Creativity motivates

Recently I've discovered a new thing about myself.

(Actually it's probably not that new - but I've never really thought about it before!)

I need to do something creative, on a regular basis.

I'm not actually sure what a "regular basis" means, but I've noticed that during spans of time when I don't make anything or design anything, my brain gets flustered and tired, I'm not easily distracted and bored, and I can't seem to do anything else productively.

On the other hand, when I am able to do something creative, I find that during work, or house-keeping, or even cooking, I have a much better line of focus and I seem to be able to do things faster! Maybe that's just a matter of psychology.

Anyhow - that led me to think, What does creativity entail?

For me, lately, it's included flower arranging, web design and developing, tailoring old clothes, trying out new dishes, building a lightbox, gift-making and card-writing...

Oddly enough, it doesn't include knitting or crocheting! Those are the first two things that I initially thought about.

Maybe it's because I haven't tried anything new in knitting or crocheting in a while. Perhaps, then, it's not so much about the craftiness of it, but about how much it is a new sort challenge?

Hopefully the next challenge I'll be able to take is responsive web design...

Some recent projects: 

Website is now up and running: www.bingjiehu.com

 

Macarons and cake pops

 

Paper cutting (horse pattern from
http://fxpapercut.com/year-of-the-horse-2014-pop-up-card/)

Some jewelry 

Making orange juice. Ok, not very exciting but very delicious!

Flower arrangements

Here's to more creative times! :)

Minimizing Sin

It's easy to minimize sin, trying to convince ourselves and others (and unfortunately, often successfully, despite whatever cognitive dissonance) that sin is not really that bad.

"It's just once", "I'm not really hurting anybody", "Everybody does this", "Nobody has to know", "It's not a big deal", so on and so forth...

I think as Christians, we know it's not right to minimize sin. I think we know that everything we do and think and say is not just "to ourselves and won't harm anyone", but rather a capital (literally) offense against the most supreme God, who knows all our inner thoughts and motives and has the ultimate right and authority to judge.

As if that's no big deal.

We also know that our own sin will affect others - whether it is to turn someone else away from Christ because of our actions, to directly harm someone else even if we didn't realize it, basically to damage the relationship between us and others or others and God.

As if that's no big deal.

People are fickle though - we often sway too far to one side or to the other. Either sin is no big deal or sin is so debilitatingly great that we can't function. So to the other extreme then - is it possible to maximize/make too great a deal of sin?

I don't know if this is the right answer... But I don't think so. Sin is sin is sin, and no sin is so small that it doesn't grieve God. I think that part of what it means to really grow in Christ is to understand the weight and depth and despicableness and destructiveness and horror of sin, no matter what it looks like.

I think there is no problem with "maximizing" sin, because of Who it is ultimately against. It is maximum. But instead, the problem on this side is that we minimize the power of God. We think our sin is too great for God to bear, we think that His grace is not sufficient, that His sacrifice does not suffice, that His Words do not heal and His power does not overcome.

This can lead to despair and bitterness, and to giving up - which consequently, funny enough (haha, not), can lead to the complete other side of the pendulum. "It's too hard to deal with this", so therefore, sin is not that bad after all. Isn't it funny how cognitive dissonance works?

Oh, how completely hopeless and futile our ways are when we're left to our own devices.. it brings to mind the passage in Romans 1, where God gives up the people to their own ways because though they knew Him, they did not glorify or give thanks to Him.

What does it matter?

That's the common theme in my thoughts lately. Not in a solely cynical or depressed or hopeless way, but in a (what I hope is) genuinely pleading, solemnly considerate way. Perhaps because I've never entered the work force before, I feel especially daunted by the sheer magnitude (and felt constraints) of it. Also, perhaps because my studies and work so far haven't all focused on one specific field, I feel unbound in a sense, with seemingly too many possible directions and not enough guidance. I like structure.

A few weeks ago I was talking to some PDAS kids about what they wanted to be when they grew up. What a question... I don't know what I want to "be", still, and while I can't say I'm necessarily "grown up" (where does that begin and end? Psychology will tell you I guess. HAH), I definitely am already "grown up" in their eyes (because anybody above 20 is "really old"). We talked about what they like to do, what they want to do, what they are doing now, and our childhood dreams... For me, I wanted to be a singer, actor, teacher, writer, artist, architect, archaeologist, doctor, designer (ALL AT THE SAME TIME - I guess I haven't changed much in that sense). Some of those were because I thought they were fun. Others because I thought it would be nice to help people. Those reasons, while lovely, also seem so superficial right now.

I think that's how we often approach career and work. We're told time and time again and even tell others (I know I have) that we should pursue work that we love and enjoy. While I think that's wonderful and good and that God's calling can be precisely that, I also think that the way that we (Christians) sometimes view it places the work above the calling, even if we phrase it in a way that places calling above work. Example, in Christianese, "Your passion is often a God-given calling". It's beautiful and true! But often at the heart of the matter this is actually played out as "God calls me to work that I love and enjoy; therefore anything else simply can't be my calling." It may not be said exactly that way, but I feel that it's the undercurrent.

I think this almost implies that God does not ever call us to things we don't like. That we can always look at this formula to mean "If you don't feel affinity toward this or a passion for it then clearly God's not leading you here." It makes a lot of sense, and I think that it's definitely a good and even right way to test a leading. BUT I think too often we make it the only way. I'm not talking just long-term-career-type-of-calling either, but really just about any type of call to obedience - whether it lasts for a day, a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime. Because how do you know how long it will last??? God's plans for you are not always so clearly laid out at those crossroads.

I think that where and when God calls, He also equips - and that means in skill, knowledge, and passion. God does not call the equipped so much as He equips those He calls (where did this come from? I can't remember and I'm attributing it to like 5 sources right now) - a simple and perhaps subtle change that means so much. What am I saying!?

"Career (or whatever we're called to do) is just another talent given to us, and we should be good stewards of it." (from Cat! I used that without permission :X But I cited you now puhahahh) It's just another piece of God's plans for us to live for HIS glory. And this is something reiterated again and again, through the young adult retreat last Fall and also the college retreat last year. Pastor Steve said in sermon this past Sunday, Discipleship is costly. "Those who do not renounce all he has cannot be Jesus's disciple." Cannot. Is not able to. Will fail at. For some time, I thought that meant that God was preventing them from becoming Jesus's disciple because they were not worthy or something... But through other sermons recently and this one as well, I think it crystallized for me that for those people who said, "Lord, let me first go bury my father", or "Lord, let me first say goodbye to my family", and even "Lord, wherever you go I will follow" -- it was out of God's grace that the answer was No. (And who knows if it was a resounding and final No or if it was a Not yet? Does that matter for our purposes? I don't think so anyway.)

That means putting Christ ahead of all our personal possessions, personal relationships, personal desires (also from P.Steve's sermon). The question then is, are you, am I, willing to accept that and let go of my own dreams and desires? To trust and obey God, wherever that takes me, wherever that leads, and even if it doesn't include dreams and desires of a nice cushy life and all that it entails? It's hard for me to do that. I daresay it's impossible for anyone to do that. But by His grace and power, the impossible becomes possible.

Catherine and Hope - Reprise

Current thought: I like to clip my nails, and I also like that my nails grow quickly so I can clip them more often.

Some other things that relax me: 
- Clipping nails
- Painting nails
- Knitting
- Cooking
- Cleaning
- Sleeping (well duh)

My most recent nail adventure: Cosmic Nails!
The galaxy was at my fingertips.

This past weekend Hope came over to play! We got to run around in Boston and in fountains, explore the Freedom Trail, eat lots of food and see a good show. The week before, Catherine and Jean also came to visit - we ate lots of food, went to a concert, and took super quick driving tours of Boston. Oh, and lots of pillow talk for both. I just learned this term. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!! *insertincoherentyelling* Both times after they left, I felt really really sad though I shouldn't be surprised - it's always sad when good friends leave, especially after they live with you for a few days.

I love having people I love come to visit, and I love when people I love meet each other. The first time my worlds collided, my mind was blown and I couldn't handle it. But the more it happens, the more I love it. PLEASE HAPPEN MORE.

All said and done, I'm still recovering physically from the last two weeks. I look forward to finally sleeping and getting to breathe again. Maybe after Thursday. I intend to not get sick, but knowing my immune history, perchance not. But it's ok! I'm fine, Mom. :)


And no, I don't like clipping other people's nails. Unless it's a baby's nails, in which case I would like to do that but I'm also scared I'll hurt the poor child and thus I don't really clip anything or wait until they're asleep.

Quotables

"I swear to you... that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness" - Fyodor Dostoevksy, Notes from the Underground, 1864

So very true.. It is a sickness of the soul, knowing how little we can reach even our own standards that we so hypocritically judge others by. The more you become aware and conscious, the more you realize the depth and uncontrollableness of this sickness. 

It is only by the grace of our Lord that we are ever able to bow down in utter brokenness before his feet, in recognition of and thankfulness for his gift of healing, freedom, redemption, that we may be released from this otherwise incurable sickness. 

Some words from Scott Kim

[A designer and computer scientist - one who revels in the art of Human Computer Interaction]

"When a discipline becomes a way of life, priorities become invisible."

Priorities become invisible - because the habits that these disciplines create seem invisible... we no longer recognize that we do something the way we do it, because we are so used to it. Wouldn't it be awesome if our spiritual disciplines were such habits? Not that we lose track of our priorities, or blindly run through actions throughout our days... but that we'd be able to follow God's teachings without questioning, without even encountering that debate that happens in our minds (or doesn't happen) hmm...

My feet smell. Sad face.

One thing I remember - Yao's feet never smell! At least not yet. I was utterly shocked. Maybe she's that girl who doesn't ever fart, burp, poop, or insert-any-unsightly/smelly-bodily-function. So they DO exist...

An introduction to my thoughts right now - I'm going backwards in a stream, against an ever-flowing current, which doesn't pause for breathing breaks or let down for the weak to progress even a tiny bit. Sooner or later, this stream will lead to the river, where any hesitation on my part will bring me back so much more - good thing I'm not the one swimming. On my own at least...

What brings comfort? Sometimes a hot bowl of soup is comfort, or a cool breeze, warm sunshine - maybe it's white rice with peas and eggs and shrimp on a cold night, or the smell of Malaysian soy sauce, or fuzzy slippers and smiles of good friends. 

Ultimately we can't depend on these for comfort - even on the warmest, more sincere, most loving of friends and family... True, they may bring deep comfort, but ultimately, that is all drawn from the source of comfort that is God. Holy Spirit, Comforter... 

Let your strength be from Him and Him only... your security be founded on Him and Him only. Your love be first and foremost to Him, your passions and desires all for His loves too... Ahhh Lord knows how hard it is. Literally. But He's there through it all.

[The H2O in the atmosphere] is raining [down from altitudes where they have been condensed into clouds]

I like using the word pregnant, though I probably should not because I am a female and it can be shocking or confusing when heard in the wrong context. But in either case, I've been feeling pregnant - expectant - anticipating what there is to come. With nervousness too... and some fear that should not be there. It's so relaxing to watch the raindrops fall into puddles, the soft ripples they create, the plops and blips and dollops of water that they produce. It's calming.

I've been reading Authentic Beauty, courtesy of Helen. :) I read Captivating over the break, and there are many many parallels... hahaha - why? Because they are founded on the same truth, written with love by both authors, with the same ultimate desire to glorify God by perhaps helping some young woman out there to realize just a bit more how her identity and worth and joy is based solely in Christ... It makes me so happy to see their love for God and for others, their earnest hope that girls and women alike fully embrace their true Lover and Love and the truth that He speaks instead of the trash that is thrown at them by the World.

How many are there who hurt so much, have been scarred so deeply, feel beyond hope?  How many are there who naively, or confidently, or desperately place their joys, security, and hope in careers, relationships, or things, only to have these precious treasures of their hearts abandoned, ripped apart and thrown at their faces, shredded and tossed to the wind? How many, how long, how much more? It's so heartbreaking... so much when I see it in my own life, when I see it in my friends' lives, when I realize that there are so many more who suffer through this in silence, who don't know that there is more, that the One makes this possible wants so much for them to see His love for them, to embrace His sacrifice for them, to give their all to Him because He can and will hold it more securely than they can imagine, that He can give them this only Truth and this only Life. WAH!



Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
- Proverbs 37:4

Why does this work?  Because when you fully delight yourself in the LORD, your desires will be His desires, your love what He loves... and how much does God love to give good gifts to those He loves and who love Him?

Thoughts archive.03.05.09

[and a lot of them. don't judge meeeeeee :) ay!]

It's sunny outside... I woke up to a blindingly bright day, to the clicking of roommate's keyboards, to a rushed hustle and bustle of getting ready, chatting, preparing myself for a long day called Thursday. 
I've been drinking more and more coffee recently. The snow looks like icing, strewn along the sidewalks, glistening in the light and waiting for me to slip and fall into it. It's quite inviting. And distracting. I was walking to the library one night, looking at the snow on the ground, when I suddenly ran into a tree branch. The other day I was walking to work too, looking downward to (not slip on something) when I suddenly looked up and saw a wall of snow. I also stepped in dog poo that day.
How can you lead if you can't even follow? How can you care for others if you can't even care for yourself? It's kind of like the verse about the log in your own eye and the speck in your brothers' - isn't it hypocritical? I used to look at that passage and thought that it was a good thing to do what it says you shouldn't do - isn't it loving to want to care for your brother's speck? Isn't it like putting him/her before yourself? *buzzerrr* Not so. Love your neighbor as yourself. So, how are you loving yourself?

I just received my first rejection letter! Or email. I expect there are many more to come... 

God is so good!!!!! Even in the midst of scatteredness, feeling lost in an empty sea of coldness, there is warmth in His love and we are never too far from His reaches... It's so amazing to be used to lift someone up, if just in the smallest way...

I was thinking just now, as I walked down the stairs of death, (which actually aren't that bad - you just have to find the right footing, and step on the ledges at your pivoting point so that your weight is evenly balanced and you have a secure niche to stand in. oh, and not wear heels) about choices, slightly in honor of this past weekend... The hardest choice to make is that between one good thing and another good thing (it's just a wee bit harder than choosing between one bad thing and another bad thing - I learned these in psych back at Wayzata. Which, speaking of, I just met an alum at Wellesley from! That was such bad engrish. It was my pre-first-round-interview for a summer job, and we ended up talking for more than an hour about the old happenings of Wayzata HS and Plymouth, MN - it's good to [see] a familiar [face] - I really like parenthesis huh).

Often, when I (and I won't try to project this into a generic "we", however true it may be) am faced with such a situation, I wonder, which will be more glorifying to God? In which situation will I be able to best reflect Him and serve Him? In which situation can He do the most work through me? Which is the choice that He wants me to make? And so on and so on. I think those are legitimate questions to ask, and not only that but good to too! But only to an extent... when I thought this way in the past, it's always been in a paradigm that if I made choice A, I would be following God the most and therefore allowing Him to work the most in me. If I made choice B on the other hand, I would be limiting what opportunities He'd have for His workmanship more... But as I walked down those stairs of death, I think that I suddenly was hit with a realization that perhaps it's not so.

Why would any choice that we make limit God? Perhaps a certain choice/direction/path we take is not as 'opportunistic' as another, or as logical, practical - sometimes those choices are more clearly not the best. But the point is, how can we say that anything we do can limit God? God is limitless. Nothing a little human sprite can do can box in what God can do, or otherwise diminish His sovereignty... Nevertheless, my paradigm has been turned upside down. Or maybe 27 degrees counterclockwise.

Speaking of 27, some of my favorite happy numbers:
3
7
21
38
52

It seems that usually, peoples' favorite numbers are smallish, i.e. not in the 4 digits or more... Why is that? Is it b/c it's too hard to remember? Personally, I can't really remember more than 4 digits at a time. I guess that's an acceptable reason then.

Now, onto Numb3rs !!!!

3 and 7 are both yellow to me - kind of a mix between a lemony yellow and ATD-sweatshirt yellow. They're definitely solid, not hollow or engraved. They're very sturdy, kind of makes me want to eat them. 2 and 8 are both kind of milky, though 2 feels very pure and likeable to me, and is slightly softer and milkier than 8, which is a bit more marbley and elusive. 4 is a dark pit of green, and 5 is kind of a dark (but lighter than 4) purplish. 4 has a dark background as well - it's kind of indistinguishable from the background and it makes me a bit nervous. Sometimes it's purple. 5 is actually quite undefined sometimes too - it's got a bit of yellow sometimes, and other times it has a diamond checkered pattern. But I get that mixed up with 6 sometimes b/c they're both not clearly defined at all times. 9 is definitely black, ebony, very elegant, smooth and shiny, very rich and makes me think of musk. 0 is slightly like 2 and 8 but not quite as defined. It's on a white background and kind of disappears into it sometimes, but it's not as elusive as 8 (although 8 is more clearly defined than 0) and it's not as undefined as 5 and 6. I know it's there and it's quite reliable. 1 is dark and kind of dingy... kind of like halfheartedly inked print on ricepaper. 6 is also a dark kind of greenish? with a background too? But all in all those last two are not really impressionable for me... Last semester, 6 was a clear, crystalline purpley-blue, and it was on a light greyish background (not gray though. 1 used to be on a gray background, and it was still quite dingy and dark) and it used to be relaxing to me. But this semester it's not so much... This semester it's almost like a wary pit that I'd like to avoid.

So 3 and 7 are the most appealing to me, as I want to eat them. But they also bring me an amount of joy and relaxation. 7 is more feminine than 3 though, more of a delicate yumminess. 21 on its own (meaning just the digits themselves) is kind of like ying and yang with the pure, likeable pearlyness and the ehhhh/apathetic/unstable dingyness of 1... but I think it's beautiful! Partly because it's also the product of 3 and 7. It's like their lovely, insecure, still-growing-up-but-never-quite-will-because-its-a-number child. 38 I just really like for some reason that I haven't figured out yet. And 52 I've always just liked to say. Fifty-two!!!

I think I'm insane.

Security Blankets [a long and rambly ramble]

Almost all kids have one at some point in their lives. For some it's an actual blanket, for others maybe a stuffed animal - some have an article of clothing, a favorite toy, a lucky coin or number, an accessory or even a routine. For me it was a little wooden baseball bat strung on a red cord, and it fit nicely in my 3 year old mouth. I don't know where it is anymore, but I do remember wearing that around my neck a little too much. And oh the irony, since I, um, dislike/can'tfollow/whathaveyou baseball.

Most people let that go and move onto bigger and better things in life, like family, friends, education, career, status... But every once in a while, they join the countless others who indulge in a small, suppressed reminisce back to the safety of their blankets long ago...

And for what? For the security of knowing, knowing that even though you may not know, you are safe and sound, because nothing can remove you from the bosom of Security Blanket, of Teddy Bear. And so so often, most especially now, they look back through that pane of glass called memory and wonder - where has it all gone?

No matter how old we are, we yearn for security - whether in the form of a piece of fabric, or a parent's arms, or a carefully planned account of savings. Yet in times like now and in all times unlike now, security can vanish. So quickly, the fruit of a life's work can whither away, a flower in full bloom can be swept away by the wind. Security, whether physical or emotional, can easily crumble.

It's so sad how castles filled with precious treasures of hope and happiness and longing are often built with frail shavings of wood upon seas of sand. Come the storm and waves, a strong wind or a gentle breeze, even a butterfly's softest movement, and it will fall, burying with it its precious, irreplaceable and irreparable treasures... And it's so heartbreaking to see it happen. You see the waves coming. You can see even the individual molecules of air move, one by one, rumbling slowly toward the impending destruction that seems so unavoidable. And when it hits, it all comes crashing down, piece by broken piece until sand and wood and hope and happiness are all indistinguishable in the aftermath of despair.

The only source of true security is the Cornerstone, the Solid Rock on which to stand. It stretches beyond the reaches of economic hardship, beyond the depths of a despairing heart, past anything that shakes our lives in this world and beyond it. The impossible stains that are washed away never have a chance of coming back, no matter how terrible or afraid or weak we are. The vast, grey  span of Unknown in our future will never have a chance of outdarkening, smudging, even casting the slightest shadow on the glorious, radiant, and decidedly sure future that Dad has in store for us. The most emotionally, physically, mentally painful moments or journeys or even lifetimes that we may face... they will never outdo, even shift the balance at all, of the incredible and humanly impossible healing that Jehovah-Rophe, our Comforter, Strengthener, Sanctifier can and loves to bestow upon us. Because nothing, neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What security I've been blessed so graciously with, I can't ever pay back... I've barely seen a shadow of despair in my own life, only a subtle ripple of its presence, and only reflections of unfathomable (for me) grief in the lives of others. I've been blessed to be wrapped in the arms of safety and shelteredness, and for how much longer I don't know. But oh that if this spoils me, allows me to nurture any more this ugly thing called pride... It's foolish though to hope for trouble. Rather, I hope for a melting of my heart even more...

It's alright to look back to your security blanket! There is no shame in admitting that sometimes we can't do it all. There is no shame in admitting we want security, and that what we do on our own cannot suffice... in fact, it's the truth, and there is no shame in the truth. I hope that all can have this security that can be found nowhere else.

As a sidenote, I wonder, what would an infomercial for God be like?

[originally posted 1/16-2:14]

Symbiotic

Hmm.. I was brought to think about this earlier today -

As much as I'm capable of, as I'm sure many have seen, exploding in great bundles (in the chemical sense) of spontaneous joy and excitement, I'm quite sure that I'm equally capable of exploding in great bundles of frustration, panic, grief and anger. So where does it all go? Energy cannot be created or destroyed, so it clearly does not evaporate. Maybe it is channeled into something else, but what is it? Maybe it manifests itself in the form of... acne. That'd explain a lot.

But in all seriousness, I know that it does not just disappear, and I know that it doesn't just stay all inside either. When I explode, I either try to quarantine it as much as possible - affect as little people as possible, change my environment as little as possible - or I just want it to end as soon as possible - and that usually means I wait for the storm to pass, and if something is not convenient to do, I don't do it. So in conclusion, I don't often explode to others, unless I am absolutely desperate or it's not really that sudden/explosive.

On deeper examination, I don't actually explode much anyway. I told Vaneh this earlier - maybe it's better to let there be a leak in the balloon so that it never does get to the point of popping - I think that is what I usually do... but sometimes, things happen, and rate of deflation < rate of inflation. Then, popping occurs, and I run into problems mentioned above. Bahhhhhh

Habits are not all so good.

Flutterbys

I like when people wear glasses - perhaps it's my weird nerdy innards that for some reason rejoice when I see it - little flutterbys dance around my nerdy innards in happiness, and I find myself unwittingly going "awwwwww yaaaaaaay haaappyyyyy!!!"

I'm so weird. :(

I had 1.5 cups of coffee/hotchocolate/cream today. MMMMMMMM - and I think that my alertness is going to go away soon. Oh nooooo must stay up for labbbb :|

I'm also very very very happy to see people I know around campus (which, considering the size of this campus, is quite common). They're like rays of sunshine on a cloudy day. Except today it's pretty sunny too.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day :D

Ahhhhhh shutting down +_____+

Waves

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how epic life is.

Dot dot dot.

A deluge of waves is coming, and I'll need to anchor myself well in order to not be swept away. That needs to be a pretty hefty anchor then.

I hear small children. Awww, small children!

I'm really starting to like the color yellow. I'm more like my dad than I think...

Sometimes I can see my thought bubbles bloop up above my head, and I see all the clutter and mess that's inside of it - sometimes it's so shallow, yet sometimes I don't understand them at all. And I wonder, what is in everyone else's thought bubbles? What is this one thinking about, and what is that one struggling with? What has brought up those in this one's bubble, and how can that one overcome these? Each one must be so complicated, so rich and so heavy and so colorful and so fragile.

If you step back a little, all those bubbles meld - they're like cells, each one living, with each one's intricacies and stories. Step back a bit more and it becomes a body, then an entire biosphere, kind of like how individual threads made from different materials intertwine to make a tapestry, and how strokes of watercolor combine to form one painting. It's beautiful, intricate and overwhelming all at once. Like waves that cover the ocean's skin.

Looking back, I wonder, how much have things really changed the past year? Haha, xanga holds so much of my thoughts - it's interesting to go back through them and sift -- what did I think a year ago? 2 years ago? 3 years ago? What did I care about, what did I do, what did I want? Looking back, I think, wow! I posted a lot. And sometimes I find myself agreeing with my old self , but other times I'm in total contradiction with what I wrote before. Sometimes I'm surprised, because I had forgotten things that I remember again are so important, and other times I'm surprised that I have changed so much. Still other times, I find myself no longer as sure as I was before about certain things, or perhaps more sure. Some questions are now more answered, and other answers have now become questions once more.

Keeping an archive of thoughts... I wish I did that more. I wish I kept a better habit of it. Well, I wish for a lot of things, none of which will magically happen if I just keep wishing hard enough. That's the beauty of it isn't it? Wishing alone never does anything productive.. It all combines together with other factors, like the neural connections of the brain interact to an end result. Which, because of feedback, actually isn't the end. It's a (vicious) cycle.

Sometimes I find myself encouraged by the me of the past... is that a sign of regression? I don't know... It's encouraging and slightly discouraging at the same time - not sure what to make of that.

And now it's 3:33 (is it 33 seconds too?) Time to paint my heart out...

07.25.07, 10.10.07.