my Savior, my God

i am not skilled to understand
what God has willed, what God has planned
i only know at His right hand
stands One who is my Savior

i take Him at His word indeed
"Christ died for sinners" this I read
for in my heart i find the need
of Him to be my Savior

that He would leave His place on high
and come for sinful man to die
you count it strange? so once did i
before i knew my Savior

my Savior lives, my Savior loves
my Savior's always there for me
my God, He is - my God, He was,
my God, He's always gonna be

yes, living, dying, let me bring
my strength, my solace from this spring
that He who lives to be my King
once died to be my Savior

that He would leave His place on high

and come for sinful man to die

you count it strange? so once did i

before i knew my Savior

my Savior lives, my Savior loves

my Savior's always there for me

my God, He is - my God, He was,

my God, He's always gonna be

- Aaron Shust

Some songs in my head

杀破狼 | js
仙剑奇侠传-片头曲

沉睡了千年的身体从腐枝枯叶里苏醒
是夜莺凄凉的叹息解开咒语

遗忘的剑被谁封印追随着箫声和马蹄
找到你

最光荣的牺牲是英雄的宿命
挥剑的瞬间心却在哭泣

生是为了证明爱存在的痕迹
火燃烧后更伟大的生命
杀是为了歌颂破灭前的壮丽
夜是狼深邃眼睛孤独等待黎明

看不见未来和过去分不清生死的差异
不带走喜悦或遗憾离开这里

破晓和月牙在交替我穿越过几个世纪
只为你

桃花瓣在飘零这悲凉的风景
长袖挥不去一生刀光剑影

我是否已经注定这流离的宿命
我残破的羽翼直到你是你让我找回自己

Yellow | Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

Come Home Running | Chris Tomlin

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, daughter and son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Beautiful Redemption | Joy Williams

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to decieve
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
and my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)

You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Heal the Wound | Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

---

[begin stream of conscious]

I've been hungry, in many ways - hahahha. In the literal sense, it's because I have bad time management and have been either doing work or sleeping during meal times... but God provides! In all ways.

I need to do laundry this weekend.. It's been too long! Ahh! D:

It's going to be 70ish today! :) Beautifullll ~~~

I'm feeling kind of like acrylic paint. A yellow and green acrylic paint. Lumpy and inconsistent - colors that don't blend together but leave streaks wherever it goes - with a layer of film on it where there should be none... It doesn't mix properly, doesn't paint smoothly, doesn't smell good, doesn't look so hot. Maybe it can be used to paint in the grass on the side of the hill, the one that doesn't see much sun or get too much water...

and all because the paint is too dry

Acrylics. They don't keep very well.. It's not like watercolor or gouache, where you can store them somewhere for a long time and even if they become dry, you can just add a bit of water and then it'll be ok. Acrylics can only last if you've got a big glop of it, so that even when the film forms, if you break through that film and mix it with water again, it can be restored. But this is possible only when there's a big glop - too little, and no amount of mixing or wetting or pleading will bring it back... All you've got is a slab of plastic-like color at this moment... hat maybe you can glue somewhere.

Of the water based paints (for artistic purposes, not so much homemaking), acrylic is the most vibrant. Gouache has a flat, grainy quality, and watercolor (which is my personal favorite btw) is delicate, though it can, under some circumstances and applications, be wonderfully bright and oomph-ish too. Tempera used to be based in egg whites (am I wrong? I forget) and so the quality is thinner (at least... a different flavor. hehhh literally too), even if it's equally or even more bright than acrylic. Acrylic is also then the most difficult to take care of - you have to keep it constantly well-watered, or it can easily dry itself up.

If we are to be paints, it'd be best if we were watercolors huh... Ideally then, we'd be transparent all the time, well-watered and easily replenished. We'd be beautifully bright and versatile, wonderfully functional, and we'd look awesome too. Too bad we're not really - our lives may be painted in watercolor, but we ourselves are not so... We are acrylics - who need to be consistently kept in proper conditions, who cannot be so easily replenished on our own - we need the Artist to keep us alive, because without Him we die utterly and completely.

I'm thirsty. I'm going to eat my Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli now. In its BIG SIZE BOWL.

:D

Words could not express

I grew up in Sunday School - I memorized the Golden Rule, and how Jesus came to set the sinner free. I knew the story inside out - I could tell you all about the path that led Him up to Calvary...

But ask me why He loves me, and I don't know what to say.. But I'll never be the same because He changed my life when He became everything to me.

He's more than a story, more than words on a page of history. He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, He's the ground beneath my feet - He's everything to me...

We're living in uncertain times, and more and more I find that I'm aware of just how fragile life can be...

I want to tell the world I found a love that turned my life around - they need to know that they can taste and see!

Now everyday I'm praying just to give my heart away... and I want to live for Jesus so that someone else might see that He is everything to me!

He's more than a story, more than words on a page of history. He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, He's the ground beneath my feet, He's everything -

And looking back over my life at the end, I'll go to meet You, saying You've been... You're everything to me... You're more than a story, more than words on a page of history. You're everything to me, you're more than a story, more than words on a page of history. You're the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, You're the ground beneath my feet, You're everything to me.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah, your love makes me sing!

May you be filled each minute with HIM.

No matter how small we are, and we truly are so so small in view of God, yet in view of His loving mercy too, we are great...

Today is such a beautiful day... :) No rain at all, just sunshine on a non-cloudy day <3

I am also very hungry. And I broke my umbrella! Or rather, my umbrella broke, and it may or may not have been my doing... The hinge that connected two of the joints fell off... so I reconnected it with a paper clip. Yeaaaa ghetto problem solving!!!! :)

Sing sing sing! ATD has pushed me more than I thought I could be pushed... Ahhh God is good! <3

Break time

ATD Spring Tour 2009 Blog

- a recording of our random times and not-as-random times...

Break

王力宏 has such good English... I forget that and everytime I hear him sing in English I am a little shocked. 潘玮柏 also has really good English. Why is my English so not good? Dang...

My nails are painted!

It is a beautiful day. Not only b/c it's sunny and warm (it's nearing 60! duude...) but b/c this is the day that the Lord has made. Approach it with gladness... b/c God is good!!!! It's 3:25.

What are you waiting for?

- Natalie Grant 

Sometimes I get that overwhelming feeling - so sad, those faces on TV...  If I tried to make a difference, would it help anyway? But then I stop and to myself I say, "So you wanna change the world - What are you waiting for? You say you're gonna start right now - What are you waiting for? It only takes once voice so come on now and shout it out! Give a little more - What are you waiting for?"

Sometimes I feel a little helpless - seems like I can't do a thing. But anything is possible, just you wait and see -  good things happen if you just believe! So you wanna change the world - What are you waiting for? You say you're gonna start right now - What are you waiting for? It only takes once voice so come on now and shout it out! Give a little more - What are you waiting for?

Someday somehow, gonna take that step cause time is ticking away. Right here right now before it's too late, gonna face tomorrow today - So you wanna change the world - What are you waiting for? You say you're gonna start right now - What are you waiting for? It only takes once voice so come on now and shout it out! Give a little more - What are you waiting for?


There are some things worth waiting for, and some that we should wait for. But other things not so much - why wait to follow in God's footsteps? Why wait to give our heart and mind and soul, all fears and desires to Him? Why wait to obey His voice, to love Him without holding back? Why should we wait until "later", when the time is "right" or "better"? What do we know about time anyway? Except that it passes by in an hourglass permanently glued to a table, with no rewind button... 

I realize now... I can say with full assurance that I know nothing except that which He has revealed to me... I can rest assured in being unsure of my immediate future. I can have peace in the midst of storms, safety in the torrents of chaos, because my safety and assurance lie in something not named Circumstance, Accomplishment, or Luck, but in Someone named Jehovah-Elohim, El-Elyon, Adonai, Jesus! 

Isn't it awesome? Our Lord is God. Wooooooow... 

James 3. And, Concerning Epicness and Leaky Faucets (Or Water Balloons).

This is a post about my thoughts on 1.21.09 - and a disclaimer, this post does in fact reflect me at my fullest and not so fullest, complete with excerpts of streams-of-past-consciousness/journal-scribbling* and all. As people who read my blog may already know, whoever y'all are (hey drop a hi if you haven't yet, I'd like to stalk you know who you are), this is indeed a blog that holds my thoughts and ramblings, be them reflections or revelations or straight up randomness. So, um, sorry if it's not what you're looking for... That's ok, because it's the world wide web and it can do anything. Except for the things it can't do. 

A two part story - one about something so wild and untameable that the one who is able to bridle it is given the title 'Perfect'... the other about something crystalline, glistening with an unfathomable pureness, because well, it is (quite unfathomable).

How can fresh and salt water come from the same spring? Only if there are 2 sources to the spring. OMG there's a demon* living in my body and it's me - I am God's enemy!** But God has made me his friend! Not only that but his daughter! Not only that but his bride!!! That's kind of unbelievable, except it's true.

This passage especially tore at my heart that day... I am often so uncareful with my words to others, particularly my family, and at that moment, my sister. How can blessings and cursings come from the same mouth? How can both a word that lifts up and a word that tears down come from the same mouth? Only if there are 2 sources... and how can someone serve two masters? He can only love the one and despise the other...

And as to wisdom... Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one that doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

I read this after Cattoma urged me to. She said "Hey! This next section is about wisdom - what we talked about yesterday!*" And so I did, not at all realizing how much God would reveal to me in the process... As a quick back-story, one of the prayer requests that I had up to that point (and still have) is for wisdom. Wisdom, basically, in knowing how to live according to God's will... so I went to this passage expecting to just find what I'd found there the other times I'd read it. Little did I know, of course as I usually don't know, how much God had in store...

Even before I opened my Bible, God started speaking to me (and why would He be limited to a book anyway? :P) The whole day, I'd been feeling something akin to a water balloon that was going to pop. And as a sidenote, that has nothing to do with bodily functions - it's just the analogy I thought of at that time :|

So I went to my room and randomly flipped to Jan 18 on a Daily Prayers for China calendar... it landed on "The City of Chengdu". And my thought was this - God, how could you have used me so? How could I ever have deserved to work alongside you in that way? I'll do all the menial work, I'll sweep and clean the ground, because that's the closest thing to which I feel worthy... Yet God said to me, 'Child, even that is still working alongside me. I am there with you all the while... clearing the paths, readying the fields...' There is no task too great or too small in God's story.

Then the next thought that came to me was how much I love my parent, and how nothing I can ever do will repay them! What can I do then? I want to honor them and make them happy! How much more then would I ever be able to repay God? And how much more, more, more! do I want to please him?

I asked God how, why? Why of all creatures did you choose us humans? Why of all humans did you choose me? The hardest people, the murderers, you formed them in their mothers' wombs. The innocent child, the most loving and most hating... God you were the one who hardened Pharaoh's heart... Why then? Why did you choose me? You could have so easily hardened my heart too... and all for your glory!

The water balloon that was my heart that day - I realized how it was filled so much with tears of remorse... for the wastefulness that I saw as my life (at least parts of it. that sounds so depressing huh :P ), the terrible stewardship of what God's given to me. I looked sometimes at my actions and saw a big red stamp screaming "EPIC FAIL". Well, I don't know if it's really fail, but it's definitely epic. As fairytale and epic and adventurous my dreams (literally those REM dreams) may be, they cannot ever compare to the epicness of God's glory and of the story that He writes...

All God did in response to all my questions and tight throatedness (much like that of a frog, as I'd imagine it) was hold me in His arms... and that's all and more than I ever needed and need and will need... He allowed me a little glimpse of His everlasting love for me... haha and that's probably as much as I could have handled at that time too. Any more and I probably would have burst. Instead I just leaked a lot (again, nothing about bodily functions) Yea, I was pretty emotional... (God can use anything for His glory! Even PMS. :| ) and somewhere from the depths of my puddles came this thought - Jesus was an emotional man. 

My only clearly understandable response was this - I can't understand how glorious God is, no matter how much I ramble about it. That's awesome! That He's too awesome for comprehension. And that's awesome! That He allows us to have little glimpses of Him! Thank you God, only your hands would let me leak so beautifully. Not that I'm beautifully leaking, but that these tears are in awe of you... My smallest and my largest... they can only be beautiful when they're for you. 

Mamama, thanks for 'telling me something quick' :) This was another instance in life when a wisp of a butterfly's wings lead to an awe-ful hurricane.

And here's a song that popped up on my WMP earlier - it describes God's love so wonderfully...

What If?

Jadon Lavik

What if I climbed that mountain? What if I swam to that shore? What if every battle were victorious? Then would you love me more? Would you love me more?

What if I were everyone's first choice? What if I went farther than before? What if I stood high above the rest? Then would you love me more? Would you love me more?

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, why you do, why you do.. I'm in awe of you.

What if I ignored the hand that fed me? What if I forgot to confess? What if I stumbled down that mountain? Then would you love me less? Lord, would you love me less?

What if I were everyone's last choice? What if I'm mixed in with the rest? What if I fail what I passed before? Then would you love me less? Lord, would you, would you love me less? Oh no oh no oh no...

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, you do you do you do...

What have I done to deserve your Son sent to die for me? What can I give? I wanna live! Give me eyes to see! The world that keeps changing there's one thing that I know is true. Your love is staying, there's nothing else I hold on to. 

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, why you do.

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do... I'm in awe of you, I'm in awe of you...

The way you love me... The way you do... The way you do, the way you love... You love me, you love me! The way you do, the way you do, the way you love me! The way you love...

* edited for the general population 

** from MNO - God was our greatest enemy until He made us His friends

Broken records

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great high Priest whose Name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.


When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free,
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me,
To look on Him and pardon me.


Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace.
One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God!

One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God!

I'm amazed.

I'm reminded over and over of how awesome God is...

These blogs are supposed to be a review for myself of what happens each day... The thing is though, I also don't read through it again, so I'm not making myself aware of how much God's worked in my life...

By peering back through the looking glass, examining all of the lilies that fall into my life each day, I want to be more aware, more awe-struck, by how Great our God is. That's the reason I even made this blog... And then named them such silly things. Heh heh...

I'm Amazed.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me 

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

Music and lyrics by Jared Anderson
© 2004 Vertical Worship Songs
CCLI# 4221021

On Fire

-Switchfoot-

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

In 3 days I realized these:
Life is fragile - it can end at any moment, in any situation
I am insignificant and incapable - not in control of my surroundings or situations
Friends are essential - they're so so important, not only to support you, but to be supported
and God is all you can hold onto.

Everything else will fall away - whether they be friends, family, ideas, knowledge, yourself... I can't depend on myself, because I know how much I fall short of what I hope to be. I know how weak and undependable I am. I can't depend on others - because though they may seem strong, they are still only human. They will make mistakes, hurt me and others, fail, leave. Ideas come and go, and knowledge can only go so far.

But none of that is to be taken for granted either. And when I look back to what I've been shown, I can't help but kind of gape in awe.