Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The ceiling fan is squeaking.

God answers prayers. I've seen it over and over again - in little ways, big ways, ways I don't realize until 5 years later - God speaks in so many ways, so many different levels, so many languages. I was talking to Malin the other day, and she told me she didn't know how to pray in English. That's alright though, because God knows every language and more...

It's funny that even though I've seen Him work things through and remain faithful to His word so many times, I still struggle to put my next "big thing" in His hands. Is it because I'm too used to humans who inevitably fail? Is it because my standards are set so low? Because I'm an OCD control freak? Or maybe I have ultra short term memory - once something comes up, all my existing knowledge is wiped out. Kind of like Wolverine! :D

I think the word, or rather, phrase, for it is "lack of faith". Oh me of little faith... I do believe Lord! Just help me not to doubt.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

A confession

I'm homesick.

Every time I see a parent with his or her (but especially her) child, I start transforming into a messy.. mess.. inside.

I want to hold my parents' hands again. To hug them whenever I see them, to complain about stupid things like 妈我又需要短裤了, to cook or attempt to make 饺子 or 馄饨 or 八宝饭 with them, to go bargain shopping with my mom, to discuss the latest innovations of technology with my dad, to talk about far away worlds with Lin, to play soccer with Liang. To just see them, go to annoying Chinese potlucks with them, to be able to say good morning and good night, to eat Sunday lunches with them, or have unhealthy desserts after too-filling dinners.


But... this just shows how much more I appreciate them... And how important family is, once again. I find it so heartbreaking when family isn't the safest place to be for someone, when someone dreads going home because they'll have to see their mother or father or sibling - when a mother or father is shunned by their child, or vice versa.

Rain, rain, go away...
But maybe, rather than always hoping for sunshine, I should instead see the beauty of rain.


So the place I'm living in now has 3 porches - 1 indoor and 2 outdoor. One of the them is right outside my window right now, and it's enticing me to kick out the screen and climb outside... There must be a better way out somehow! Maybe there's a hidden trap door behind one of the bookcases or perhaps some way to crawl up from downstairs (DOWNSTAIRS!) - or maybe that porch is just placed strategically there to taunt those who dwell in the master bedroom.

"Look at me and my nice scenery, and think of how nice it'd be to be out here. But you caaaan't!"

The plastic grids that bar you from your freedom:

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Brutally Honest

Sometimes you just need to be brutally honest to yourself - even if it hurts, pokes at your pride, deflates that balloon of yourself you blow up.

So this past weekend - I went through a pretty big wave of ups and downs. Ups - lunches and dinners and movies with friends, meeting up with people I haven't seen in half a year, having really good conversations. Downs - Fiora's heart attack, and, well...

Fiora's situation... it cracked open my insides and poured forth so much about myself that I didn't realize I had - or maybe that I didn't want to admit that I had. I came to understand more my lack of understanding of God, and my lack of faith. Even as I prayed and asked others to pray, I think a part of me thought, "God's already got this in His plans - He's already decided whether she'll live or die. So what good will my prayers have?" No, I didn't directly think those words or thoughts, but I think that was the basis behind my feelings.

I know that God is sovereign, that He knows all but also plans all - that our human actions can't be solely defined as "free will" or "fatalism" or "determinism" - "solo", "go with the flow", and "it's God yo". Hehh - I don't think you can just put it in a box. Maybe you can... and maybe I'll understand this more. But my confusion - it's a sign of lack of understanding. My picture of God is still far from even half complete.

I know He's got it all in His plans, and I feel like when I pray, I am not praying with power... Often times I think of James 5:16 - "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (NIV)" or "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)" So what about me? I am far from righteous. I know that God will still listen to the prayers of the "unrighteous" in that sense. But at the same time, I am made righteous through Christ. So... God will answer my prayer? Or ... I don't know.

I have lack of confidence. In myself, but also in God. I didn't believe, or I told myself "I wasn't sure", whether or not God had Fiora's healing in His plan. Of course I don't know! But what excuse does that give me to not pray? It doesn't. In fact, I think that this showed me how little I understand the depth of God's mercy and love. I don't think I realize how much compassion God has - how He's willing to heal and answer prayers, even from terribly blah people like me.

And so, I don't understand either God's power, His love, or His sovereignty. Or really much else. Maybe I understand or know more than some people, but I don't know if I'll ever feel like it's enough. Actually I don't think it will ever be. Maybe I'm too harsh on myself, but I feel like I have to be. What can ever match up to God's standards? And then it becomes a matter of balancing this, with loving myself too... I don't comprehend it.

Also, I always say I don't have confidence in myself. I said that to Enoch, and now I realize what I was really saying. If I really believe that God is working through me, then that's the same as saying I don't have confidence in God.

I'm so frustrated, discouraged, lost... but I'm so so grateful that God's led me this far too. I need to stop being emo and start looking toward the things of above.

End rant.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

On Fire


They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

In 3 days I realized these:
Life is fragile - it can end at any moment, in any situation
I am insignificant and incapable - not in control of my surroundings or situations
Friends are essential - they're so so important, not only to support you, but to be supported
and God is all you can hold onto.

Everything else will fall away - whether they be friends, family, ideas, knowledge, yourself... I can't depend on myself, because I know how much I fall short of what I hope to be. I know how weak and undependable I am. I can't depend on others - because though they may seem strong, they are still only human. They will make mistakes, hurt me and others, fail, leave. Ideas come and go, and knowledge can only go so far.

But none of that is to be taken for granted either. And when I look back to what I've been shown, I can't help but kind of gape in awe.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I'm more productive after lunch

Therefore, because it's still before lunch, I am here. O deer.

Nostalgia - thinking about the past makes you feel that way. Or about the idealistic experiences that we've never had.

I'm not so sure whether I like random people reading my thoughts. I do hold that what one thinks one shouldn't be ashamed of - but there is a line. And it's awkward when people are like "hey I read this on your post" and I'm like "....."

Some people look much older than their age, while others look much younger... I've always looked younger than my age, but recently I've been asked if I'm 2 or 3 years older than I am. It's strange - is that because of how I act or because of how I look? Either way, it's totally unexpected - I thought that both would point to younger. Age is just a number I guess.

I miss a lot of things - from my long past, from my recent past, even from yesterday. Nostalgia - it's kind of robbing in a way. There's goodness to it - it's always good to remember the past. But the danger lies in dwelling on what's no longer here. Enjoy it, appreciate it, make use of it, love it, but look to the future and what lies ahead.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

A new year, a new start

Actually, every day should be a new start.

This year, I asked for a new set of eyes and a new heart - and I think I'm slowly getting that...

I've been seeing so much more of my own iniquities, my own faults and failures - and it's humbling. It's a bash on my pride, which has been festering from many wounds, but still unwilling to fall.

God answers prayers... that's definitely one thing I've realized more and more this year.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


are just wonderful.

I love sitting somewhere sunny in a dress, drinking tea and eating chinese biscuits. Hwahahaha