Snowglobe

Massachusetts:

Wellesley:

1 down

2 more to go!!!!

LAN is causing problems in my harddrive. butitsbetterthiswaysothaticannotlogontosomethinganddistractmyselfonlineinsteadofstudyingfortests.

sockssockssockssockssockssockssocks

Current craving: permanent markers, preferably a red or pink one.

IT FEELS LIKE SPRING!!! Whyyyyyyyyyyy NE weather? Why do you tease us so? Sad face.

88 hour plan is still in motion. YOSmilk

A chart

In honor of economics, current study topic at hand.

Perhaps it is more aptly titled: "Number of Bloggers in College v. Progression of Finals"

Attached

His name is Jesus.

Little treasures

How is your day. I know you are busy this week. Still please don't burn yourself down. We will pray for you. forwarding are the two links of our group activities picture you might interest to look when you have time.

love you

mom

I heart

SUNNY DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

And getting free things.

Monday

Long week ahead :) I'm so excited!
I had a lot of thoughts earlier. But all gone. That's ok. The less in my head the better at this moment, so I can do neuro. :D That makes no sense. :/

O man

So I said before I'd love to work for Pixar... found out today that there are internships that they offer - and things called demo reels - I'm so intimidated. AHHHH! :O

..............

Wow :O

I am actually quite impressed...
http://www.mitxawards.org/Finalists.aspx

Yaaaay Magic Hour! Though I admit I like some of the other designs a bit better, I am happy to say that I'm a part of the Berkshire team :)

Chiharu Shiota

My inspiration.









Her inspiration. Memories, Catastrophe, Dreams, Death

Synaesthesia is 7 times more common in artists, poets, and novelists. Strabismus also is quite common in all the above. Bevil said that artists sometimes benefit from seeing from just one eye - I wrote my common app about that (hahahahahahaaaa sigh)

People say that we have no depth perception. I guess I can use that as my excuse for being bad at sports/activities requiring depth perception. Like driving.

When you can only see with one eye, you have to create your own depth perception then huh? In that sense, you can also more easily represent aspects of the three-dimensional world on a two-dimensional surface: that's all you've ever known.

That same concept can be stretched over so many things - over the realm of spirituality, the realm of intellect, of emotion, physicality, musicality, and the list goes on.

I wonder, what color does she see?

I wish I could do tests on my brain. Maybe they would help me in my neuro exam. Chapter 14...

Symbiotic

Hmm.. I was brought to think about this earlier today -

As much as I'm capable of, as I'm sure many have seen, exploding in great bundles (in the chemical sense) of spontaneous joy and excitement, I'm quite sure that I'm equally capable of exploding in great bundles of frustration, panic, grief and anger. So where does it all go? Energy cannot be created or destroyed, so it clearly does not evaporate. Maybe it is channeled into something else, but what is it? Maybe it manifests itself in the form of... acne. That'd explain a lot.

But in all seriousness, I know that it does not just disappear, and I know that it doesn't just stay all inside either. When I explode, I either try to quarantine it as much as possible - affect as little people as possible, change my environment as little as possible - or I just want it to end as soon as possible - and that usually means I wait for the storm to pass, and if something is not convenient to do, I don't do it. So in conclusion, I don't often explode to others, unless I am absolutely desperate or it's not really that sudden/explosive.

On deeper examination, I don't actually explode much anyway. I told Vaneh this earlier - maybe it's better to let there be a leak in the balloon so that it never does get to the point of popping - I think that is what I usually do... but sometimes, things happen, and rate of deflation < rate of inflation. Then, popping occurs, and I run into problems mentioned above. Bahhhhhh

Habits are not all so good.

Studybreak: Overheard in Wellesley

"Girls dance with other girls to get guys' attention. So they're dancing with me to get the guy's attention, but I'm dancing with them to dance with them."

I can't help but think,

Sad... different meanings, but on both parts...

Flutterbys

I like when people wear glasses - perhaps it's my weird nerdy innards that for some reason rejoice when I see it - little flutterbys dance around my nerdy innards in happiness, and I find myself unwittingly going "awwwwww yaaaaaaay haaappyyyyy!!!"

I'm so weird. :(

I had 1.5 cups of coffee/hotchocolate/cream today. MMMMMMMM - and I think that my alertness is going to go away soon. Oh nooooo must stay up for labbbb :|

I'm also very very very happy to see people I know around campus (which, considering the size of this campus, is quite common). They're like rays of sunshine on a cloudy day. Except today it's pretty sunny too.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day :D

Ahhhhhh shutting down +_____+

Waves

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how epic life is.

Dot dot dot.

A deluge of waves is coming, and I'll need to anchor myself well in order to not be swept away. That needs to be a pretty hefty anchor then.

I hear small children. Awww, small children!

I'm really starting to like the color yellow. I'm more like my dad than I think...

Sometimes I can see my thought bubbles bloop up above my head, and I see all the clutter and mess that's inside of it - sometimes it's so shallow, yet sometimes I don't understand them at all. And I wonder, what is in everyone else's thought bubbles? What is this one thinking about, and what is that one struggling with? What has brought up those in this one's bubble, and how can that one overcome these? Each one must be so complicated, so rich and so heavy and so colorful and so fragile.

If you step back a little, all those bubbles meld - they're like cells, each one living, with each one's intricacies and stories. Step back a bit more and it becomes a body, then an entire biosphere, kind of like how individual threads made from different materials intertwine to make a tapestry, and how strokes of watercolor combine to form one painting. It's beautiful, intricate and overwhelming all at once. Like waves that cover the ocean's skin.

Looking back, I wonder, how much have things really changed the past year? Haha, xanga holds so much of my thoughts - it's interesting to go back through them and sift -- what did I think a year ago? 2 years ago? 3 years ago? What did I care about, what did I do, what did I want? Looking back, I think, wow! I posted a lot. And sometimes I find myself agreeing with my old self , but other times I'm in total contradiction with what I wrote before. Sometimes I'm surprised, because I had forgotten things that I remember again are so important, and other times I'm surprised that I have changed so much. Still other times, I find myself no longer as sure as I was before about certain things, or perhaps more sure. Some questions are now more answered, and other answers have now become questions once more.

Keeping an archive of thoughts... I wish I did that more. I wish I kept a better habit of it. Well, I wish for a lot of things, none of which will magically happen if I just keep wishing hard enough. That's the beauty of it isn't it? Wishing alone never does anything productive.. It all combines together with other factors, like the neural connections of the brain interact to an end result. Which, because of feedback, actually isn't the end. It's a (vicious) cycle.

Sometimes I find myself encouraged by the me of the past... is that a sign of regression? I don't know... It's encouraging and slightly discouraging at the same time - not sure what to make of that.

And now it's 3:33 (is it 33 seconds too?) Time to paint my heart out...

07.25.07, 10.10.07.

Edumacation - a tangent of thought.

http://www.theamericanscholar.org/su08/elite-deresiewicz.html
Link courtesy of Steph Chan.

Looking at and working with the private school websites that Magic Hour pumps out each year has given me a sense of... something. I feel as if I'm a smaller and dustier speck of I-don't-really-know-what-ness as I go on, although I am also currently at one of these prissy schools - something that I only recently realized I have been taking waaay too much for granted. Part of me can't believe the upscaleness of these... things. Rudell would throw a fit at my improper use of pronouns. Wayzata, you think you're all that. Johnson was right; you're wrong.

It's a vortex of superiority. Plah on it all!

Thoughts, part II

It's pretty disheartening to see people get upset over things, especially when they start to push the blame onto other people, and when those things themselves were just a simple human error... sometimes I just want to say, "hey, I'm sorry that blankblankblank happened, and I'm sorry that you're frustrated and angry right now, but you know what? You will be alright! It's O. K." and please stop blaming it on the blanking blanking blanking blanks in the blanking blanking blank blank who couldn't stop the blanking blankers from taking over all the PCs on campus. Sad face.

This is the first sleepover I've had all year!!! Ahhh!!! :D

Econ101 with Case

We're taking a 10 minute break so that Case can chase after a wasp with a styrofoam bar. He's already slapped at two students with it now. Unfortunately, the wasp is still victorious.

So many girly screams...

Ah, the battle ends. It landed on my water bottle. And the girl next to me slapped it. And it may have gone into my backpack. Ahh, good times in econ...

Oh, just kidding. It's back. :/ At least my chips are still intact.

Facebook - an incoherent rant.

There seems to be endless debates around [the pros and cons of] Facebook... Personally, I find that I am quite often put at unease with what I see on it. Apparently, it's useless to "use one's discretion", since one's discretion is usually unreliable. Also, facebook is the worldwide stalkernet - not so sure about that... Fortunately, it is not mandatory to declare in a publicly accessible space one's personal address and phone number, as it is on Wellesley's very own StalkerNet (available only on campus to those with a banner ID), but people do it anyway. To a certain extent we can protect the privacy of these sensitive bits of info, but again, one's own discretion is not always the best. Or maybe they just don't care. But please, if you may, put away those pictures of yourself participating in... questionable... activities.

However, as shallow as Facebook may be, it has its merits... One of which is to know people's birthdays - so useful! Except when it's wrong. That's not so helpful. I personally highly dislike when people write a cute little "happy birthday!" on my wall simply because the specific date of which was to be found on my Facebook profile - I find myself twitching at it sometimes. And it feels rather bandwagonesque to me. Wow, is that a word? It's not red-scribbly-underlined... 

All that said, Linlin, I implore you - don't get facebook yet :( But if you do, I'll be your friend. Heart.

Everyone, go and support your local chamber of commerce! Fly, fly! And tomorrow is International Stuttering Awareness Day.

JEMJEMJEMJEMJEM

Mice

+


=



D:

Well that's slightly disturbing.


Also! Instead of just your normal computer mouse, you can buy the vacuum mouse!



Made to pick up dust and grime from underneath your mouse. Works better than cleaning the mouse old-school-way. One time, I put lotion inside my mouse to prevent squeakiness. It worked for a day.

"Hahhh"

^the word that echoes in my head following an awkward and/or embarrassing situation.

Wellesley's famous (or not so) Lake Day - where students historically skipped class and hung around Lake Waban. It's now been made into an official holiday (or not, since classes are not canceled for thisi event). According to the description on the college website,

Lake Day is one of Wellesley’s most closely guarded student secrets. Planned by student government leaders, Lake Day grew out of the desire for students to take a break from the rigors of their academic pursuits and have fun. From a historical perspective, the word would be spread among students that on a certain date they would take off from their classes to enjoy a day filled with music, dancing, food, fun, and games. Lake Day today is still kept as a secret and is a day filled with fun and festivities.

It's not really a secret though. Meaning, it is widely publicized and unless one is blind or deaf or has no connections period, one will know about it.

Today, festivities included a small petting zoo, a carnival ride (but ghetto - straight up peeling wood and rusted metal. and huge blinky lights), a trackless train (complete with an appropriate conductor, plus about 20/30 years, with max capacity of roughly 40 college students), plenty of cotton candy and cupcakes and fried dough, and about 2300 sadly deprived college students. It was quite a blast :)

In other news, my boss's boss introduced me to a new guy on the team, and it had to be the most awkward meeting I've had in a while. Hahhh...

On the way back

(buses have wifi now! ahhh!)

Mmm all in all it's been a great weekend... a true retreat into the city that turned up many things that I would never have expected.

I realized many of the blessings of going to Wellesley this weekend.. haha! That's kind of ironic - I originally was so looking forward to this trip as a retreat away from Wellesley, and now that I look back, it's become something that's helped me to appreciate it all the more... interesting.

Had so many great conversations these few days... strange and wonderful to catch up with home friends, meet their new friends and click with even newer friends - and that in itself was a strange experience. Clicking with others. Not that it's never happened. Actually, I think that's what brings about friendships - clicking! Ahh so many realizations through that too..

I wonder, how strong am I really? If I am strong at all? How long could I stand firm, if I can stand firm at all? One more reason to love Wellesley...

Other reasons include being able to eat without being judged (most of the time), and being able to talk to like minded individuals about things of frivolous matter in an intellecual way (like fashion and shoes. although the former includes the latter, the latter is also in a category by itself). And more.

The trees outside are so beautiful! Mother Nature is finally shedding her summer veil... Interesting how its Mother Nature and Father Time.

Etiquette is important.

1.5 more hours to go!

I had half a jar of covered espresso beans - equivalent to about 4 cups of pure espresso... but I still managed to nod off while reading through my neuro notes. You have failed me, oh caffeine! Caffeine is a bitter tasting substance, reminiscent of the bitter tastes of many poisons in our world. Our gustatory and olfactory systems work together to take in all those sensations of smell and taste to provide feedback to our brains, telling us which substances may or may not be beneficial or harmful. There are over 10000 distinguishable (for humans) odors, yet we have less odor receptors in our noses than do mice. That's because (our perception of) odor is not only dependent on the molecules, but also on the concentration of those molecules. For example, the odor molecule for coffee is the same as that of feces - the latter just happens to be much more concentrated. So the next time you smell that coffee and think "mmmm", think again.

Back to studying... :(

I am addicted

to chocolate covered espresso beans. :( Hungryyy

Eating alone

Often times I would kind of cringe at the thought of eating by myself somewhere, like for lunch or dinner or what not - and I know many people who shudder at the thought too... but I think that recently I've been really enjoying that... partially because I have no choice and there's just no time, haha - but also partially because it seems to be the few moments I have "alone" - I guess I've come to really appreciate and even look forward to eating alone. All that said, I also see that there's much much value in eating with others - a chance to build relationships, to deepen relationships, to catch up and wind down, and because everyone has to eat anyway, why not do it together if you can? There's definitely value in both.

All that said, I just set up another lunch date.. hahaha

In other news, I have a new pet:
http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/algae.html

Courtesy of the bio department.

Good Posture

Once upon a time, I had good posture - maybe it was because I took ballet and was trained from a young and supple age to maintain my good standing, or maybe it was because there just wasn't much of me that could be pulled down by gravity. A short stub can typically stand more firmly and straightly (is that a word?) than can a taller.. stub.

Since whatever day it was that I started to slouch, I've become worse and worse in terms of posture. When I took ballet for a brief semester last year, it improved just slightly (I even had some very supportive people commenting on how office-lady I looked. Actually, I don't know what that means..uhh) but soon after the next semester began, I reverted back to my old, hunched-over ways.

Not too long ago, I saw an example of terrible posture while on my way to work. From one angle she looked normal, but from another she looked as if she had aged 30 years. Strange, and actually quite disturbing. But it motivated me to do better! So I looked through all those "how to's" (like the wonderful wiki-how) on how to improve posture, and found typical things like 'strengthen your muscles across the back and shoulders', and 'do stretches' (and some not as typical things, like 'be a penguin'), but today, I came upon a new realization and perhaps a new method of inducing good posture!

Walk in heels.

I found that when I walk in heels, I have good posture! Mostly because if that were not the case, I would probably break my foot or twist an ankle or injure myself stupidly in some other way on account of imbalance and poor planning (cobblestone + heels = bad. I write really long sentences :( ). I also found that because I am so grateful to sit after each walk, I am actually more inclined to sit up straight and not slouch. Typically, I'd expect this relief to manifest itself in the form of "ahhhh" and *slouch*, but interestingly enough, perhaps the dopamine system works in this case to not "let oneself go" as a reward, but rather to "strive for better" as an incentive for more future reward. So in conclusion, another way to induce better posture is to walk in heels. Unfortunately that only works (or is socially acceptable) for half of the human population.

Well, that was all a bit convoluted, and perhaps it's all just my justification for buying a new pair of shoes. :/ My jacket is fuzzing and I fell asleep at the bus stop today. And I think I'm having an allergic reaction to my hairtie.

End.

Broken records

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea,
A great high Priest whose Name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart,
No tongue can bid me thence depart.


When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free,
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me,
To look on Him and pardon me.


Behold Him there, the risen Lamb,
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace.
One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God!

One with Himself, I cannot die,
My soul is purchased by His blood.
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God!

Feeling yellow

And a little green, a bit purple, a tinge orange, and all shades of blue. Oh, and kind of grey too, but that's probably because I feel not very hygienically acceptable right now. :( I need to shower.

It's Monday. I want a day off. I don't think I even know how much I need a day off.

I feel like I'm always just making it. Can I please not do that? I have 30 minutes.

哎...

Strange. A block.

On the way back just now, Vaneh said she suddenly felt strangely insecure. I realized, thinking back now, that I'm suddenly feeling strangely insecure too... I don't know exactly why, and I think I don't want to think about it either. Actually, I'm just very tired and my art isn't getting done and my laundry isn't getting folded. Double whammy. But no really, I often can not enunciate my thoughts... I'll have them boiling in my head, sometimes already decided and sometimes not, but most of the time, in either case, unsaid and unclarified. I think that's partly why I like to hear others' thought processes - because it helps me break down my own, since I seem to be so afraid to actually go do it myself.

You know it's late when...

You go into an elevator, press the wrong buttons, get out on the wrong floor anyway even though you pressed the at least one of the right buttons, back track the stairs, then go back to the elevator to rebacktrack. And forget that it's the same elevator that you just used. Did that make sense at all?

So I got on the elevator with the intention of going up to 4th floor (I know, so lame - why not walk right? :( :( :( ), but I pressed both the 3rd and 4th floor buttons. I get off at 3rd floor for some reason (b/c the door opened there first ok?) and then walk up the stairs to 4th floor. Then I go back to the elevator to go back down to 3rd floor (why? I don't know.) and found myself thinking, "hey, this looks like the one from third floor!"

.............

For lack of better words, I think I'll just end this post here. It's not really that late though. I think this happened around 12. :( Shame...

Thirsty...

I know that God's ultimately in control... I know that whatever happens, no matter how unbearable or wonderful or anything in between, it's all in His hands...

As I sit here with my styrofoam bowl of melted ice cream and oreos and whipped cream and walnuts, my neuro notes from the past year splayed out before me on all 3 levels of my desk, and silence in my hallway - something I don't think I've heard for a long long time (oh the irony) - I can't help but feel like feeling nothing. I try to grasp onto whatever tingling of thought or emotion or reason that I can find, but I find instead that I can't find anything.

I think I'm being weaned off of my dependence on emotions, and I understand why that is so so important too... but heck, I don't want to be weaned off anything. :/ Merrr... Yet now I do find myself sitting in a pile of chaos, feeling nothing in the face of more chaos. And all I can do is cling onto what I do know - that God is ultimately in control and that it's all in His hands...

And I can look back, I've been blessed to be able to look back to the past few months, even the past few days, and see that regardless of what my short memory and emotions and weak convictions may tell me, He is there and He is sovereign. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! Thank you for changing hearts...

.

What's up?

Let your first love be the One who first loved you...

We love because he first loved us. - John 4:19

Until you fully understand love, you cannot fully love. Hmm... does that mean that we will never be able to fully love then? Can we ever fully understand it? Maybeeee... or is it that as we love more fully, we begin to understand love more? I think that it's the other way around... 

The same does not necessarily go for the first like... Let your first like be the one who first liked you? Hahah that doesn't work so well. I think the first person I've ever liked (ok, "liked") was back in 2nd grade. How is that possible? I don't understand how little kids can have "crushes"... But fine, I still don't understand how grown men and women can have crushes. Or likes. Or like-likes. Like-like-likes? Liek! Leeks. Mmm... leeks... Bah, all that is beyond me.

And I need to clip my nails. I arranged all my nail polish in a nice little circle, in order of color, then bottle size, then transparency. I am so OCD. :(

A long day is ahead... get some rest little one, for time waits for nothing. Except itself.

I'm amazed.

I'm reminded over and over of how awesome God is...

These blogs are supposed to be a review for myself of what happens each day... The thing is though, I also don't read through it again, so I'm not making myself aware of how much God's worked in my life...

By peering back through the looking glass, examining all of the lilies that fall into my life each day, I want to be more aware, more awe-struck, by how Great our God is. That's the reason I even made this blog... And then named them such silly things. Heh heh...

I'm Amazed.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me 

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

Music and lyrics by Jared Anderson
© 2004 Vertical Worship Songs
CCLI# 4221021

It's official.

I quit my job at the Davis.

:) :( :/ :\ :| 8| X| :{ :{( E|(:{D

| /
(| )-Ox
| \

< ; )
( ~~ )>

(| |)
( '-' )
(^ ^)o

/\ /\
(OvO)
(| ,, |)

O( ._.)0
/( )\
~ || ||.
/\_/\
(o__o)
(_____)~

/\_/\
(o w o)
(_____)~

/\_/\
(o u o)
(_____)~

Stuck

Between a rock and a hard place - where both seem equally good and bad, have people espousing them on both sides, and cannot be left abandoned. Mer.

I'm not much better. Actually, I'm the same. I guess this is what empathy is... or maybe it's just a way to see things in a wider scope.

What's your life analogy?

I'm posting a lot

For one day. Maybe that's a sign of further emo-ness! Boooo being emo is never in style. That's ok. It may be because I'm thinking a lot too - which is both a good and bad thing.

I think God gave me a realization today - I've always said to myself and to others that God will never give us a situation that we can't handle, and I took that from 1 Corinthians 10:

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."(v12-13)

In context, Paul was writing to the Corinthian church about the sins that the Israelites had made in the past, as a reminder to not repeat the same things. He tells them here that God will never give us a temptation that we cannot bear... and that He is faithful and will always provide a way out. I applied that to other circumstances too, thinking that God would never give us a situation that we couldn't handle.

I may or may not be right about what I'm thinking now - but I now disagree. Just because Paul tells us that God will not give us temptation that we can't handle doesn't mean that He'll likewise not give us any other circumstance that we can't handle. And when I say "we can't handle", I do mean something that we ourselves cannot handle - I think that's an important distinction that I never clearly made before... I held before that we can only do anything we do through God - now I hold that we can only do anything because God does it through us. A slight change on words, but I think an entirely different meaning...

And also, taking from Enoch's sermons the last few weeks, we face adversity so that we will turn to God and give up our idols. On top of that, God makes our hard situations harder and even impossible so that we truly depend on Him. Gideon's 300 men versus men numbered as the sands of the shore = impossible situation. That was something that he obviously could never have been able to handle. Never! But God was the one working, so of course, numbers and strength and anything else we could place our bets on don't matter at all.

So... that brought me to think today - God does give us situations that we cannot handle. But it's not so He can stand there and watch us fail miserably and laugh - it's so we really learn to turn fully to Him, 100%. Because even though they are situations that we cannot handle, we're not the ones meant to handle them in the first place.

Well, I hope that I'll remember this when those impossible situations do come along... I have confidence in God though - more and more so as these times have moved on... YAY GOD!

On another note, blogger lets you decide what time to post it! So I'm arbitrarily setting this to be posted at 3:21AM :) I like those numbers. If only I could control the seconds too... then I'd say 3:21:07 - my 3 favorite numbers :D I'm such a nerd.

(a ridiculously long winded post)

I think I'm PMSing - It's around that time again.
But! Even so, it doesn't mean I should make light of my problems, because I have problems. Merr.... I guess I'm very discouraged right now... Because of work, because of school, because of relationships, because of how painfully lacking I am in so many ways...
I could rant so much right now. But ranting isn't necessarily the best way to deal with my problems.. At least not to this online world, even if only a few people can see it. I know I need to go to God, and I was so thirsty to just hear and read what His Word says as I was leaving work... except now I feel kind of dry again.
Is this just another trough in the cycles of mood? Is it just a result of my overly active hormones waiting to explode on me and attack? Or is it something more? Is this just one of the adversities that I know will be coming? Is this a test God's placed on me, asking me if I really truly trust Him? Is this going to become that impossible situation, where nothing I do will ever get me out in one piece? Where all I can do is trust Him? Because nothing else will matter?
I was reading Prov 19 today... And it spoke of the fool who is unwilling to learn. Am I that fool? Am I so blinded by my own situations that I cannot see the dangers ahead? Am I walking a tightrope that is no longer whole, that will eventually dissolve? Maybe others can see what I can't, that the end of the rope is near, or that I'm walking a downwards slope... Or maybe they are wrong - maybe this is a path worth taking because it is the one that I was meant to be finish. Right now, I have no idea. None. I keep countering myself in both cases, and keep on arguing both sides... I know I'm biased though, and I know that my imperfections will never allow me to see clearly in any case. But that doesn't mean that I am not going to finish, or that I should get off now. Both are risks, one greater than the other... What am I supposed to do?
I think now I do feel totally helpless. Every way I look to seems like it's blocked off - darkened and murky and blurred. Heh - there is no "better" way right now, so far as I can see. All ways are equal and they all stink.
There are always those stories of people who went against all odds, against what people told them and against what society knew to be true - and they succeeded. But there are so so so many untold stories, so many close-to-home events that I know are more likely and more realistic - of the failures of those who walk along those types of paths. What am I on? I can't see everything, by walking with my eyes toward my feet. I won't be able to see the things that are up ahead if I only look down. But at the same time, I won't be able to see the holes in the ground, the frayed paths along my feet, if I only look up and out.
Of course, nobody can see the future... we only know by what we've previously experienced. And playing life by those chances - is that really what life is about? Is that even the question to ask? Am I just thinking in a totally wrong paradigm?
Um, right now, I just don't know. Right now, all I want is for time to stop - just stop and let me think, let me reflect, let me gather myself... before you start again and everything else starts piling on... Too bad life doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna make me that spinach and artichoke dip now. And some fried rice. Ahhhh food...

Internal Struggles

That may or may not be so serious.

I miss people but I don't call :( I think that is actually pretty serious. Yea. Shame on me :( I need to plan my time better so I actually have that time to call them... If only we had 72 hours in a day. I might die.

Mmmm spinach and artichoke dip :) nom nom nommmm

Ass-u-me

You can never assume anything... And when people say, "oh, it's safe to assume that _________", I just think to myself that it's impossible. I too am guilty of assuming... too often, too often.

I think that's why it's so important to ask, to check up, to clarify - but maybe not every situation allows for that? Then you have to find another way? But that just doesn't seem right. It's like when people have a problem with someone - I think they should just tell the other person to their face. I think that's the most respectful and loving - rather than going to someone else about it first... I guess that each situation would be different though. There may be times when you won't be able to tell that person face to face in a healthy way unless you work it through in your own mind first - and maybe it helps certain people to work it through their minds by talking over it with someone else? But even if that's the case, you have to be so careful about it...

I know perfection isn't attainable - or at least, extremely difficult to do - but we can at least make a better effort and not just spew at each other behind each others' backs... Gossip is so so so easy to fall into. Especially when it's under the label of "let's pray for..." or "can you please help me with..."

It's annoying sometimes. The fact that we're terribly imperfect people makes life so hard. Mer.

So many lines.

It's 2:26 am. AHH!!! But I had a great conversation that I wish could have gone on longer...

All said though, I wish I had been there for you longer, that I had been there for you sooner, that I had done more, that I had made more effort... I'm sorry maaaaa D:

Maybe this will be the first of many more phone dates to come :) I love phone dates. Even though sometimes they may be filled with silences. That's just because I'm thinking though. Merh.

For now, I'm going to try to set up appointments and make things more intentional... dahhhh if only we had like 72 hours in a day.

Right now actually, I'd be happy to just stay up all night and keep talking. And talking, and talking and talking... like the energizer bunny, except Duracil works better. Did I spell that right?

Um, that's probably not a good idea though.

So right now, I'm feeling kind of loopy.  Not just in the sense that it's kind of late - also that everything seems to be looping together and tangling up into knots. Ok, not everything. That's a huge exaggeration. But things in general?

Tomorrow is Family Night. Actually, today is Family Night. Ahh it's Sunday!

Really, time has flown by so quickly. I feel like summer began just a couple weeks ago, rather than a whole 2 months ago. There's a big flying bug around my head. Get awaaaaayyyy

All that I need is a little more life in my day... not more minutes or more hours, but more life... And there are so many ways that could happen.

Take some time to just stop and smell the roses. Cat said this before, and I voice it again. Please, stop picking the flowers and putting them into jars and then just forgetting about them. Enjoy the beauty of the flower, the fragrance of the flower, in its state and just where it is... We don't need to snatch things before their time...

Everything just seems so shallow sometimes. Am I just really cynical at the moment? Maybe I'm just being emo. EMOOOOOO EMU

Dahh. The end.

About Learning

Once again. I was just reminded of some of my frustrations. Mostly with myself. But also with others - though I should have no reason to be?

I wrote about this once in my xanga - I think that learning by crashing and burning can be super effective - but it's much wiser to learn through others' experiences.

Yes yes, we may remember things better when we actually experience things ourselves, and sometimes that experience is so necessary for other things... Learning by feeling and experiencing can mean that we learn and remember better. Yes. I agree. BUT, I still consider it foolish to dive into something you've seen others fail multiple times in.

I think wisdom in one form is being able to learn from others' mistakes. Being able to discern what should and should not be taken from others' experiences.

To say that it's better to crash and burn often shows a lack of maturity I think - not about the person saying it necessarily, but about the person it refers to. Sure, you'll end up with a lot of battle scars, but what does that really show? It shows you have a lot of experience, and a large history of many foolish actions.

This is not to say we should not ever take risks. But there is a difference to taking a risk and taking a plain old stupid risk. I guess that's up in the air too - of what is and isn't stupid. Fine fine, because everything is a disputable matter in that case. True. There are merits to both. But this is my stance - take it or leave it.

Unnecessary

I keep thinking back to Mrs. Swiggum's blurb in BioX 3 years ago - if it's a floater, you're all good, but if it's a sinker, you need more fiber.

I need more fiber.

I really miss my mom's green beans... Mmmm so good D: I tried making them the other day, but I was minus 2 ingredients and I probably made a bad choice in my substitutions... Ah, and there was too much ginger. :/ Green beans and ginger don't seem to mix too well. Maybe it's just me.

I've also been able to finally break out of my room into the porch! Pictures to come.

One more thought - Trader Joe's instant miso soup is the worst idea ever. Or maybe it's just the worst instant miso soup ever. Mao...

And oh, so many unnecessary things. What do you do?

A day in the office

The internet was down today for about an hour...

So we cranked out the Wii and feasted on artichoke/shrimp/chicken/3 cheese pizzas. Mmmm...

It's interesting weird to see grown men, some of them well into their 60s, playing pop-the-bubbles (or whatever it's called) on that machine.

What kind of pass should I get? By the time anybody gives me a response I'll probably have boughten it already.. (is that even a word?) 59.00 for the one that gives me local bus and subway access, or 89 for the one including ferry access and express bus? I calculated it all out - all of my expected transportation costs for every day of August (ahh so OCD) So if I were to take the subway instead of the bus, I'd save about $20... but what about that opportunity cost of "just in case something happens"? Marhhhhh D: D: D:

Oh money... I've started an official tablet fund. Would anybody like to donate? :D

The ceiling fan is squeaking.

God answers prayers. I've seen it over and over again - in little ways, big ways, ways I don't realize until 5 years later - God speaks in so many ways, so many different levels, so many languages. I was talking to Malin the other day, and she told me she didn't know how to pray in English. That's alright though, because God knows every language and more...

It's funny that even though I've seen Him work things through and remain faithful to His word so many times, I still struggle to put my next "big thing" in His hands. Is it because I'm too used to humans who inevitably fail? Is it because my standards are set so low? Because I'm an OCD control freak? Or maybe I have ultra short term memory - once something comes up, all my existing knowledge is wiped out. Kind of like Wolverine! :D

I think the word, or rather, phrase, for it is "lack of faith". Oh me of little faith... I do believe Lord! Just help me not to doubt.

A confession

I'm homesick.

Every time I see a parent with his or her (but especially her) child, I start transforming into a messy.. mess.. inside.

I want to hold my parents' hands again. To hug them whenever I see them, to complain about stupid things like 妈我又需要短裤了, to cook or attempt to make 饺子 or 馄饨 or 八宝饭 with them, to go bargain shopping with my mom, to discuss the latest innovations of technology with my dad, to talk about far away worlds with Lin, to play soccer with Liang. To just see them, go to annoying Chinese potlucks with them, to be able to say good morning and good night, to eat Sunday lunches with them, or have unhealthy desserts after too-filling dinners.

Dahhhhhh

But... this just shows how much more I appreciate them... And how important family is, once again. I find it so heartbreaking when family isn't the safest place to be for someone, when someone dreads going home because they'll have to see their mother or father or sibling - when a mother or father is shunned by their child, or vice versa.

Rain, rain, go away...
But maybe, rather than always hoping for sunshine, I should instead see the beauty of rain.

Hermitlike

So the place I'm living in now has 3 porches - 1 indoor and 2 outdoor. One of the them is right outside my window right now, and it's enticing me to kick out the screen and climb outside... There must be a better way out somehow! Maybe there's a hidden trap door behind one of the bookcases or perhaps some way to crawl up from downstairs (DOWNSTAIRS!) - or maybe that porch is just placed strategically there to taunt those who dwell in the master bedroom.

"Look at me and my nice scenery, and think of how nice it'd be to be out here. But you caaaan't!"

The plastic grids that bar you from your freedom:

Brutally Honest

Sometimes you just need to be brutally honest to yourself - even if it hurts, pokes at your pride, deflates that balloon of yourself you blow up.

So this past weekend - I went through a pretty big wave of ups and downs. Ups - lunches and dinners and movies with friends, meeting up with people I haven't seen in half a year, having really good conversations. Downs - Fiora's heart attack, and, well...

Fiora's situation... it cracked open my insides and poured forth so much about myself that I didn't realize I had - or maybe that I didn't want to admit that I had. I came to understand more my lack of understanding of God, and my lack of faith. Even as I prayed and asked others to pray, I think a part of me thought, "God's already got this in His plans - He's already decided whether she'll live or die. So what good will my prayers have?" No, I didn't directly think those words or thoughts, but I think that was the basis behind my feelings.

I know that God is sovereign, that He knows all but also plans all - that our human actions can't be solely defined as "free will" or "fatalism" or "determinism" - "solo", "go with the flow", and "it's God yo". Hehh - I don't think you can just put it in a box. Maybe you can... and maybe I'll understand this more. But my confusion - it's a sign of lack of understanding. My picture of God is still far from even half complete.

I know He's got it all in His plans, and I feel like when I pray, I am not praying with power... Often times I think of James 5:16 - "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (NIV)" or "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)" So what about me? I am far from righteous. I know that God will still listen to the prayers of the "unrighteous" in that sense. But at the same time, I am made righteous through Christ. So... God will answer my prayer? Or ... I don't know.

I have lack of confidence. In myself, but also in God. I didn't believe, or I told myself "I wasn't sure", whether or not God had Fiora's healing in His plan. Of course I don't know! But what excuse does that give me to not pray? It doesn't. In fact, I think that this showed me how little I understand the depth of God's mercy and love. I don't think I realize how much compassion God has - how He's willing to heal and answer prayers, even from terribly blah people like me.

And so, I don't understand either God's power, His love, or His sovereignty. Or really much else. Maybe I understand or know more than some people, but I don't know if I'll ever feel like it's enough. Actually I don't think it will ever be. Maybe I'm too harsh on myself, but I feel like I have to be. What can ever match up to God's standards? And then it becomes a matter of balancing this, with loving myself too... I don't comprehend it.

Also, I always say I don't have confidence in myself. I said that to Enoch, and now I realize what I was really saying. If I really believe that God is working through me, then that's the same as saying I don't have confidence in God.

I'm so frustrated, discouraged, lost... but I'm so so grateful that God's led me this far too. I need to stop being emo and start looking toward the things of above.

End rant.

On Fire

-Switchfoot-

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

In 3 days I realized these:
Life is fragile - it can end at any moment, in any situation
I am insignificant and incapable - not in control of my surroundings or situations
Friends are essential - they're so so important, not only to support you, but to be supported
and God is all you can hold onto.

Everything else will fall away - whether they be friends, family, ideas, knowledge, yourself... I can't depend on myself, because I know how much I fall short of what I hope to be. I know how weak and undependable I am. I can't depend on others - because though they may seem strong, they are still only human. They will make mistakes, hurt me and others, fail, leave. Ideas come and go, and knowledge can only go so far.

But none of that is to be taken for granted either. And when I look back to what I've been shown, I can't help but kind of gape in awe.

I'm more productive after lunch

Therefore, because it's still before lunch, I am here. O deer.

Nostalgia - thinking about the past makes you feel that way. Or about the idealistic experiences that we've never had.

I'm not so sure whether I like random people reading my thoughts. I do hold that what one thinks one shouldn't be ashamed of - but there is a line. And it's awkward when people are like "hey I read this on your post" and I'm like "....."

Some people look much older than their age, while others look much younger... I've always looked younger than my age, but recently I've been asked if I'm 2 or 3 years older than I am. It's strange - is that because of how I act or because of how I look? Either way, it's totally unexpected - I thought that both would point to younger. Age is just a number I guess.

I miss a lot of things - from my long past, from my recent past, even from yesterday. Nostalgia - it's kind of robbing in a way. There's goodness to it - it's always good to remember the past. But the danger lies in dwelling on what's no longer here. Enjoy it, appreciate it, make use of it, love it, but look to the future and what lies ahead.

A new year, a new start

Actually, every day should be a new start.

This year, I asked for a new set of eyes and a new heart - and I think I'm slowly getting that...

I've been seeing so much more of my own iniquities, my own faults and failures - and it's humbling. It's a bash on my pride, which has been festering from many wounds, but still unwilling to fall.

God answers prayers... that's definitely one thing I've realized more and more this year.

Teatimes

are just wonderful.

I love sitting somewhere sunny in a dress, drinking tea and eating chinese biscuits. Hwahahaha