Patterns

[This post is inspired by Lifehacker]

I've noticed a pattern in my dreams recently -- there's been a theme of not knowing what to do with what I've got, not knowing how to use my skills and assets, not knowing how to solve a problem... Just last night I dreamed something akin to the Hunger Games (another pattern in itself -- why are my dreams always like this?? I haven't even read it.), and I was faced constantly with this feeling of "omg this sucks I'm going to die" rather than my usual "Yeaaah adventures!!" I generally remember emotions in my dreams very well (as opposed to in real life haha -- but really, I'm trying!) and I've noticed that the overwhelming feeling in my dreams of late is that of a pervasive directionlessness, joined with frustration and an overall color of burnt sienna.

More patterns in life: I love problem solving - challenges excite me, and I love tackling something that I find difficult or elusive or overly ambitious. At an extreme, if something feels almost impossible to me, it's probably something that I will latch onto and try to tackle (however consciously or willingly), and typically not with the careful foresight and analysis that should accompany it.

I am competitive. Perhaps I don't seem to be (or maybe I do -- do I? Not sure), but I can take the most meaningless activities and make them unnecessarily cut-throat. That said, I mean this in solely play-environments. Though for a while my family (thankfully no longer) and family friends valued competitiveness in terms of grades, GPA, SAT scores, trophies, medals, and extracurriculars, that is not the sort of field I want to compete in. That makes me very sad -- maybe because I now associate that with a sense of worth - i.e. if you have higher grades or salary or what-not, you're automatically better? Or if you've created more artwork than person B in the last month, you're a superior artist? Far from it! But if you're going to play a sport or game or anything else, have at it! It's the attachment of worth to any accomplishments that sets me off.

All these now written out... I've been feeling quite at odds with myself. I want [to do/be/have] a lot of things, and in my typical too-excited-and-not-enough-thinking way of jumping into things, I often bite off more than I can chew. Thus, part of growing for me means learning to recognize my limits, to think more thoroughly before I leap, and consider more carefully before I accept a challenge. Though it's no excuse, I think this does help to at least partially explain why my plate is often overflowing with projects to do, people to see, places to go - perhaps why I often feel like I'm running madly behind life, trying to keep up with and not be dragged along by time.

More thoughts are swimming, but I will have to sieve through them another time... Good night.