Monday, September 29, 2008

Feeling yellow

And a little green, a bit purple, a tinge orange, and all shades of blue. Oh, and kind of grey too, but that's probably because I feel not very hygienically acceptable right now. :( I need to shower.

It's Monday. I want a day off. I don't think I even know how much I need a day off.

I feel like I'm always just making it. Can I please not do that? I have 30 minutes.

哎...

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Strange. A block.

On the way back just now, Vaneh said she suddenly felt strangely insecure. I realized, thinking back now, that I'm suddenly feeling strangely insecure too... I don't know exactly why, and I think I don't want to think about it either. Actually, I'm just very tired and my art isn't getting done and my laundry isn't getting folded. Double whammy. But no really, I often can not enunciate my thoughts... I'll have them boiling in my head, sometimes already decided and sometimes not, but most of the time, in either case, unsaid and unclarified. I think that's partly why I like to hear others' thought processes - because it helps me break down my own, since I seem to be so afraid to actually go do it myself.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

You know it's late when...

You go into an elevator, press the wrong buttons, get out on the wrong floor anyway even though you pressed the at least one of the right buttons, back track the stairs, then go back to the elevator to rebacktrack. And forget that it's the same elevator that you just used. Did that make sense at all?

So I got on the elevator with the intention of going up to 4th floor (I know, so lame - why not walk right? :( :( :( ), but I pressed both the 3rd and 4th floor buttons. I get off at 3rd floor for some reason (b/c the door opened there first ok?) and then walk up the stairs to 4th floor. Then I go back to the elevator to go back down to 3rd floor (why? I don't know.) and found myself thinking, "hey, this looks like the one from third floor!"

.............

For lack of better words, I think I'll just end this post here. It's not really that late though. I think this happened around 12. :( Shame...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Thirsty...

I know that God's ultimately in control... I know that whatever happens, no matter how unbearable or wonderful or anything in between, it's all in His hands...

As I sit here with my styrofoam bowl of melted ice cream and oreos and whipped cream and walnuts, my neuro notes from the past year splayed out before me on all 3 levels of my desk, and silence in my hallway - something I don't think I've heard for a long long time (oh the irony) - I can't help but feel like feeling nothing. I try to grasp onto whatever tingling of thought or emotion or reason that I can find, but I find instead that I can't find anything.

I think I'm being weaned off of my dependence on emotions, and I understand why that is so so important too... but heck, I don't want to be weaned off anything. :/ Merrr... Yet now I do find myself sitting in a pile of chaos, feeling nothing in the face of more chaos. And all I can do is cling onto what I do know - that God is ultimately in control and that it's all in His hands...

And I can look back, I've been blessed to be able to look back to the past few months, even the past few days, and see that regardless of what my short memory and emotions and weak convictions may tell me, He is there and He is sovereign. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord! Thank you for changing hearts...

.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

What's up?

Let your first love be the One who first loved you...

We love because he first loved us. - John 4:19

Until you fully understand love, you cannot fully love. Hmm... does that mean that we will never be able to fully love then? Can we ever fully understand it? Maybeeee... or is it that as we love more fully, we begin to understand love more? I think that it's the other way around... 

The same does not necessarily go for the first like... Let your first like be the one who first liked you? Hahah that doesn't work so well. I think the first person I've ever liked (ok, "liked") was back in 2nd grade. How is that possible? I don't understand how little kids can have "crushes"... But fine, I still don't understand how grown men and women can have crushes. Or likes. Or like-likes. Like-like-likes? Liek! Leeks. Mmm... leeks... Bah, all that is beyond me.

And I need to clip my nails. I arranged all my nail polish in a nice little circle, in order of color, then bottle size, then transparency. I am so OCD. :(

A long day is ahead... get some rest little one, for time waits for nothing. Except itself.