beauties that we see now with our dimmed eyes are only blurred and faded reflections of the Beauty that awaits us - in the glory of Him all other things will fade... Then we shall see the true Narnia, of which our previous Narnia was only a hazy vision. Indeed, better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere. I can only imagine what it will be like...

This post concludes the summer of 2009, first in Virginia in the company of my wonderful fellow computer science nerds, and then at home in the company of my beloved family, both biological and not. I witnessed my own weakness and patheticness as I tumbled from a haven of spiritual comfort in Boston - where I was surrounded by sisters and brothers in ATD, TWIGS, BCEC - into a pool of complacency in beautiful Virginia. It gradually became a pool of self pity, then one of choking self loathing and disgust, and ultimately would have drowned me in its seemingly sourceless hopelessness if my Lord had not pulled me from the depths of its waters. Oh the richness and joy of being held in His arms, and oh the sweetness of Christian fellowship, how it fills and nourishes one's heart through it's channeling of God's love, and oh how I had taken it for granted until I realized that I had lost it...

These moments at home - filled also with dearly cherished memories - they've brought me to see how much I love and treasure my family - in a sense, God's first gift after we enter the world... My sister is now a teenager (and sharing my room) and my brother is 7, the age I was when my sister was born. He's no longer the little toddler I had seen in my mind, and she is no longer the 7-year old that I had always thought her to be... While I struggled with figuring out how to treat them properly, how to best show them love and be an example to them, I also struggled (and still do) with the wrenching realization that they are growing up. I will not be able to witness it all, but they will continue to grow taller, older, wiser, more mature as God has planned for them, as I too will grow as God has planned for me. I may not be able to see my sister much in her high school years, to share fully in her pains and joys, nor see my brother enter his years of middle school and reach adolescence. One day, he will be taller than me just as my sister shot above me, and she will blossom into a woman before I know it. Will I know their likes and dislikes as I do now? Will they still turn to me as they do now? I wonder if that's how a parent feels - though with infinitely more I'm sure. And as for my parents - I realize more and more that age spares no one. They are no longer as supple or energetic as they once were, the contrast made even more stark in the presence of the younger families in our fellowship. Youth visits each of us for a short while before it flits away and leaves an older, more weary body. This same body holds within it so much more wisdom though, and a grace that cannot be replicated even in the bodies of the most elegant dancers. In many ways, I feel as if I have failed my family - in my not quite met goals to mentor my siblings, to help and encourage my parents, to be not the perfect daughter but to be an expression of love to them, as they have shown me love, and more so as God has shown me love. How can I serve and love them enough? Yet I know too, the Accuser stops at nothing - I am thankful for the time I've had and indeed look forward to when I can come back to them.

And so, I am heading to London next Monday. Thus far, I have written up a packing list (far from comprehensive) and started assembling the various this-and-thats that I must bring. Still cleaning through my room which is still cluttered with all the things that I still have (even after many rounds of heartless throwing away). I am such a packrat. I must say that I am anxious, even afraid of what's to come... I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally unprepared... True, there is much excitement in going to this new place, and a wondrous expectation for the adventures that I'm sure lie ahead. Yet there is so much uncertainty, so much insecurity and unwarranted fear of a something that I don't even know how to pinpoint. At these times, I question whether it was even a good decision to make. Perhaps not - perhaps it was based too much on my rash yearning for adventure, on my hunger of hoarding opportunities, the packrat that I am... My heart is no longer at peace within me and I don't know what to do about it. It seems too late to back out now - school has already started in Boston and how would I be able to to withdraw my tickets, my housing, my tuition, and restart all my plans back at Wellesley within proper timing? This is like getting cold feet but not really.

God shows Himself in little ways though... For shame, I admit that I refused to clean up the cluttered paper bags of stuff on the floor until our dresser and the missing piece of our new bookshelf was delivered so that I could put the clothes currently on the half assembled bookshelf into the dresser and thus clear out the space on the bookshelf to place actual book-shelf items. *breathe in deeply* Last Friday I checked the progress of our bookshelf as it was to arrive earlier (it went from Canada to 4 places in New York before reaching the midwest) and it was literally 5 miles away! But unfortunately, in some mailing facility that we had no access to. I was impatient. And our dresser was not supposed to arrive until sometime between this upcoming weekend and 2 weeks later. I therefore anticipated subjecting my poor family to deal with a messy upstairs until sometime in early October. Lo and behold my surprise when earlier today, both bookshelf and dresser arrived... Not only that, but a few days earlier, we saw that our little apple tree blossomed again - an autumn flower garden! The one lonely apple that hung on its branch is now joined with 9 more baby siblings. Perhaps they will not survive the winter frost, but then, what kind of tree will flower in September? Surprising, and yes, convicting of my utter lack of trust. Does not God provide? If He can bring a dresser and bookshelf to one of His children's homes, can He not bring me safely from Minnesota to London? If He cares to take care of an apple tree, or the eggplants and tomatoes in our garden, if He can guard the vulnerable snow pea from a garden slug, cause plants to bear fruit and seasons to change, if He can hold a broken heart and make it whole, and cause a dry and poisoned pool to become a stream flowing with living, loving water, can I not trust and love Him?

Yesterday, Pastor Mike spoke about what he learned while he was on his sabbatical - about God's amazing and transforming love. Amidst the other words of wisdom that he shared with us, there was a particular quote from Hannah Hurnard in her earlier days (Hinds Feet in High Places) about how the waterfall was a representation of true love - in the way that it is humble and always seeks to go to the lowest position; in the way that it gives without holding back, because the more it gives, the more it fulfills itself; in the way that it serves the entire valley by giving up itself; in the way that it rejoices while doing so, fearlessly expressing pure and blissful joy as each spray of water soars toward the jagged rocks below. How can one love in such a way? Who will look out for you when you give yourself up with such fervor, and according to some, such recklessness? Who else but the one who demonstrated His love in this way and so many more?

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me — a prayer to the God of my life. Perfect love drives out fear.

Here's to a new year ahead.

Some words from Scott Kim

[A designer and computer scientist - one who revels in the art of Human Computer Interaction]

"When a discipline becomes a way of life, priorities become invisible."

Priorities become invisible - because the habits that these disciplines create seem invisible... we no longer recognize that we do something the way we do it, because we are so used to it. Wouldn't it be awesome if our spiritual disciplines were such habits? Not that we lose track of our priorities, or blindly run through actions throughout our days... but that we'd be able to follow God's teachings without questioning, without even encountering that debate that happens in our minds (or doesn't happen) hmm...

"If I put my own happiness before the well-being of the work entrusted to me; if, though I have this ministry and have received much mercy, I faint, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p29

"If I cannot rest under the Unexplained, forgetting the word, "And blessed is he whosoever shall not be offended in Me"; or if I can allow the least shadow of a misunderstanding, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p33

"If I am inconsiderate about the comfort of others, or their feelings, or even of their little weaknesses; if I am careless about their little hurts and miss opportunities to smooth their way; if I make the sweet running of household wheels more difficult to accomplish, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p40

"If I slip into a place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p47

"If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p49

"If I ask to be delivered from trial rather than for deliverance out of it, to the praise of His glory; if I forget that the way of the cross leads to the cross and not to a bank of flowers; if I regulate my life on these lines, or even unconsciously my thinking, so that I am surprised when the way is rough and think it strange, though the word is 'Think it not strange,' 'Count it all as joy,' then I know nothing of Calvary love." p52

"If my attitude be one of fear, not faith... if I forget the poignant word 'Let love be without dissimulation'... then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Perfect love drives out fear.

"I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" - Psalm 27:13

The aspect of God that most Christians struggle with is not His omnipotence or omniscience, but it is His omnibenevolence... Is God truly Good?

是的。

My feet smell. Sad face.

One thing I remember - Yao's feet never smell! At least not yet. I was utterly shocked. Maybe she's that girl who doesn't ever fart, burp, poop, or insert-any-unsightly/smelly-bodily-function. So they DO exist...

An introduction to my thoughts right now - I'm going backwards in a stream, against an ever-flowing current, which doesn't pause for breathing breaks or let down for the weak to progress even a tiny bit. Sooner or later, this stream will lead to the river, where any hesitation on my part will bring me back so much more - good thing I'm not the one swimming. On my own at least...

What brings comfort? Sometimes a hot bowl of soup is comfort, or a cool breeze, warm sunshine - maybe it's white rice with peas and eggs and shrimp on a cold night, or the smell of Malaysian soy sauce, or fuzzy slippers and smiles of good friends. 

Ultimately we can't depend on these for comfort - even on the warmest, more sincere, most loving of friends and family... True, they may bring deep comfort, but ultimately, that is all drawn from the source of comfort that is God. Holy Spirit, Comforter... 

Let your strength be from Him and Him only... your security be founded on Him and Him only. Your love be first and foremost to Him, your passions and desires all for His loves too... Ahhh Lord knows how hard it is. Literally. But He's there through it all.

Security Blankets [a long and rambly ramble]

Almost all kids have one at some point in their lives. For some it's an actual blanket, for others maybe a stuffed animal - some have an article of clothing, a favorite toy, a lucky coin or number, an accessory or even a routine. For me it was a little wooden baseball bat strung on a red cord, and it fit nicely in my 3 year old mouth. I don't know where it is anymore, but I do remember wearing that around my neck a little too much. And oh the irony, since I, um, dislike/can'tfollow/whathaveyou baseball.

Most people let that go and move onto bigger and better things in life, like family, friends, education, career, status... But every once in a while, they join the countless others who indulge in a small, suppressed reminisce back to the safety of their blankets long ago...

And for what? For the security of knowing, knowing that even though you may not know, you are safe and sound, because nothing can remove you from the bosom of Security Blanket, of Teddy Bear. And so so often, most especially now, they look back through that pane of glass called memory and wonder - where has it all gone?

No matter how old we are, we yearn for security - whether in the form of a piece of fabric, or a parent's arms, or a carefully planned account of savings. Yet in times like now and in all times unlike now, security can vanish. So quickly, the fruit of a life's work can whither away, a flower in full bloom can be swept away by the wind. Security, whether physical or emotional, can easily crumble.

It's so sad how castles filled with precious treasures of hope and happiness and longing are often built with frail shavings of wood upon seas of sand. Come the storm and waves, a strong wind or a gentle breeze, even a butterfly's softest movement, and it will fall, burying with it its precious, irreplaceable and irreparable treasures... And it's so heartbreaking to see it happen. You see the waves coming. You can see even the individual molecules of air move, one by one, rumbling slowly toward the impending destruction that seems so unavoidable. And when it hits, it all comes crashing down, piece by broken piece until sand and wood and hope and happiness are all indistinguishable in the aftermath of despair.

The only source of true security is the Cornerstone, the Solid Rock on which to stand. It stretches beyond the reaches of economic hardship, beyond the depths of a despairing heart, past anything that shakes our lives in this world and beyond it. The impossible stains that are washed away never have a chance of coming back, no matter how terrible or afraid or weak we are. The vast, grey  span of Unknown in our future will never have a chance of outdarkening, smudging, even casting the slightest shadow on the glorious, radiant, and decidedly sure future that Dad has in store for us. The most emotionally, physically, mentally painful moments or journeys or even lifetimes that we may face... they will never outdo, even shift the balance at all, of the incredible and humanly impossible healing that Jehovah-Rophe, our Comforter, Strengthener, Sanctifier can and loves to bestow upon us. Because nothing, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What security I've been blessed so graciously with, I can't ever pay back... I've barely seen a shadow of despair in my own life, only a subtle ripple of its presence, and only reflections of unfathomable (for me) grief in the lives of others. I've been blessed to be wrapped in the arms of safety and shelteredness, and for how much longer I don't know. But oh that if this spoils me, allows me to nurture any more this ugly thing called pride... It's foolish though to hope for trouble. Rather, I hope for a melting of my heart even more...

It's alright to look back to your security blanket! There is no shame in admitting that sometimes we can't do it all. There is no shame in admitting we want security, and that what we do on our own cannot suffice... in fact, it's the truth, and there is no shame in the truth. I hope that all can have this security that can be found nowhere else.

As a sidenote, I wonder, what would an infomercial for God be like?

[originally posted 1/16-2:14]

A late post

Last night my family had a bible study - I really really didn't want to do it, and in the end I was pretty much dreading it and feeling like blehhh about it all... but our sharing time was so precious to me - talking about what we've learned/felt about 2008, and what we hope for 2009... everytime I talk about my summer/2008/what I've learned, I start tearing up. Hahahaa --- and yea, so I did again.. but realizing how much God's provided for me this summer, how He's got me in His hands so much and how I really am so small is always humbling and awe-ful and stunning. Stunning - it's wonderful, so awesome that you can't do anything but kind of stand/sit/whatever there and gape. That's a beautiful word...

2008 was stunning then, in many many ways. In many ways, I don't understand what happened, but in many ways I do too. For 2009, I hope to be stunned in many more ways, to be be humbled and broken and open before God, and to fully live for Him. Like a jellyfish.

That said, there are many things that I'd love to see too - Like Linlin, I have a picture in my mind, a beautiful moving image of what 2009 may look like in terms of my social, academic, spiritual, personal lives - one filled with time well spent, energy well spent, toward others and toward myself and toward God in both those ways. It's beautiful! And I often sit there thinking, hey, it's so easy to just do it! These actions that I see happening are not really that complicated. They're not that hard, they're totally manageable. So why can't I do it? Or rather, why don't I do it?

If I were to take apart every minute of my life - I would realize that they're not very well spent. Countless seconds and minutes and hours are wasted, doing things that I think matter but in the long run really do not. Those wasted moments of my life are fueled by a wasted energy, by a wasted purpose and a wasted mindset - that's the root of it all. The heart of the mind, or the mind of the heart - the soul? Like the snowflake that flies this way and that, propelled by the wind with no purpose and no goal - aimless and wandering, landing wherever the wind takes it and dying when it lands. Not quite worthless, but not doing that much either. Except maybe look pretty. And cause drivers a lot of pain. Bleh indeed... But I do want to be guided by the wind, moving 'with the wind, in and out and back and forth, in an incredible dance of being.'

On the way back

(buses have wifi now! ahhh!)

Mmm all in all it's been a great weekend... a true retreat into the city that turned up many things that I would never have expected.

I realized many of the blessings of going to Wellesley this weekend.. haha! That's kind of ironic - I originally was so looking forward to this trip as a retreat away from Wellesley, and now that I look back, it's become something that's helped me to appreciate it all the more... interesting.

Had so many great conversations these few days... strange and wonderful to catch up with home friends, meet their new friends and click with even newer friends - and that in itself was a strange experience. Clicking with others. Not that it's never happened. Actually, I think that's what brings about friendships - clicking! Ahh so many realizations through that too..

I wonder, how strong am I really? If I am strong at all? How long could I stand firm, if I can stand firm at all? One more reason to love Wellesley...

Other reasons include being able to eat without being judged (most of the time), and being able to talk to like minded individuals about things of frivolous matter in an intellecual way (like fashion and shoes. although the former includes the latter, the latter is also in a category by itself). And more.

The trees outside are so beautiful! Mother Nature is finally shedding her summer veil... Interesting how its Mother Nature and Father Time.

Etiquette is important.

I'm posting a lot

For one day. Maybe that's a sign of further emo-ness! Boooo being emo is never in style. That's ok. It may be because I'm thinking a lot too - which is both a good and bad thing.

I think God gave me a realization today - I've always said to myself and to others that God will never give us a situation that we can't handle, and I took that from 1 Corinthians 10:

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."(v12-13)

In context, Paul was writing to the Corinthian church about the sins that the Israelites had made in the past, as a reminder to not repeat the same things. He tells them here that God will never give us a temptation that we cannot bear... and that He is faithful and will always provide a way out. I applied that to other circumstances too, thinking that God would never give us a situation that we couldn't handle.

I may or may not be right about what I'm thinking now - but I now disagree. Just because Paul tells us that God will not give us temptation that we can't handle doesn't mean that He'll likewise not give us any other circumstance that we can't handle. And when I say "we can't handle", I do mean something that we ourselves cannot handle - I think that's an important distinction that I never clearly made before... I held before that we can only do anything we do through God - now I hold that we can only do anything because God does it through us. A slight change on words, but I think an entirely different meaning...

And also, taking from Enoch's sermons the last few weeks, we face adversity so that we will turn to God and give up our idols. On top of that, God makes our hard situations harder and even impossible so that we truly depend on Him. Gideon's 300 men versus men numbered as the sands of the shore = impossible situation. That was something that he obviously could never have been able to handle. Never! But God was the one working, so of course, numbers and strength and anything else we could place our bets on don't matter at all.

So... that brought me to think today - God does give us situations that we cannot handle. But it's not so He can stand there and watch us fail miserably and laugh - it's so we really learn to turn fully to Him, 100%. Because even though they are situations that we cannot handle, we're not the ones meant to handle them in the first place.

Well, I hope that I'll remember this when those impossible situations do come along... I have confidence in God though - more and more so as these times have moved on... YAY GOD!

On another note, blogger lets you decide what time to post it! So I'm arbitrarily setting this to be posted at 3:21AM :) I like those numbers. If only I could control the seconds too... then I'd say 3:21:07 - my 3 favorite numbers :D I'm such a nerd.

(a ridiculously long winded post)

I think I'm PMSing - It's around that time again.
But! Even so, it doesn't mean I should make light of my problems, because I have problems. Merr.... I guess I'm very discouraged right now... Because of work, because of school, because of relationships, because of how painfully lacking I am in so many ways...
I could rant so much right now. But ranting isn't necessarily the best way to deal with my problems.. At least not to this online world, even if only a few people can see it. I know I need to go to God, and I was so thirsty to just hear and read what His Word says as I was leaving work... except now I feel kind of dry again.
Is this just another trough in the cycles of mood? Is it just a result of my overly active hormones waiting to explode on me and attack? Or is it something more? Is this just one of the adversities that I know will be coming? Is this a test God's placed on me, asking me if I really truly trust Him? Is this going to become that impossible situation, where nothing I do will ever get me out in one piece? Where all I can do is trust Him? Because nothing else will matter?
I was reading Prov 19 today... And it spoke of the fool who is unwilling to learn. Am I that fool? Am I so blinded by my own situations that I cannot see the dangers ahead? Am I walking a tightrope that is no longer whole, that will eventually dissolve? Maybe others can see what I can't, that the end of the rope is near, or that I'm walking a downwards slope... Or maybe they are wrong - maybe this is a path worth taking because it is the one that I was meant to be finish. Right now, I have no idea. None. I keep countering myself in both cases, and keep on arguing both sides... I know I'm biased though, and I know that my imperfections will never allow me to see clearly in any case. But that doesn't mean that I am not going to finish, or that I should get off now. Both are risks, one greater than the other... What am I supposed to do?
I think now I do feel totally helpless. Every way I look to seems like it's blocked off - darkened and murky and blurred. Heh - there is no "better" way right now, so far as I can see. All ways are equal and they all stink.
There are always those stories of people who went against all odds, against what people told them and against what society knew to be true - and they succeeded. But there are so so so many untold stories, so many close-to-home events that I know are more likely and more realistic - of the failures of those who walk along those types of paths. What am I on? I can't see everything, by walking with my eyes toward my feet. I won't be able to see the things that are up ahead if I only look down. But at the same time, I won't be able to see the holes in the ground, the frayed paths along my feet, if I only look up and out.
Of course, nobody can see the future... we only know by what we've previously experienced. And playing life by those chances - is that really what life is about? Is that even the question to ask? Am I just thinking in a totally wrong paradigm?
Um, right now, I just don't know. Right now, all I want is for time to stop - just stop and let me think, let me reflect, let me gather myself... before you start again and everything else starts piling on... Too bad life doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna make me that spinach and artichoke dip now. And some fried rice. Ahhhh food...

The ceiling fan is squeaking.

God answers prayers. I've seen it over and over again - in little ways, big ways, ways I don't realize until 5 years later - God speaks in so many ways, so many different levels, so many languages. I was talking to Malin the other day, and she told me she didn't know how to pray in English. That's alright though, because God knows every language and more...

It's funny that even though I've seen Him work things through and remain faithful to His word so many times, I still struggle to put my next "big thing" in His hands. Is it because I'm too used to humans who inevitably fail? Is it because my standards are set so low? Because I'm an OCD control freak? Or maybe I have ultra short term memory - once something comes up, all my existing knowledge is wiped out. Kind of like Wolverine! :D

I think the word, or rather, phrase, for it is "lack of faith". Oh me of little faith... I do believe Lord! Just help me not to doubt.

Brutally Honest

Sometimes you just need to be brutally honest to yourself - even if it hurts, pokes at your pride, deflates that balloon of yourself you blow up.

So this past weekend - I went through a pretty big wave of ups and downs. Ups - lunches and dinners and movies with friends, meeting up with people I haven't seen in half a year, having really good conversations. Downs - Fiora's heart attack, and, well...

Fiora's situation... it cracked open my insides and poured forth so much about myself that I didn't realize I had - or maybe that I didn't want to admit that I had. I came to understand more my lack of understanding of God, and my lack of faith. Even as I prayed and asked others to pray, I think a part of me thought, "God's already got this in His plans - He's already decided whether she'll live or die. So what good will my prayers have?" No, I didn't directly think those words or thoughts, but I think that was the basis behind my feelings.

I know that God is sovereign, that He knows all but also plans all - that our human actions can't be solely defined as "free will" or "fatalism" or "determinism" - "solo", "go with the flow", and "it's God yo". Hehh - I don't think you can just put it in a box. Maybe you can... and maybe I'll understand this more. But my confusion - it's a sign of lack of understanding. My picture of God is still far from even half complete.

I know He's got it all in His plans, and I feel like when I pray, I am not praying with power... Often times I think of James 5:16 - "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (NIV)" or "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)" So what about me? I am far from righteous. I know that God will still listen to the prayers of the "unrighteous" in that sense. But at the same time, I am made righteous through Christ. So... God will answer my prayer? Or ... I don't know.

I have lack of confidence. In myself, but also in God. I didn't believe, or I told myself "I wasn't sure", whether or not God had Fiora's healing in His plan. Of course I don't know! But what excuse does that give me to not pray? It doesn't. In fact, I think that this showed me how little I understand the depth of God's mercy and love. I don't think I realize how much compassion God has - how He's willing to heal and answer prayers, even from terribly blah people like me.

And so, I don't understand either God's power, His love, or His sovereignty. Or really much else. Maybe I understand or know more than some people, but I don't know if I'll ever feel like it's enough. Actually I don't think it will ever be. Maybe I'm too harsh on myself, but I feel like I have to be. What can ever match up to God's standards? And then it becomes a matter of balancing this, with loving myself too... I don't comprehend it.

Also, I always say I don't have confidence in myself. I said that to Enoch, and now I realize what I was really saying. If I really believe that God is working through me, then that's the same as saying I don't have confidence in God.

I'm so frustrated, discouraged, lost... but I'm so so grateful that God's led me this far too. I need to stop being emo and start looking toward the things of above.

End rant.