Winter Teen Conference 2012

[Pulled from 365+Grateful Project 2/20/12]

I hope that this conference was a blessing to the students who went, as well as the counselors and P. Justin too. It was definitely a blessing for me - a humbling, encouraging, and very revealing weekend.

Last year I went to WTC with literally a day's notice - one of the regular counselors had suddenly fallen sick and I went in her place. I think though, perhaps I was more prepared going in last year than this year. This year, I knew I was going to go for at least a month beforehand, yet even the week before, up to the day before I hadn't truly prepared for it... I was distracted, stressed, tired, putting my heart and thoughts more into other things than into a mindful, prayerful preparation of my own heart for the weekend. I prayed for the students and the retreat as a whole, for my girls... but not even half-heartedly. It seemed much more a rote, almost reluctant and forced duty than a genuine and burdened crying out to the Lord.

I arrived to PDAS on Friday with my mental, emotional, and physical baggage in tow. And I was frantic and fearful at this point - what was I going to do? How in the world was I going to do it! What was I thinking, signing up for this retreat? Why was I here??

I told myself fretfully, God can work through all, no matter what they deserve; I comforted myself by saying that it was ok that I didn't prepare myself, God was still gracious. And that He is... but the words that I spoke to myself were only empty shells of comfort attempting to cloak my excuses...

So I went into retreat carrying these feelings of shame, uselessness, disgust with myself, and fear of the inevitable failure I'd face as a small group leader (again, so revealing)... I also carried an enormous desire to do well, hoping to change the girls' lives - these two sides struggled against each other and all through the weekend, on the last day especially, I was convicted of this self-centered, not-at-all-God-honoring, utterly pointless struggling within myself. Jess shared during our morning meeting that she felt convicted of wanting to be the one who makes a difference in the girls' lives; I felt this as well, so so very much. It's really ridiculous how I felt this way especially given the state I was in prior to going, though perhaps that also explains my completely irrational and pompous attitude about it - if I had been more grounded in the Word and led by the Spirit, would I have realized how utterly dependent I ought to be on the Lord?

All throughout the weekend, God spoke to me through His word, P. Justin's messages, my small group's conversations, huddles, conversations with other counselors, times alone with Him... He was gracious to expound to my soul the half-hearted excuse-ridden empty words of comfort that I'd been giving myself earlier - He truly works through all as He wills and to His glory.

On the final day of WTC, one of my girls wrote me a little note of encouragement - I was reminded again of ATD's trip to DC and the hospital rounds we made. Sometimes God allows us to see a little glimpse, always so undeserved, of how He still chooses to work in and through us... I am so thankful for WTC this year, and the tremendous grace that God poured out in my life through it...