Minimalism May

Annie and I are starting something new this May! Want to join us?? (Yes, of course you do!) 

An actual corner of my closet.

Our church is going through a series on generosity, and between that, recent conversations about living with less and giving away more, and the latest trends around minimalism and Marie Kondo, Annie and I thought it was timely to welcome Spring in (because in Boston, Spring is only just beginning!) with a little challenge of our own. Starting May 1st, we will try to give or throw something away each day of the month -- 1 item on May 1, 2 on May 2, and so on -- preferably things that can reused by others.

The original challenge that inspired us: www.theminimalists.com/game/
Annie found this call-to-action, and we changed the rules a bit to better match our goals and circumstances. We wanted to put some of what we're learning through our sermon series into practice, so we'll try to focus on how we can be more generous with our resources rather than just throwing things away for the sake of pruning (although I'm sure that will happen too!). We also thought that the "out by midnight" rule may be unrealistic for us at this time, so we'll be tracking our progress on Google Spreadsheets to keep accountable and arrange what to do with the things later.

BTW {disclaimer}, I'm not pursuing or advocating asceticism by any means - just following a personal conviction to hold onto less stuff. Very difficult for someone like me who just loves to have tubs (literally) of stuff "just in case", for "sentimental reasons", or "artistic inspiration", or that "someday-i'll-get-to-it-craft" (confession: I held onto a "someday-craft" gallon-size bag of PS/2 keyboard keys for YEARS - which of course never happened!)... I've actually been thinking for a long time about how easily I hoard and get tight-fisted over things, and especially over my time. One of my long-term goals is to learn to be more generous and more content with less. So as much as I'm NOT looking forward to parting with those precious "someday-crafts"and the like, I AM eager to take this challenge as part of my bigger goal, and hopefully in the process, learn to be more generous in other areas of my life as well.

Your turn! This is an open invitation for you to join us! You don't have to do exactly the same thing, but if you want to join, we can encourage each other to stay on track and even add you to our spreadsheet (if you want). Don't feel pressured to make up your mind right now either - you can think about it and start at any time. :) Whatever your personal convictions are, this can be a fun and challenging exercise to live with less, not to mention get a great kick off on that Spring cleaning if you haven't started already!

Rivers

1 Peter 3:3-4 and NLD

A gentle and quiet spirit is not the same as a gentle and quiet personality. There are some women in whom I see this spirit very clearly, whether or not there is a stereotypical personality to match - a spirit such as this is hard to miss and quite impossible to merely imitate - and it's really really so beautiful. I remember telling Vaneh once early in our BCEC days how I thought one of the women there was downright the most beautiful woman I'd ever met; I had absolutely no solid reason to point to in order to back this, yet this feeling that I'd just encountered true beauty was totally unshakable. I think, still, this was because of the godly character that just overflowed and completely poured from her.. Of course, there is nobody out there who is perfect. But her beauty was and is so evident.

Some time ago I think we had a sermon about rivers and undertows - the surface of a river may seem serene, but its undercurrent may be crazily harsh and turbulent. And, the surface of the river may seem tossed and churned by the winds and waves, yet its undertow may be steady and controlled. Essentially, outward appearance and circumstance do not determine one's spirit; but one's spirit will reveal itself a midst the circumstances.. At Highrock the other night we talked about this as well through NLD's message. Is the river of my life calm right now? Unfortunately I would have to say that it's probably not.. I think I feel more often the turbulence of storms that I often dream about rather than the quietness that should come from an utter dependence on God. Seasons will come and go... Let this not weigh you down, oh heart.. Sit at the Lord's feet and lay your burdens down, remember who is your sustenance, strength, and source of life and renewal.

Reflections from the weekend (so far)

[Pulled from Daylilies 2/26/12 and 365+Grateful Project 2/26/12]

Two posts in one day on this blog! This hasn't happened in a while. (Except with 365+ bahaha) But this will be short.


I'm at Starbucks, I was going to write my essay for the two hours between Evelyn's departure and the PDPT meeting ~~ but here I am almost an hour and a half in and I still have not done anything for my essay other than review all my chicken scratch.

Evelyn came to visit this weekend - not really to visit me but for her audition :) But we were able to have lots of fun too! We did the classics - Fanueil Hall/Quincy Market and North End (for cannolis!!!), Russell House for oysters bahaha, and dim sum this morning. I really enjoyed having Evelyn here for the weekend.

Her visit has also taught me a lot. I would say they are reminders, which I suppose they are in some sense, but what is a reminder but a re-learning, and what is a re-learning but a new learning? Everything is old, and everything is new.

I am selfish and prideful. 
I think so much of myself... it is not natural for me to think of others, truly, even though I like to think that it is and that I am a compassionate and loving person... it's not true. At all. Anything that seems that way in my life is the blessing of the Lord as He works in my heart. Evelyn has definitely shown me so much..

God is good. 
He knows all. He works through all. He understands us so well, and yet loves us so deeply... He has been working so powerfully in her life, even though she may not be seeing it yet. Just the same, the words she spoke to me and the ones I even spoke to her struck me in my heart deeply. God is so good. He knows what we need and when.. He knows what we struggle with and why. He knows also when and how we will grow because of these struggles and be delivered from them because He has already planned that path. And He loves us so much that He does not let us go mindlessly about...

God is faithful. 
He doesn't let us go... He doesn't leave us hanging. He fulfills his promises without fail, and He works in our lives sometimes quietly and unnoticed, sometimes less so, but always powerfully. His allowing us to see that is yet another blessing from Him as He guides us in our walks with Him.

There is more.

And there is still more that I have yet to learn. I know there will always be. And I hope that I will never feel that I've learned enough. 

I'm thankful for being able to host Evelyn this weekend. Wow I love the Tsen fam. <3

What does it matter?

That's the common theme in my thoughts lately. Not in a solely cynical or depressed or hopeless way, but in a (what I hope is) genuinely pleading, solemnly considerate way. Perhaps because I've never entered the work force before, I feel especially daunted by the sheer magnitude (and felt constraints) of it. Also, perhaps because my studies and work so far haven't all focused on one specific field, I feel unbound in a sense, with seemingly too many possible directions and not enough guidance. I like structure.

A few weeks ago I was talking to some PDAS kids about what they wanted to be when they grew up. What a question... I don't know what I want to "be", still, and while I can't say I'm necessarily "grown up" (where does that begin and end? Psychology will tell you I guess. HAH), I definitely am already "grown up" in their eyes (because anybody above 20 is "really old"). We talked about what they like to do, what they want to do, what they are doing now, and our childhood dreams... For me, I wanted to be a singer, actor, teacher, writer, artist, architect, archaeologist, doctor, designer (ALL AT THE SAME TIME - I guess I haven't changed much in that sense). Some of those were because I thought they were fun. Others because I thought it would be nice to help people. Those reasons, while lovely, also seem so superficial right now.

I think that's how we often approach career and work. We're told time and time again and even tell others (I know I have) that we should pursue work that we love and enjoy. While I think that's wonderful and good and that God's calling can be precisely that, I also think that the way that we (Christians) sometimes view it places the work above the calling, even if we phrase it in a way that places calling above work. Example, in Christianese, "Your passion is often a God-given calling". It's beautiful and true! But often at the heart of the matter this is actually played out as "God calls me to work that I love and enjoy; therefore anything else simply can't be my calling." It may not be said exactly that way, but I feel that it's the undercurrent.

I think this almost implies that God does not ever call us to things we don't like. That we can always look at this formula to mean "If you don't feel affinity toward this or a passion for it then clearly God's not leading you here." It makes a lot of sense, and I think that it's definitely a good and even right way to test a leading. BUT I think too often we make it the only way. I'm not talking just long-term-career-type-of-calling either, but really just about any type of call to obedience - whether it lasts for a day, a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime. Because how do you know how long it will last??? God's plans for you are not always so clearly laid out at those crossroads.

I think that where and when God calls, He also equips - and that means in skill, knowledge, and passion. God does not call the equipped so much as He equips those He calls (where did this come from? I can't remember and I'm attributing it to like 5 sources right now) - a simple and perhaps subtle change that means so much. What am I saying!?

"Career (or whatever we're called to do) is just another talent given to us, and we should be good stewards of it." (from Cat! I used that without permission :X But I cited you now puhahahh) It's just another piece of God's plans for us to live for HIS glory. And this is something reiterated again and again, through the young adult retreat last Fall and also the college retreat last year. Pastor Steve said in sermon this past Sunday, Discipleship is costly. "Those who do not renounce all he has cannot be Jesus's disciple." Cannot. Is not able to. Will fail at. For some time, I thought that meant that God was preventing them from becoming Jesus's disciple because they were not worthy or something... But through other sermons recently and this one as well, I think it crystallized for me that for those people who said, "Lord, let me first go bury my father", or "Lord, let me first say goodbye to my family", and even "Lord, wherever you go I will follow" -- it was out of God's grace that the answer was No. (And who knows if it was a resounding and final No or if it was a Not yet? Does that matter for our purposes? I don't think so anyway.)

That means putting Christ ahead of all our personal possessions, personal relationships, personal desires (also from P.Steve's sermon). The question then is, are you, am I, willing to accept that and let go of my own dreams and desires? To trust and obey God, wherever that takes me, wherever that leads, and even if it doesn't include dreams and desires of a nice cushy life and all that it entails? It's hard for me to do that. I daresay it's impossible for anyone to do that. But by His grace and power, the impossible becomes possible.

In our weakness

A few months ago, my dad spoke about Samson - about how as a man of faith he was made strong in his weakness, and how through suffering we can experience God. Hebrews 11 has always been both interesting and confusing to me. None of the people brought up in the passage led sinless lives -- far from it, and of course not unexpected. (After all, who can say that they've lived a sinless life? Only one holds that right.) But of course I didn't understand that. I used to think, "hey wait a minute that's not fair, I know that person did this and that other person did that, they're not people of faith!" ......HAH!! How ridiculously judgmental. How foolishly arrogant. How utterly, shamefully, and pathetically did I miss the point. (And still do, so easily.)

Faith does not come alone, and good works are the fruit, the evidence of faith. BUT those men and women's actions alone didn't earn them a rank in Paul's writings, nor did their actions disqualify them from faith. Faith, and all that comes with it, is from God and God alone... and ours is a God who, though He is the Holiest of Holies who will not tolerate sin in any form and holds the absolute right and authority to destroy us with no hesitation... had His own Son carry our sin in our stead, and offers us life everlasting in return. Redemption, grace instead of punishment, life instead of destruction. (What in the world did I know of fairness?) What could possibly be more unfair? Ours is a God who blesses and curses, who heals and breaks, who grows and destroys, who gives and takes away. This is a God under whom we rightly ought to live in fear and trembling, and by His fathomless grace gives us hope, forgiveness, a new identity as beloved sons and daughters.

Samson was the promised son, granted divine strength, power, and blessings far beyond his family name. And he was arrogant. He took his gifts for granted and fastened those blessings to himself as part of a self-constructed identity -- and he didn't realize that the Lord had left him when he told Delilah of his secret, having totally forgotten who granted him that gift in the first place. After months in the Philistine jail, Samson was physically weak, literally blind, and publicly humiliated... but he was also changed. No longer did he believe that he could do it all, but I think we can see he recognized the true source of all that he had. He called out to the Lord, crying out in desperation for God to remember him just once more... Though we do not know the exact state of his heart and thoughts all those months later, we can know that he truly lived to be the man of faith as Paul wrote of him in Hebrews all those years later.

How often do I look to a self-constructed identity, based upon the things I think I've accomplished and the things I think I have? I think that I can do it all, while in truth apart from God's grace I can do nothing. And I think with deep undertones of arrogance, while so oft forgetting the source of everything I have been given. All that I have accomplished and all that I have is only through Him and Him alone.. I can rightfully take no credit... And though my penchant for overscheduling and overloading is a pattern that I've noticed over and over in my life, it wasn't until recently that I finally realized, wow, this is not just a "personality thing". It's not something for which I can simply point to my ambitiousness and leave at that, nor try to explain is due to my wide-spread interests, or even say is the fault of poor time management or "poor stewardship". No matter how true or untrue each of these may be, they are only a mere outward layer. The core of the matter is that it's yet another idol, another deeply lodged sin and a whoring of the heart after other gods. It's a meaningless pride in "my own" abilities, nurtured, indulged, and manifested, and it'd be pointless to try and sugar coat that. Like Samson, I so easily forgot what the true source of my strength is..

From one view, it would be so easy to just try and patch this all up with a simple formula, with a little "oh ok that's fine Lulu, let's just start to limit the amount of activities you take on" and "psh no worries, let's just do a re-vamp of your schedule". While I do think that is necessary at any rate, a silly little bandage like this does not heal. How circular and utterly meaningless. Sheer determination can only get me so far, and I realize this over and over again as I try my best and continue relying only on that. But realization is not repentance. And praise the Lord for His mercy which does lead to repentance! Even still, "I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" How true Paul's words now ring - of a true hopelessness in light of himself... Yet he ends it with hope, in light of God's mercies. "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

All this running about, all this doing this and doing that, it's all meaningless without a driving force and fixed vision that is firmly rooted in and fed by all that God is, and all that His Gospel means. It's all just sinking sand, a blind chasing after the wind, all meaningless ventures if there is not a constant recognition of where I come from, who I am, why I am the way I am, and where I am going. And all these selfish little "I-I-I" questions, in the end they all only lead back to who God is. There is no other answer. He says to me, Child, be still and know that I am God. Heart, soul, why are you so often not still? In the rushing of troubled waters, there is only turmoil and a hurried and rash obscuring of that which truly matters. When you are weak, there He will be shown all the more to be strong... When you are weary, there know again Who grants you rest... When you remember again how you are only a jar of clay, and how broken and withered a vessel at that, there, remember also what you are crafted and constantly remolded to carry.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."

Look back on this later, self. Look back and remember.

Undeserved Love

How deep the Father's love for us

Ever since I can remember, from early elementary on, I tried hard to be loved by those around me - friends, teachers, family, even strangers. I even remember bringing snacks for the kids at my table just to curry their favor. A people-pleaser at heart.

I also linked love with favor and approval - i.e. if somebody was disappointed in me, in my head that meant their love for me was gone. Of course, this would inevitably happen, and I interpreted this as growing evidence that I was therefore unlovable. So as the years passed, I built a thick wall of callousness around myself. I told myself that I didn't need the approval of others, and I really believed it. I began to dissociate myself from others, not necessarily in an antisocial way, but in an aloof and disconnected way, where I could prevent myself from ever losing their love and approval. I reasoned to myself, however unconsciously, that if I don't let anyone close, then I can't get hurt. If I don't let others see my faults and know my insecurities, then I won't lose anything. If I don't invest, I won't be hurt. If I don't take a leap of faith, then I can't fall.

If I don't try, I can never fail.

So that became one of the core philosophies that I carried across all aspects of my life, and it infused my relationships, my work, my studies, my spiritual walk...

Praise the Lord, for he had no plans for me to stay this way. He blessed me with my family, who love through thick and thin, who know more of my faults than I care to think about, and who care more for my good than my comfort. And he blessed me with dear friends who know and love me beyond my closely guarded surface, who stick through hardships and challenge me to grow, who can show their love in truth through both approval and disapproval. Little by little through the years, the walls have been torn away. It's scary to be vulnerable, but that's where true fellowship begins.


As much as I'd like to be and try to be, I'm not a reflective person by nature. My instinct is to think just of the present, ignoring both past and future. I'm definitely a present-oriented hedonist. Reflection takes time and effort, and all too often unearths pain, guilt, and regret. But I forget that it unearths many more treasures, and deepens joy and gratitude. With remembrance comes gratitude, and with gratitude comes praise.

Praise that Lord. We cannot curry God's love - it's poured down on us, completely undeserved. There's nothing we can do to add to it, and nothing we can do to deplete it. His love is not shown simply through approval, but through gentle and firm discipline. This is a philosophy that has not infused my life, but one that I hope and pray is taking deeper hold each day.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.

Quotables

"I swear to you... that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness" - Fyodor Dostoevksy, Notes from the Underground, 1864

So very true.. It is a sickness of the soul, knowing how little we can reach even our own standards that we so hypocritically judge others by. The more you become aware and conscious, the more you realize the depth and uncontrollableness of this sickness. 

It is only by the grace of our Lord that we are ever able to bow down in utter brokenness before his feet, in recognition of and thankfulness for his gift of healing, freedom, redemption, that we may be released from this otherwise incurable sickness. 

God is Sovereign.

Something taken from John Knight via Jess -

"Is God sovereign over disability?

Yes he is. He tells us so in Scripture:

Then the Lord said to (Moses), "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?" (Exodus 4:11)

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3)

To be clear, God's sovereignty doesn't mean he merely permits disability. These verses show us that he sovereignly intends it, both for his glory and for our good—"that the works of God might be displayed." "

God's sovereignty does not mean he merely permits something... but that He sovereignly intends it, both for his glory and for our good, "that the works of God might be displayed"...

That is so hard to fully embrace at times - to embrace in total surrender and total trust, that the dark times we face, the tragedies, the injustices, the pain, the unanswered questions, the seemingly unbearable moments when we cry out as the Psalmist did "why, what now, when, oh Lord?" - they are all sovereignly intended by God... We forget that He is sovereign, and that He is Good, and that He loves us. We forget, or maybe we don't quite believe, or don't quite understand...

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
- Psalm 130


Praise the LORD, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.

For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.
Praise the LORD.
- Psalm 117

[The H2O in the atmosphere] is raining [down from altitudes where they have been condensed into clouds]

I like using the word pregnant, though I probably should not because I am a female and it can be shocking or confusing when heard in the wrong context. But in either case, I've been feeling pregnant - expectant - anticipating what there is to come. With nervousness too... and some fear that should not be there. It's so relaxing to watch the raindrops fall into puddles, the soft ripples they create, the plops and blips and dollops of water that they produce. It's calming.

I've been reading Authentic Beauty, courtesy of Helen. :) I read Captivating over the break, and there are many many parallels... hahaha - why? Because they are founded on the same truth, written with love by both authors, with the same ultimate desire to glorify God by perhaps helping some young woman out there to realize just a bit more how her identity and worth and joy is based solely in Christ... It makes me so happy to see their love for God and for others, their earnest hope that girls and women alike fully embrace their true Lover and Love and the truth that He speaks instead of the trash that is thrown at them by the World.

How many are there who hurt so much, have been scarred so deeply, feel beyond hope?  How many are there who naively, or confidently, or desperately place their joys, security, and hope in careers, relationships, or things, only to have these precious treasures of their hearts abandoned, ripped apart and thrown at their faces, shredded and tossed to the wind? How many, how long, how much more? It's so heartbreaking... so much when I see it in my own life, when I see it in my friends' lives, when I realize that there are so many more who suffer through this in silence, who don't know that there is more, that the One makes this possible wants so much for them to see His love for them, to embrace His sacrifice for them, to give their all to Him because He can and will hold it more securely than they can imagine, that He can give them this only Truth and this only Life. WAH!



Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
- Proverbs 37:4

Why does this work?  Because when you fully delight yourself in the LORD, your desires will be His desires, your love what He loves... and how much does God love to give good gifts to those He loves and who love Him?

A late post

Last night my family had a bible study - I really really didn't want to do it, and in the end I was pretty much dreading it and feeling like blehhh about it all... but our sharing time was so precious to me - talking about what we've learned/felt about 2008, and what we hope for 2009... everytime I talk about my summer/2008/what I've learned, I start tearing up. Hahahaa --- and yea, so I did again.. but realizing how much God's provided for me this summer, how He's got me in His hands so much and how I really am so small is always humbling and awe-ful and stunning. Stunning - it's wonderful, so awesome that you can't do anything but kind of stand/sit/whatever there and gape. That's a beautiful word...

2008 was stunning then, in many many ways. In many ways, I don't understand what happened, but in many ways I do too. For 2009, I hope to be stunned in many more ways, to be be humbled and broken and open before God, and to fully live for Him. Like a jellyfish.

That said, there are many things that I'd love to see too - Like Linlin, I have a picture in my mind, a beautiful moving image of what 2009 may look like in terms of my social, academic, spiritual, personal lives - one filled with time well spent, energy well spent, toward others and toward myself and toward God in both those ways. It's beautiful! And I often sit there thinking, hey, it's so easy to just do it! These actions that I see happening are not really that complicated. They're not that hard, they're totally manageable. So why can't I do it? Or rather, why don't I do it?

If I were to take apart every minute of my life - I would realize that they're not very well spent. Countless seconds and minutes and hours are wasted, doing things that I think matter but in the long run really do not. Those wasted moments of my life are fueled by a wasted energy, by a wasted purpose and a wasted mindset - that's the root of it all. The heart of the mind, or the mind of the heart - the soul? Like the snowflake that flies this way and that, propelled by the wind with no purpose and no goal - aimless and wandering, landing wherever the wind takes it and dying when it lands. Not quite worthless, but not doing that much either. Except maybe look pretty. And cause drivers a lot of pain. Bleh indeed... But I do want to be guided by the wind, moving 'with the wind, in and out and back and forth, in an incredible dance of being.'

Thirsty...

I know that God's ultimately in control... I know that whatever happens, no matter how unbearable or wonderful or anything in between, it's all in His hands...

As I sit here with my styrofoam bowl of melted ice cream and oreos and whipped cream and walnuts, my neuro notes from the past year splayed out before me on all 3 levels of my desk, and silence in my hallway - something I don't think I've heard for a long long time (oh the irony) - I can't help but feel like feeling nothing. I try to grasp onto whatever tingling of thought or emotion or reason that I can find, but I find instead that I can't find anything.

I think I'm being weaned off of my dependence on emotions, and I understand why that is so so important too... but heck, I don't want to be weaned off anything. :/ Merrr... Yet now I do find myself sitting in a pile of chaos, feeling nothing in the face of more chaos. And all I can do is cling onto what I do know - that God is ultimately in control and that it's all in His hands...

And I can look back, I've been blessed to be able to look back to the past few months, even the past few days, and see that regardless of what my short memory and emotions and weak convictions may tell me, He is there and He is sovereign. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! Thank you for changing hearts...

.

(a ridiculously long winded post)

I think I'm PMSing - It's around that time again.
But! Even so, it doesn't mean I should make light of my problems, because I have problems. Merr.... I guess I'm very discouraged right now... Because of work, because of school, because of relationships, because of how painfully lacking I am in so many ways...
I could rant so much right now. But ranting isn't necessarily the best way to deal with my problems.. At least not to this online world, even if only a few people can see it. I know I need to go to God, and I was so thirsty to just hear and read what His Word says as I was leaving work... except now I feel kind of dry again.
Is this just another trough in the cycles of mood? Is it just a result of my overly active hormones waiting to explode on me and attack? Or is it something more? Is this just one of the adversities that I know will be coming? Is this a test God's placed on me, asking me if I really truly trust Him? Is this going to become that impossible situation, where nothing I do will ever get me out in one piece? Where all I can do is trust Him? Because nothing else will matter?
I was reading Prov 19 today... And it spoke of the fool who is unwilling to learn. Am I that fool? Am I so blinded by my own situations that I cannot see the dangers ahead? Am I walking a tightrope that is no longer whole, that will eventually dissolve? Maybe others can see what I can't, that the end of the rope is near, or that I'm walking a downwards slope... Or maybe they are wrong - maybe this is a path worth taking because it is the one that I was meant to be finish. Right now, I have no idea. None. I keep countering myself in both cases, and keep on arguing both sides... I know I'm biased though, and I know that my imperfections will never allow me to see clearly in any case. But that doesn't mean that I am not going to finish, or that I should get off now. Both are risks, one greater than the other... What am I supposed to do?
I think now I do feel totally helpless. Every way I look to seems like it's blocked off - darkened and murky and blurred. Heh - there is no "better" way right now, so far as I can see. All ways are equal and they all stink.
There are always those stories of people who went against all odds, against what people told them and against what society knew to be true - and they succeeded. But there are so so so many untold stories, so many close-to-home events that I know are more likely and more realistic - of the failures of those who walk along those types of paths. What am I on? I can't see everything, by walking with my eyes toward my feet. I won't be able to see the things that are up ahead if I only look down. But at the same time, I won't be able to see the holes in the ground, the frayed paths along my feet, if I only look up and out.
Of course, nobody can see the future... we only know by what we've previously experienced. And playing life by those chances - is that really what life is about? Is that even the question to ask? Am I just thinking in a totally wrong paradigm?
Um, right now, I just don't know. Right now, all I want is for time to stop - just stop and let me think, let me reflect, let me gather myself... before you start again and everything else starts piling on... Too bad life doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna make me that spinach and artichoke dip now. And some fried rice. Ahhhh food...

Internal Struggles

That may or may not be so serious.

I miss people but I don't call :( I think that is actually pretty serious. Yea. Shame on me :( I need to plan my time better so I actually have that time to call them... If only we had 72 hours in a day. I might die.

Mmmm spinach and artichoke dip :) nom nom nommmm

Ass-u-me

You can never assume anything... And when people say, "oh, it's safe to assume that _________", I just think to myself that it's impossible. I too am guilty of assuming... too often, too often.

I think that's why it's so important to ask, to check up, to clarify - but maybe not every situation allows for that? Then you have to find another way? But that just doesn't seem right. It's like when people have a problem with someone - I think they should just tell the other person to their face. I think that's the most respectful and loving - rather than going to someone else about it first... I guess that each situation would be different though. There may be times when you won't be able to tell that person face to face in a healthy way unless you work it through in your own mind first - and maybe it helps certain people to work it through their minds by talking over it with someone else? But even if that's the case, you have to be so careful about it...

I know perfection isn't attainable - or at least, extremely difficult to do - but we can at least make a better effort and not just spew at each other behind each others' backs... Gossip is so so so easy to fall into. Especially when it's under the label of "let's pray for..." or "can you please help me with..."

It's annoying sometimes. The fact that we're terribly imperfect people makes life so hard. Mer.

The ceiling fan is squeaking.

God answers prayers. I've seen it over and over again - in little ways, big ways, ways I don't realize until 5 years later - God speaks in so many ways, so many different levels, so many languages. I was talking to Malin the other day, and she told me she didn't know how to pray in English. That's alright though, because God knows every language and more...

It's funny that even though I've seen Him work things through and remain faithful to His word so many times, I still struggle to put my next "big thing" in His hands. Is it because I'm too used to humans who inevitably fail? Is it because my standards are set so low? Because I'm an OCD control freak? Or maybe I have ultra short term memory - once something comes up, all my existing knowledge is wiped out. Kind of like Wolverine! :D

I think the word, or rather, phrase, for it is "lack of faith". Oh me of little faith... I do believe Lord! Just help me not to doubt.

Brutally Honest

Sometimes you just need to be brutally honest to yourself - even if it hurts, pokes at your pride, deflates that balloon of yourself you blow up.

So this past weekend - I went through a pretty big wave of ups and downs. Ups - lunches and dinners and movies with friends, meeting up with people I haven't seen in half a year, having really good conversations. Downs - Fiora's heart attack, and, well...

Fiora's situation... it cracked open my insides and poured forth so much about myself that I didn't realize I had - or maybe that I didn't want to admit that I had. I came to understand more my lack of understanding of God, and my lack of faith. Even as I prayed and asked others to pray, I think a part of me thought, "God's already got this in His plans - He's already decided whether she'll live or die. So what good will my prayers have?" No, I didn't directly think those words or thoughts, but I think that was the basis behind my feelings.

I know that God is sovereign, that He knows all but also plans all - that our human actions can't be solely defined as "free will" or "fatalism" or "determinism" - "solo", "go with the flow", and "it's God yo". Hehh - I don't think you can just put it in a box. Maybe you can... and maybe I'll understand this more. But my confusion - it's a sign of lack of understanding. My picture of God is still far from even half complete.

I know He's got it all in His plans, and I feel like when I pray, I am not praying with power... Often times I think of James 5:16 - "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (NIV)" or "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)" So what about me? I am far from righteous. I know that God will still listen to the prayers of the "unrighteous" in that sense. But at the same time, I am made righteous through Christ. So... God will answer my prayer? Or ... I don't know.

I have lack of confidence. In myself, but also in God. I didn't believe, or I told myself "I wasn't sure", whether or not God had Fiora's healing in His plan. Of course I don't know! But what excuse does that give me to not pray? It doesn't. In fact, I think that this showed me how little I understand the depth of God's mercy and love. I don't think I realize how much compassion God has - how He's willing to heal and answer prayers, even from terribly blah people like me.

And so, I don't understand either God's power, His love, or His sovereignty. Or really much else. Maybe I understand or know more than some people, but I don't know if I'll ever feel like it's enough. Actually I don't think it will ever be. Maybe I'm too harsh on myself, but I feel like I have to be. What can ever match up to God's standards? And then it becomes a matter of balancing this, with loving myself too... I don't comprehend it.

Also, I always say I don't have confidence in myself. I said that to Enoch, and now I realize what I was really saying. If I really believe that God is working through me, then that's the same as saying I don't have confidence in God.

I'm so frustrated, discouraged, lost... but I'm so so grateful that God's led me this far too. I need to stop being emo and start looking toward the things of above.

End rant.