Monday, December 14, 2009

One More Week

Exactly! Well, less than technically, because my flight is at 8am next Monday.

Time has definitely flown by. Why does time fly anyway? Where does that come from? Why couldn't it have been 'time zaps' or  something, because zapping is surely faster than flying. More stuff to research into while procrastinating! Just kidding, there will be no procrastinating. Other than this.

As a quick update to my last real update (although I am still quite sad that viennetta is no longer produced in the states), Anna and Nia came to visit last weekend! We had fun exploring the whole of London and throwing things on the ground and eating everywhere. Everywhere. Pictures will hopefully be uploaded after this week.

I just finished one final! Yaaay!!!! 2 more to go, to be completed by Wednesday.. and 2 more essays, one more pset. Baahh craziness! But not unwarranted, since I've really brought them upon myself (the papers anyway)

There's a lot that I would have still liked to do - to go to these places, see those sites, try this out and that out, etc etc.. granted, I haven't left just yet, but I don't foresee myself completing that list of wish-I-could-do's in the next week. All said, I don't think that those will be regrets, just a faint kind of 'oh, that would have been nice'. We shall see...

My brother sent me a flat Gabriel and I'll be making some last tourist rounds with him - a small taste of home as I look forward to going! Can't wait lah!!! XD To see family again, friends from home, and also for wonderful home cooking :)

All that stands in my way are those darned papers really... and packing, of course. I actually find packing fun, and slightly stress relieving. Just slightly, because as much as it's an intensive cleaning and organizing ritual, it's also generally combined with the travel, and all the fun and hectiness that entails. 

Wow, the entire lab room just burst into spontaneous laughter. I feel so left out :( I believe they're all laughing at some machine vision inside joke. That's why it's so full in here..

ALMOST THERE!!!1!!1!11!1!!11one

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Why don't they make these in the states anymore? That is such a shame. SUCH A SHAME.

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Why would you not sell this? It was one of their best. I remember eating it with my family when I was <10, and then one day, they were no more. Sad sad sad.

It's too late to be eating anything really, but I'm arbitrarily declaring that it's never too late for a slice of Viennetta. Indeed, one slice is not enough.

If only each slice were equal to a page of completed essay... mmmmmm

Friday, November 27, 2009


Ahh, the blessings of family :) I'm thankful for many many things this weekend, and that is one of the highest ones... A happy late Thanksgiving to everyone!!! Although each day is a day of thanks :)

I haven't updated in a suuuper long time - doh! Nuts. Mmmmm I had a really good hazelnut and peanut donut the other day from Tesco :) but really, so sorry to those who have been expecting to hear more from here! D: I cannot make up for it, but will try my best to post more!

As an attempt at a thoroughish update... pictures are now being posted to Picasa from my trip to Europe! Europe mainland, I mean. There's so much to write about that, haha, but those pictures will have to do for now... Schoolwork has definitely picked up a lot, and I've been madly reading and writing and coding and trying to read and write and, well, not really speak, Hebrew. Academic life at UCL is more challenging than academic life at Wellesley - I forget if I've already written about that - it's a lot less guided learning and a lot more "hey welcome to _____ your exam/essay is in 2.5 months have fun good luck" kind of thing, with sporadic assignments (courseworks) spattered between. I quite like that :) Although I do prefer Wellesley's taking care of us much more... Also, there's no good study space here. It's all so crowded wherever I go... I need better places to look maybe, or better times to try :/ I went to retreat this past weekend with the small group fellowship that I've settled with - ahhh it was a wonderful time :) I am reminded again and again of God's faithfulness in everything man, everything, and of His totally awe-some-ness that I dunno how to put into words - His love, His mercy, His wisdom, His sovereignty, His above-all of above-all... WOW it's flooring. Is that a word? He really puts "awe-filled" and "awesome" to a new level, or probably more so, to the one it belongs in.

In other news, our little Wellesley contingent and my flatmates are having a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow! It's going to be a crazy fest with a mix of Asian and American and Britishish food, SO PUMPED YAAAAAY!!!! *dances around in flippy floppys!* I just put the bird into the fridge for an overnight brining :) Side note, the bird is chicken and not turkey... the turkeys were all too big to fit into our fridge. HAH! This will be my first ever attempt at roasting a whole chicken! We'll see how that goes tomorrow. I'm slightly afraid that it will blow up. Or shrivel up. Or burn up. Or something to those effects. What a great opportunity though... Thanksgiving! :) Also, I'm slowly picking up a Singaporean accent.. Just now walking back from small group I caught myself talking with the intonations that they speak with, and even after retreat I really had to try hard and stop myself from being a poser and blurting out 'lah's and 'meh's and 'loh's and etc in my sentences..

Mmm one more story of typical Lulu to end this post with (wow what bad English!! One would think that living in England would not result in this). Earlier today I was running from the kitchen (no, nothing blew up) but I rounded a corner too soon and ran into it. And subsequently fell into a heap. And of course, had a great laugh about it. With tears though, of remorse and of hunger (good thing there were snacks at OCF, and Sam's delicious blueberry crumb bars AHHH I ate too many for my own good). I was actually quite amazed at how much running into an inanimate object could hurt! Because it's definitely not the first time that's happened... I would say though that it was a pretty good example of poor proprioception, as in my rush to get to the front door I somehow forgot that my body was a bit wider than just my eye-span. So the moral of this story is to manage one's time better so that one does not rush to leave. Also, wear shoulder pads. You never know when they'll come in handy...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Long legs are good for walking.

Have not posted in a while...

Things have been busy over yonder - psets add up and I can't pretend like I have nothing to do anymore :P I'm witnessing the effects of burial by work right now... And indeed, struggling to self-learn Matlab, still! Academically, I can't say UCL is overwhelmingly harder than Wellesley (minus Matlab) - in fact I really enjoy learning here (even Matlab)! I can't say these are classes I wouldn't be able to find at home either, but the experience itself is different... it definitely takes much more independence. No more hand holding or spoon feeding, not that Wellesley did that either... just comparatively, it feels like it. Also, there's no good place to study! Every study space here is CRAMPED. Unless you come at the absurd hours of the morning or evening... Or maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

I've finally settled on a church too - HTB, megachurch of megachurches (ok maybe not that mega). I'm going to a small group slightly related to UCL too, and have finally felt at peace about settling at these places... PTL :) It's comforting to know that there is indeed family everywhere. That said, I miss the family and fellowship back at Minn and Wells sorely... actually sorely. Yesterday I had a bout of extreme homesickness - even knowing full well that people are busy, even knowing exactly what they may be busy with, doesn't quite cover the ache of wanting to see or hear or even read something from them again. Definitely not taking that for granted...

Last Saturday we went to see the Big Ben again - pictures will be up soon! I still can't believe I'm in London. Is that strange?

Ok, will update post later - now for more MATLAB! YEahh!



So I was thinking today - long legs are so useful for walking! Well, speed walking in particular. Short legs are very useful for walking too (as are feet - can't forget those) But I digress! For a short legged person to walk the same distance as a long legged person, he or she would have to either take very long strides or scuttle madly, or perhaps both. But when both do happen in conjunction, it just looks kind of dumb. Long legged people just look better doing so (except when they also overstep their... steps) Yes, way to state the obvious Lulu.

Good night,
from London :)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

One monthish anniversary

It's now been over a month since I've been in London! Which made me wonder, what exactly does "anniversary" mean? Doesn't the word have the root for "year"? Which is strange then, because why do we have "month anniversaries" and so on? Shouldn't it be like... mensisary... or something like that. I don't know Latin. :/ But I am learning Hebrew! Now the one word most on my mind is dagesh. Really, for some reason I just keep saying it in my head - like its a dageshary.

Mmm... waking up in London every morning - I don't see the Monument outside my window, or hear the Big Ben chiming every hour, but wow the feeling is quite amazing. This is actually the view from outside my window ~

That big building on the left is an office - every night there are people working on computers there... kind of bothersome because I like leaving the window curtains open usually :/

Yesterday I went to the Royal Ballet showing of Sleeping Beauty ~ ahhh it was so fantastic! Even though we had a terrible view (i.e. no view) from our standing seats and I had a huge coughing fit towards the end :P The security guard man (like police officer man) was nice enough to let us take over some other seats (well, he tried but then the real seat holders arrived) and we ended up standing a bit higher and got a great panoramic view ~ God provides! :D

Anyway, seeing it reminded me of how much I love dance... I can't say I remember much of dancing itself - who will after 10 years - but returning to it 2 years ago at Wellesley, I was reminded again of its finesse, its difficulty, and once again appreciated a dancer's extreme discipline, grace, and strength that flourish into the ethereal beauty that you see on stage. True performance is when one forgets oneself in the act - when one pours out everything, all energy and fervor, to recreate and share with those watching the beauty that one feels in one's heart. Maybe those of you who've also performed can feel a slight murmur of agreement on this, whether it was dance, or music, or sport, or whatever else. But performance isn't the only word... performance is just another extension of Expression - expression of self, of story, of means of expression, and so on.

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Beauty... I was wondering to myself some other day - do we deem something beautiful because it brings us joy, or is it because it is beautiful that it brings us joy? Do we define beauty, or does Beauty define us? Maybe in this world, we do hold the labeler, but is it not the Author of beauty who "labels" us first and allows us to see that there is more? Because where does our sense of beauty come from anyway?

I read the most beautiful chapter in If yesterday... I wish I could write it all out here for you all to read too, but I don't want to break any copyright issues (not even Google Books has any previews on it, and even Amazon has only the first introduction page available) and because of that, EVERYONE SHOULD GO BUY IT! :D And read it for yourself :) Highly highly recommended. For those who have it, it was chapter 2 ~ every word jabbed at me, and by no coincidence, I had been thinking of those exact things, to the phrase, just moments earlier. And no, I don't think it's because I somehow remembered reading it months before...

More importantly, I highly highly x infinity recommend reading this ~ it's got much better stuff. :) In all my foolishness and impatience and distrust, how I despised wisdom and sought after the temperamental and chased after other lovers - there is a Lover who takes me back with such love and grace... there is a Faithful Father, who runs after me who knows how many times, and embraces this too-often astray daughter of His... That is Beauty.

Ok, I am off to make chicken now. Chicken is so wonderful - so versatile! Maybe because it's so bland. But that's what makes it so great! There's probably much to be learned from that. Hahah ~ ahhh I love cooking... And little by little, I'm sure (hoping) it does get better and it's not just me getting more used to it.

Autumn <3

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Lulu in London

It's officially been 3 weeks and 3 days since I've been in London - sorry, I really meant to post something earlier, but soon got overswept with stuff, stuff, and more stuff ~

What have I been up to in these 3+ weeks? Well, I've gotten settled in, met new and old friends, explored perhaps the entirety of London on foot, had classes (which I love!) and quite a few homeworks (which I don't love...), visited various museums and took a day trip to Cambridge as well, learned a few new recipes and tried my hand at improvisatory cooking, and have just contracted something uncomfortably similar to H1N1 - yea! :| To see a pictoral summary of my happenings, look on my Picasa, because Facebook doesn't allow me to upload pictures. To my faint surprise, I haven't experienced too much culture shock, at least how I expected. In some ways, London is kind of like a really huge Boston that's been steeped with culture for so many more centuries. It's new (and very old) and exciting, yet strangely nostalgic.

Now that it has been 3+ weeks, perhaps it's a good time to reflect on all that's happened, all my lessons learned and then some. I've definitely learned more about my nasty insides and all the yuck that goes along with it, but have also learned more about His overwhelming grace and all that comes with that... It's quite amazing how He speaks, and how such gentle words can bring me to my knees... There's been a lot of learning about my own thoughts and habits, the endless ways I am lacking and the infinitely more ways that He is my all in all.

At OCF last week, the speaker asked us write out our expectations for this fall in London - honestly, I came here not knowing whether I should even be here or not, but now, though I can't say with certainty exactly why I'm here, I can say with certainty that I've been placed here for a reason.

I do plan to post more! And more regularly too ~ hopefully :) I leave you with these pictures ~

Friday, September 18, 2009


Verses are put into one's  heads and hearts for a reason I think.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7:7-12

This reminds me of what someone once said (I forgot who this was, or where I heard it from - anybody know?) about a father who hid away a shiny red bike for his son in their garage, and then set about to convince his son that he wanted a shiny red bike for his birthday. The son is eventually set in his mind that he does in fact want a shiny red bike, and lo and behold, the father produces it from their garage for the momentous occasion. A short and simple story, but the point of it was that God has prepared good gifts for His children, and He wants His children to want it as much as He wants to give it to them. When they do desire it, He is more than happy to give it to them. He won't substitute that with a cheap imitation, or a stone or a snake.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
James 1:16-18

God will not fool you. He knows better than we do, and what we cannot see or feel or reason in ourselves is not a sign that it cannot be possible, but rather a reason all the more for us to trust wholly in Him... Perfect love drives out fear. Fear of failure and rejection - of the unknown, the unsure, the unstable.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. - 1 Corinthians 13:7

He who gave us such a capacity to love must have so much more capacity to love. And He who has so much capacity to love that He is love chooses to shower His love upon us ~ what reason do we have to worry? What reason do we have to fear?

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Sigh [of relief]

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness [your reasonableness, moderation, considerateness] be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything excellent or praiseworthy [things of virtue, whatever is commendable] - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:4-9

Monday, September 14, 2009

Label Request - A Desire Unspoken [a summary of summer, a preparation for fall - i.e. a very long post]

You know how Google automatically lists a bunch of search options for you when you start typing? And how sometimes when you start typing in a text field somewhere else there will be an automatic list too? Somehow, "Label Request" is on my title's list. I think that it came from Magic Hour - a title of a page at one point was Label Request.

I spent last last Friday with Cattoma and Keima for Keima's birthday :) We started off taking pictures at Cat's place, and then we went to a pizza place (Italian Pie?), Cafe Latte, and then Quince (which is filled with lots of expensive trinkets and vintage-ish clothing) -- it was so much fun! I miss my skipos... I also went camping last weekend for the 4th and last time this year - it was really warm! Except at night when my mattress deflated.

There is a sense of beauty when you see a score of Chinese parents gathered around a campfire (started with the luxury of lighting fluid and coals, rather than with desperately scrounged for wet tinder and painstakingly handmade sawdust) and singing praise songs together... A glimpse of an ethereal beauty when I see myself with my sisters (babies/ma's/spouzy) laughing together, pigging out together, paparazzi-ing together, simply enjoying the warmth of each other's presence. This beauty I have tried to write of many times before - this sense of what I've called "nostalgia", a sweet bitterness that cannot be properly contained in the meager words I've produced. But it is so beautifully descibed by C.S. Lewis in "The Weight of Glory" ~
"In speaking of this desire for our own far-off country, which we find in ourselves even now, I feel a certain shyness. I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence; the secret also which pierces with such sweetness that when, in very intimate conversation, the mention of it becomes imminent, we grow awkward and affect to laugh at ourselves; the secret we cannot hide and cannot tell, though we desire to do both. We cannot tell it because it is a desire for something that has never actually appeared in our experience. We cannot hide it because our experience is constantly suggesting it, and we betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name. Our commonest expedient is to call it beauty and behave as if that had settled the matter. ... The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust in them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited. ...

...We usually notice it just as the moment of vision dies away, as the music ends, or as the landscape loses the celestial light. What we feel then has been well described by Keats as 'the journey homeward to habitual self.' You know what I mean. For a few moments we have had the illusion of belonging to the world. Now we wake to find that it is no such thing. We have been mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us; her face was turned in our direction, but not to see us. We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken into the dance. We may go when we please, we may stay if we can: "Nobody marks us." ...

...Ah, but we want so much more - something the books on aesthetics take little notice of. But the poets and the mythologies know all about it. We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words - to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it. That is why we have peopled air and earth and water with gods and goddesses and nymphs and elves - that, though we cannot, yet these projections can enjoy in themselves that beauty, grace, and power of which Nature is the image. ..."
So that is the description of the ever present yet ever elusive beauty that we seek - that we search desperately for but cannot be a part of. Yet Lewis also writes this:
"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday by the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

We must not be troubled by unbelievers when they say that this promise of reward makes the Christian life a mercenary affair. There are different kinds of rewards. There is the reward which has no natural connection with the things you do to earn it and is quite foreign to the desires that ought to accompany those things. Money is not the natural reward of love; that is why we call a man mercenary if he marries a woman for the sake of her money. But marriage is the proper reward for a real lover, and he is not mercenary for desiring it. ...

[In the same way] those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship. ...

...The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret. And surely, from this point of view, the promise of glory, in the sense described, becomes highly relevant to our deep desire. For glory means good report with God, acceptance by God, response, acknowledgment, and welcome into the heart of things. The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last."
How many of us are desperately crying out in the deepest crevices of our beings for a Label? Yet we obstinately refuse the ones we deem to be "slapped on us by society", and wildly squander away our life strength trying instead to don the ones which we have set upon our golden pedestals, hoping that our last breathes will be ample glue to cling it to us forever. A desire unspoken and unfulfillable, yet painfully clear in the way we live our lives.

How far is Heaven? The beauties that we see now with our dimmed eyes are only blurred and faded reflections of the Beauty that awaits us - in the glory of Him all other things will fade... Then we shall see the true Narnia, of which our previous Narnia was only a hazy vision. Indeed, better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere. I can only imagine what it will be like...

This post concludes the summer of 2009, first in Virginia in the company of my wonderful fellow computer science nerds, and then at home in the company of my beloved family, both biological and not. I witnessed my own weakness and patheticness as I tumbled from a haven of spiritual comfort in Boston - where I was surrounded by sisters and brothers in ATD, TWIGS, BCEC - into a pool of complacency in beautiful Virginia. It gradually became a pool of self pity, then one of choking self loathing and disgust, and ultimately would have drowned me in its seemingly sourceless hopelessness if my Lord had not pulled me from the depths of its waters. Oh the richness and joy of being held in His arms, and oh the sweetness of Christian fellowship, how it fills and nourishes one's heart through it's channeling of God's love, and oh how I had taken it for granted until I realized that I had lost it...

These moments at home - filled also with dearly cherished memories - they've brought me to see how much I love and treasure my family - in a sense, God's first gift after we enter the world... My sister is now a teenager (and sharing my room) and my brother is 7, the age I was when my sister was born. He's no longer the little toddler I had seen in my mind, and she is no longer the 7-year old that I had always thought her to be... While I struggled with figuring out how to treat them properly, how to best show them love and be an example to them, I also struggled (and still do) with the wrenching realization that they are growing up. I will not be able to witness it all, but they will continue to grow taller, older, wiser, more mature as God has planned for them, as I too will grow as God has planned for me. I may not be able to see my sister much in her high school years, to share fully in her pains and joys, nor see my brother enter his years of middle school and reach adolescence. One day, he will be taller than me just as my sister shot above me, and she will blossom into a woman before I know it. Will I know their likes and dislikes as I do now? Will they still turn to me as they do now? I wonder if that's how a parent feels - though with infinitely more I'm sure. And as for my parents - I realize more and more that age spares no one. They are no longer as supple or energetic as they once were, the contrast made even more stark in the presence of the younger families in our fellowship. Youth visits each of us for a short while before it flits away and leaves an older, more weary body. This same body holds within it so much more wisdom though, and a grace that cannot be replicated even in the bodies of the most elegant dancers. In many ways, I feel as if I have failed my family - in my not quite met goals to mentor my siblings, to help and encourage my parents, to be not the perfect daughter but to be an expression of love to them, as they have shown me love, and more so as God has shown me love. How can I serve and love them enough? Yet I know too, the Accuser stops at nothing - I am thankful for the time I've had and indeed look forward to when I can come back to them.

And so, I am heading to London next Monday. Thus far, I have written up a packing list (far from comprehensive) and started assembling the various this-and-thats that I must bring. Still cleaning through my room which is still cluttered with all the things that I still have (even after many rounds of heartless throwing away). I am such a packrat. I must say that I am anxious, even afraid of what's to come... I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally unprepared... True, there is much excitement in going to this new place, and a wondrous expectation for the adventures that I'm sure lie ahead. Yet there is so much uncertainty, so much insecurity and unwarranted fear of a something that I don't even know how to pinpoint. At these times, I question whether it was even a good decision to make. Perhaps not - perhaps it was based too much on my rash yearning for adventure, on my hunger of hoarding opportunities, the packrat that I am... My heart is no longer at peace within me and I don't know what to do about it. It seems too late to back out now - school has already started in Boston and how would I be able to to withdraw my tickets, my housing, my tuition, and restart all my plans back at Wellesley within proper timing? This is like getting cold feet but not really.

God shows Himself in little ways though... For shame, I admit that I refused to clean up the cluttered paper bags of stuff on the floor until our dresser and the missing piece of our new bookshelf was delivered so that I could put the clothes currently on the half assembled bookshelf into the dresser and thus clear out the space on the bookshelf to place actual book-shelf items. *breathe in deeply* Last Friday I checked the progress of our bookshelf as it was to arrive earlier (it went from Canada to 4 places in New York before reaching the midwest) and it was literally 5 miles away! But unfortunately, in some mailing facility that we had no access to. I was impatient. And our dresser was not supposed to arrive until sometime between this upcoming weekend and 2 weeks later. I therefore anticipated subjecting my poor family to deal with a messy upstairs until sometime in early October. Lo and behold my surprise when earlier today, both bookshelf and dresser arrived... Not only that, but a few days earlier, we saw that our little apple tree blossomed again - an autumn flower garden! The one lonely apple that hung on its branch is now joined with 9 more baby siblings. Perhaps they will not survive the winter frost, but then, what kind of tree will flower in September? Surprising, and yes, convicting of my utter lack of trust. Does not God provide? If He can bring a dresser and bookshelf to one of His children's homes, can He not bring me safely from Minnesota to London? If He cares to take care of an apple tree, or the eggplants and tomatoes in our garden, if He can guard the vulnerable snow pea from a garden slug, cause plants to bear fruit and seasons to change, if He can hold a broken heart and make it whole, and cause a dry and poisoned pool to become a stream flowing with living, loving water, can I not trust and love Him?

Yesterday, Pastor Mike spoke about what he learned while he was on his sabbatical - about God's amazing and transforming love. Amidst the other words of wisdom that he shared with us, there was a particular quote from Hannah Hurnard in her earlier days (Hinds Feet in High Places) about how the waterfall was a representation of true love - in the way that it is humble and always seeks to go to the lowest position; in the way that it gives without holding back, because the more it gives, the more it fulfills itself; in the way that it serves the entire valley by giving up itself; in the way that it rejoices while doing so, fearlessly expressing pure and blissful joy as each spray of water soars toward the jagged rocks below. How can one love in such a way? Who will look out for you when you give yourself up with such fervor, and according to some, such recklessness? Who else but the one who demonstrated His love in this way and so many more?

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me — a prayer to the God of my life. Perfect love drives out fear.

Here's to a new year ahead.

Friday, August 14, 2009


Well, maybe not completely... but yes :(

that was my idea :( kind of ish

I feel betrayed. Although, ok, mine was different.. but I suppose that all in all, the need for handless umbrellas has indeed been met. Otherwise called a raincoat or poncho. So I will rest in peace.

Camping trip 2 this weekend! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Fireworks and hot dogs

It's July 4th! Just another day in the history books of most every other country - another day in the span of time that we won't really ever understand. Excuse my mind as it runs away in a blur of streams of consciousness kindofbutnotreally

It's interesting how we celebrate this day here - one day in a year to commemorate the freedom that we have - just as we have one day a year to remember our veterans, presidents, etc etc etc... I guess the next step was to have months of remembrance right? So are there years of remembrance? How about decades? Centuries? Nahh, too much for people to take on. Our minds can only handle so much, and there are better things to do each day than to remember fill-in-the-blank-here all the time. This way we can be more efficient! Make better use of our busy lives. Now, spending each day as a remembrance to something - that would be a sight wouldn't it? Picture fireworks everyday :)

We have freedom from something greater - it's freedom from the inside out, from the confines of a soul tacked down by chains of eternity, that which we cannot see or feel, but can see and feel down to the depths of what we call our hearts. Shackles off my feet so I can dance - like King David to the hatred of his wife - just wanna praise you, unfettered and freed.

Happy Independence Day

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Craving Dumplings

And wonton - ahhhhh so good D:

It's so nice outside. I want to be done with all that I need to do... and not worry. Period.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Some words from Scott Kim

[A designer and computer scientist - one who revels in the art of Human Computer Interaction]
"When a discipline becomes a way of life, priorities become invisible."
Priorities become invisible - because the habits that these disciplines create seem invisible... we no longer recognize that we do something the way we do it, because we are so used to it. Wouldn't it be awesome if our spiritual disciplines were such habits? Not that we lose track of our priorities, or blindly run through actions throughout our days... but that we'd be able to follow God's teachings without questioning, without even encountering that debate that happens in our minds (or doesn't happen) hmm...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

It's humbling

to reread my thoughts from the days past... some of them I wish I could let the world know more - I wish that everyone could also experience the great love of God like He allowed me to in those moments... some I know are not meant to be shared with the whole world in that extent, hahaha, that they are God's gifts, of personal, intimate, sometimes hard and sometimes softly spoken words of love... Never has love been so piercing and so burning - painful, yet healing... It's like medicine, but totally not. Or shall I say, medicine is like that, but totally not.

A momentary pause

In the midst of a day/weekend of studying...

To look upon God's mercy. How can it be? That you my Savior would die for me? For me and my grossnesses. And these stains set so deeply within me, that I can only rightfully expect to be burned along with them and the chains that have sunken in my heart... Nothing can pull apart these cords of death and free me from my tangled snares except His blood. And isn't it so ironic, that blood, which stains heavily and irreversibly, is the only thing that can wash these other stains away? And isn't it strange that this plan set forth so so so long ago, was that the King should die for the salvation of His subjects, who continuously turn away and join His enemy's plans to destroy Him? That we who choose to betray Him are drawn ever closer to His heart... That He appointed these to be by Him forevermore?

It's not just ironic and strange. It's entirely unfair - a total turning of justice, a preposterous mystery that defies what we know to be natural and logical. Sigh..

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

my Savior, my God

i am not skilled to understand
what God has willed, what God has planned
i only know at His right hand
stands One who is my Savior

i take Him at His word indeed
"Christ died for sinners" this I read
for in my heart i find the need
of Him to be my Savior

that He would leave His place on high
and come for sinful man to die
you count it strange? so once did i
before i knew my Savior

my Savior lives, my Savior loves
my Savior's always there for me
my God, He is - my God, He was,
my God, He's always gonna be

yes, living, dying, let me bring
my strength, my solace from this spring
that He who lives to be my King
once died to be my Savior

that He would leave His place on high
and come for sinful man to die
you count it strange? so once did i
before i knew my Savior

my Savior lives, my Savior loves
my Savior's always there for me
my God, He is - my God, He was,
my God, He's always gonna be

- Aaron Shust

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


A spider just crawled on my face. I brushed it off thinking it was just a hair or something... and then I looked on my sleeve and there it was. WAH

In other news though, I think I am becoming narcoleptic. Is that possible? I fall asleep in random times and places and can't seem to stop it. And now I'm paranoid of spiders. *blubberblubberblubber

Friday, May 1, 2009

"If I put my own happiness before the well-being of the work entrusted to me; if, though I have this ministry and have received much mercy, I faint, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p29

"If I cannot rest under the Unexplained, forgetting the word, "And blessed is he whosoever shall not be offended in Me"; or if I can allow the least shadow of a misunderstanding, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p33

"If I am inconsiderate about the comfort of others, or their feelings, or even of their little weaknesses; if I am careless about their little hurts and miss opportunities to smooth their way; if I make the sweet running of household wheels more difficult to accomplish, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p40

"If I slip into a place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p47

"If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love." p49

"If I ask to be delivered from trial rather than for deliverance out of it, to the praise of His glory; if I forget that the way of the cross leads to the cross and not to a bank of flowers; if I regulate my life on these lines, or even unconsciously my thinking, so that I am surprised when the way is rough and think it strange, though the word is 'Think it not strange,' 'Count it all as joy,' then I know nothing of Calvary love." p52

"If my attitude be one of fear, not faith... if I forget the poignant word 'Let love be without dissimulation'... then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Perfect love drives out fear.

"I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" - Psalm 27:13

The aspect of God that most Christians struggle with is not His omnipotence or omniscience, but it is His omnibenevolence... Is God truly Good?


Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I have such a big pimple on my face that it hurts when I blink.

And I am unable to focus on schoolwork. Bahhhh school! Maybe I should just never have a weekend again. Maybe then my brain won't shut off as often. =___=

Friday, April 17, 2009

Some songs in my head

杀破狼 | js









Yellow | Coldplay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

Come Home Running | Chris Tomlin

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, daughter and son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Beautiful Redemption | Joy Williams

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to decieve
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
and my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)

You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Heal the Wound | Point of Grace

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

[begin stream of conscious]

I've been hungry, in many ways - hahahha. In the literal sense, it's because I have bad time management and have been either doing work or sleeping during meal times... but God provides! In all ways.

I need to do laundry this weekend.. It's been too long! Ahh! D:

It's going to be 70ish today! :) Beautifullll ~~~

I'm feeling kind of like acrylic paint. A yellow and green acrylic paint. Lumpy and inconsistent - colors that don't blend together but leave streaks wherever it goes - with a layer of film on it where there should be none... It doesn't mix properly, doesn't paint smoothly, doesn't smell good, doesn't look so hot. Maybe it can be used to paint in the grass on the side of the hill, the one that doesn't see much sun or get too much water...

and all because the paint is too dry

Acrylics. They don't keep very well.. It's not like watercolor or gouache, where you can store them somewhere for a long time and even if they become dry, you can just add a bit of water and then it'll be ok. Acrylics can only last if you've got a big glop of it, so that even when the film forms, if you break through that film and mix it with water again, it can be restored. But this is possible only when there's a big glop - too little, and no amount of mixing or wetting or pleading will bring it back... All you've got is a slab of plastic-like color at this moment... hat maybe you can glue somewhere.

Of the water based paints (for artistic purposes, not so much homemaking), acrylic is the most vibrant. Gouache has a flat, grainy quality, and watercolor (which is my personal favorite btw) is delicate, though it can, under some circumstances and applications, be wonderfully bright and oomph-ish too. Tempera used to be based in egg whites (am I wrong? I forget) and so the quality is thinner (at least... a different flavor. hehhh literally too), even if it's equally or even more bright than acrylic. Acrylic is also then the most difficult to take care of - you have to keep it constantly well-watered, or it can easily dry itself up.

If we are to be paints, it'd be best if we were watercolors huh... Ideally then, we'd be transparent all the time, well-watered and easily replenished. We'd be beautifully bright and versatile, wonderfully functional, and we'd look awesome too. Too bad we're not really - our lives may be painted in watercolor, but we ourselves are not so... We are acrylics - who need to be consistently kept in proper conditions, who cannot be so easily replenished on our own - we need the Artist to keep us alive, because without Him we die utterly and completely.

I'm thirsty. I'm going to eat my Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli now. In its BIG SIZE BOWL.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Proprioception [a study break]

From Wiki (because Wiki is always right):

Proprioception (pronounced /ˌproʊpriːəˈsɛpʃən/ PRO-pree-o-SEP-shun); from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own" and perception) is the sense of the relative position of neighbouring parts of the body. Unlike the six exteroceptive senses (sighttastesmelltouchhearing, and balance) by which we perceive the outside world, and interoceptive senses, by which we perceive the pain and the stretching of internal organs, proprioception is a third distinct sensory modality that provides feedback solely on the status of the body internally. It is the sense that indicates whether the body is moving with required effort, as well as where the various parts of the body are located in relation to each other.
public class Proprioception
     //I have a very bad sense of self. Let me enumerate.
     enum ProprioceptionFail {Trip, Bump, Miss};
JK D: Actually not. Because this is a study break from CS, I may as well continue it. 

Example 1: Tripping on nothing
Scenario: I am walking along a flat, level surface, when I will suddenly trip over nothing.
Explanation: Because I am not quite aware of my own footing, I will place one foot in front of the other when the other has not yet properly made room for the one. Thus, there is an unfortunate series of events which may lead to a fall, or if lucky, an awkward stumble. 

Example 2: Bumping into various objects
Scenario: Upon leaning down to sit on the chair, I hit my head on the shelf of one of the cubicles in Wellesley's Science Center.
Explanation: I do not know where my head is, or am not aware/forget that it extends beyond the reaches of my eyes. 

Commonly Misinterpreted Scenario 1: I am leaning against a wall, and look up when someone calls my name. At that moment, I hit my head on the wall-lamp behind me.
Explanation: This is not an example of poor proprioception. Rather, this is an example of poor recognition and awareness of one's surroundings. I.E. the wall-lamp is not an extension of one's body.

Commonly Misinterpreted Scenario 2: I am attempting to pass through a narrow opening. My packages (backpacks, purses, luggage, etc) are larger than this narrow opening, and I thus am jolted back after a portion of my body enters. 
Explanation: Again, this is not an example of poor proprioception. Instead, it is an example of poor recall of the size of one's belongings. Take note.

Example 3: Missing my mouth with the eating utensil
Scenario: I am sitting at the dining hall, and when I bring the spoon/fork to my mouth, I miss. This typically results in a smeared nose or cheek or other part of my face.
Explanation: Sadly, this poor proprioception often is accompanied by a vast hunger for physical food, but in the rush of trying to feed myself, I will forget where my mouth is located/how to get there with arm and hand(mmer).

All in all, poor proprioception is quite common in most everyone's lives. Some people just experience it more than others. Typically, this accompanies a lack of sleep and/or intoxication. Interesting that those two are neurologically equal. 

Thus, the moral that we must clearly take from this small lesson is to SLEEP often and well. That way, we can all eat/walk/live happily.

String Cheese

What makes string cheese good? Or, what makes one variety of string cheese better than another? True, that's all relative... but it's relative because (mostly because) people have different definitions of what makes that string cheese good, and then also because people have different perceptions of just how a given string cheese fits even same criteria of goodness.

So then, back to question one. What makes string cheese good string cheese? Well, I'm going to say that string cheese is good when it is both stringy and cheesey. What makes it stringy? Let's look at some pictoral examples...

This is a string.

So are these.

This is a string. Or maybe it's multiple strings.

Whatever this is.. it's pretty stringy.

And um.. I don't know what this is, but possessed kitty comes up when you google-image "stringy string"


This is cheese. 

As is this..


All these:

And this as well.

(I believe have one of these. Oh the advantages of being Wisconsin's neighbor...)

That little girl looks awfully like whats-her-name from Spiderman.

Ok, so what's stringy cheese?




And there are so many different kinds!!!

and even cheddar/mozzarella kinds!


All my thoughts have disappeared. Partially b/c of the time, and partially b/c I'm now hungry. Hahaha ---- I just want some string cheese D:

I had one just now. Mmmm delicious. Why did I brush my teeth already? Oh deer.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Take a look at your life. Look at what has been provided, look at what has been revealed, look at what has been taken away, look at how much God has changed you by showing you more of Himself.

Look at this series of major life changes that have been uncovered, that are being pulled through, that are coming up ahead. There are many MLC's! And God's working in you through them all.

Words could not express

I grew up in Sunday School - I memorized the Golden Rule, and how Jesus came to set the sinner free. I knew the story inside out - I could tell you all about the path that led Him up to Calvary...

But ask me why He loves me, and I don't know what to say.. But I'll never be the same because He changed my life when He became everything to me.

He's more than a story, more than words on a page of history. He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, He's the ground beneath my feet - He's everything to me...

We're living in uncertain times, and more and more I find that I'm aware of just how fragile life can be...

I want to tell the world I found a love that turned my life around - they need to know that they can taste and see!

Now everyday I'm praying just to give my heart away... and I want to live for Jesus so that someone else might see that He is everything to me!

He's more than a story, more than words on a page of history. He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, He's the ground beneath my feet, He's everything -

And looking back over my life at the end, I'll go to meet You, saying You've been... You're everything to me... You're more than a story, more than words on a page of history. You're everything to me, you're more than a story, more than words on a page of history. You're the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, You're the ground beneath my feet, You're everything to me.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


Hallelujah, your love makes me sing!

May you be filled each minute with HIM.

No matter how small we are, and we truly are so so small in view of God, yet in view of His loving mercy too, we are great...

Today is such a beautiful day... :) No rain at all, just sunshine on a non-cloudy day <3

I am also very hungry. And I broke my umbrella! Or rather, my umbrella broke, and it may or may not have been my doing... The hinge that connected two of the joints fell off... so I reconnected it with a paper clip. Yeaaaa ghetto problem solving!!!! :)

Sing sing sing! ATD has pushed me more than I thought I could be pushed... Ahhh God is good! <3

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And also

Wow, the feeling of looking back and forth at the me and the you's and the them's of the past, be that yesterday or 10 years ago... It's like flying.

Kind of like the thing we did at ST... There's such a sense of freedom - I don't know if I could describe "soaring" in any better way. All that's on our side is to trust and obey... haha "all that's on our side", as if it's simple. But then, it is in some ways isn't it?

Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

--- Isaiah 40:28-31

What does it mean to soar on wings like eagles? Once in a while, through His grace, we are allowed a small glimpse..

A [Mathematical] Equation

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Grossness continued

Maybe it's because we're really really really just that gross inside. Maybe it's because we were born and tied and bound to this sinful nature that will not leave us no matter how much we scrub... maybe it's because that's how we were destined to be in the first place, because of the first sin of man so long ago... yet the fall began before the first bite was taken - it had started in their hearts first and foremost, and that is where all our sin first takes its root too... is it not? Maybe I'm wrong too...

I look at these words and they seem very far away... I think my eyes are just tired. They've seen too much sunshine today - though I love sunshine, there's only so much I can handle at one point.

What use is a weapon that sees no wear and no sharpening? That isn't wielded in battle? That's just left there in the dust, while the one who was supposed to use it gets beaten repeatedly, in small and large ways, b/c they themselves chose not to pick it up? Or just 'forgot' it was there? What use is anything if it is not actually used?

Where is your joy truly from?

Amazing --- that Christ died for me... that He chose me long before these rainy days, before the beginnings of time and space, and that even in these times He still gives me reminders of how much He loves me, even though I feel I not deserve forgiveness (which is true) and so decide that I shouldn't ask for it (which is not good because-therefore logic, even though it sounds pretty good to me)

So today I got a really weird bruise from setup - I had no idea how it happened, but it kept growing throughout the day - so by the end of the day (now) it was just a bit blob of purple on my hand. I thought it was funny at first, but upon seeing it in the midst of my blahness, I was suddenly pummeled by this song:

The nails in your hands, the nails in your feet, they tell me how much you love me. The thorns on your brow, they tell me how you bore so much pain to love me... And when the heavens pass away, all your scars will still remain, and forever they will say how much you love me.

Forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is yours ~

Am I not already consecrated to God? Consecration happens once for all, and it happens everyday as well... it's an active choice, as it is a choice that God has made for us too who are saved - just as we are resanctified, we are also reconsecrated to Him day by day, as we make it intentionally so... and all in the grace of God.