Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And also

Wow, the feeling of looking back and forth at the me and the you's and the them's of the past, be that yesterday or 10 years ago... It's like flying.

Kind of like the thing we did at ST... There's such a sense of freedom - I don't know if I could describe "soaring" in any better way. All that's on our side is to trust and obey... haha "all that's on our side", as if it's simple. But then, it is in some ways isn't it?

Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

--- Isaiah 40:28-31

What does it mean to soar on wings like eagles? Once in a while, through His grace, we are allowed a small glimpse..

A [Mathematical] Equation








Sunday, March 29, 2009

Grossness continued

Maybe it's because we're really really really just that gross inside. Maybe it's because we were born and tied and bound to this sinful nature that will not leave us no matter how much we scrub... maybe it's because that's how we were destined to be in the first place, because of the first sin of man so long ago... yet the fall began before the first bite was taken - it had started in their hearts first and foremost, and that is where all our sin first takes its root too... is it not? Maybe I'm wrong too...

I look at these words and they seem very far away... I think my eyes are just tired. They've seen too much sunshine today - though I love sunshine, there's only so much I can handle at one point.

What use is a weapon that sees no wear and no sharpening? That isn't wielded in battle? That's just left there in the dust, while the one who was supposed to use it gets beaten repeatedly, in small and large ways, b/c they themselves chose not to pick it up? Or just 'forgot' it was there? What use is anything if it is not actually used?

Where is your joy truly from?

Amazing --- that Christ died for me... that He chose me long before these rainy days, before the beginnings of time and space, and that even in these times He still gives me reminders of how much He loves me, even though I feel I not deserve forgiveness (which is true) and so decide that I shouldn't ask for it (which is not good because-therefore logic, even though it sounds pretty good to me)

So today I got a really weird bruise from setup - I had no idea how it happened, but it kept growing throughout the day - so by the end of the day (now) it was just a bit blob of purple on my hand. I thought it was funny at first, but upon seeing it in the midst of my blahness, I was suddenly pummeled by this song:

The nails in your hands, the nails in your feet, they tell me how much you love me. The thorns on your brow, they tell me how you bore so much pain to love me... And when the heavens pass away, all your scars will still remain, and forever they will say how much you love me.

Forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is yours ~

Am I not already consecrated to God? Consecration happens once for all, and it happens everyday as well... it's an active choice, as it is a choice that God has made for us too who are saved - just as we are resanctified, we are also reconsecrated to Him day by day, as we make it intentionally so... and all in the grace of God.

Saturday, March 28, 2009


Cat: Why are we so gross?
Me: I dunno..
Cat: Maybe it's b/c we're at girls schools

Jephthah's Daughter

Back from DC... the things that I learned are all keepsaked in my journaljournal, and some written in the DC blog for all to read ~ God is faithful...

God said to Jephthah that He would help them defeat their enemies, the Ammonites... yet Jephthah did not trust in God completely, and made a vow to sacrifice whoever came out of his house to meet him after battle IF God saved them. And God saved them indeed. Thus, Jephthah's daughter died... because of her father's lack of faith...

Jephthah's daughter - what was her name? We aren't told, and we may never know (until we meet her in Heaven?) ~ but her faith was amazing too. She replied, without hesitation, that what her father promised to the Lord he must fulfill. I wonder, how old was she? Would I be able to say that? She did not cry out and beg for a change in this, but kept firmly to it... I don't know how much of this was because of her love for the Lord, but dude, how many of us would be able to say, "Yes Lord, take my life if that be Your will..."???

On the way back from DC, I seriously thought the plane was going to crash (as did Liz) - I was freaking out, but I also thought, "Lulu, if you were to die now, or maybe in 20 minutes on this plane, in pain and in flames, would you be joyful anyway? Would you be able to praise God all the way down? Would you be able to give up your plans for the rest of your life, be content to leave the earth as you are?" 

And after much thought... I realized, yes and no. I would be happy to go meet God face to face, I would love it!!! Dude, that'd be awesome, minus all the flames and stuff. No, I wouldn't be so overjoyed in that moment of well, not so happyness. But then, who am I to choose my way out? Who am I to decide to tell God, "Hey Daddyo, can I go in peace in my sleep? You know, bypass all that pain and whatnot?" Jephthah's daughter had no choice... rather, she chose what honored God, which was a promise, however rash and stupid, to the Lord... 

In our case, there may not be a rash "deal" broken out with God. There may not be a battle in which, because we doubt, we make a terrible bargain with God. But, how often do we still do so? How often do we try to test God's faithfulness? Or the limits of His ability? We may not think it straight up in our heads, but we surely think it inside somewhere, even beyond the reaches of our own understanding...

But God says, "Come to me...", those who are weary, of life, of themselves, of the world. "Come to me... and I will give you rest." Rest from our worries, from our lack of faith in Him, from our selfish desires and our prideful selves that drag us down so much... and we don't even know it! Look up and be saved.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sunny Tuesday

I've been posting a lot. Hahaha
Today is Happy St. Patrick's Day! Doodle designed by Doodle 4 Google Ireland winner Evan O'Sullivan Glynn St. Patrick's Day! I totally forgot. I would have worn my gear - green/clovery shirt+socks+whatnot :( But now I'm just wearing grey and black D: Bummer... One time back in kindergarten, I busted out the greens on the 16th to school. Oops. Clearly I don't know my holidays.

We have St. Patrick's Day brownies at the office today :) Also, God provides! He provided an awesome ride to work via coworker-who-came-back-from-dunkin-donuts-along-moody-st-just-as-i-was-walking-to-the-office-from-the-commuter-rail.

I also had a wonderful talk with my daddyo on the way to the rail :) Love my family... but most of all, God is awesome. Regardless of the situation at hand (or foot).

The scrolly thing on this mouse is broken :( It doesn't go down... only up. It's kind of saddening to not be able to hear the little 'clikclikclik' that it's supposed to make as I scroll down a page... Wah!

Mice have high accuracy and high speed - very nice user interface. Look how far we've come!

A brief history:

The first mouse... GHETTO! But it worked.

Rolly ball mice. And the joys of cleaning them. One time I put lotion on the inside of the mouse... and it didn't squeak for weeks! :)

Other rolly mice. They work upside down and sideways! Awesome.


Laser/optical mice - very nice very nice

Laser pointer mice - you know, just in case.

Creepy mice.

Versatile (nerdy) mice.

Multipurpose (confusing) mice.

Alien mouse.

Prehistoric mouse.

Cute mice. Hahahhaaha

And Walle. He's not a mouse, but his movie showcased mice. And he's awesome.

End break.

My feet smell. Sad face.

One thing I remember - Yao's feet never smell! At least not yet. I was utterly shocked. Maybe she's that girl who doesn't ever fart, burp, poop, or insert-any-unsightly/smelly-bodily-function. So they DO exist...

An introduction to my thoughts right now - I'm going backwards in a stream, against an ever-flowing current, which doesn't pause for breathing breaks or let down for the weak to progress even a tiny bit. Sooner or later, this stream will lead to the river, where any hesitation on my part will bring me back so much more - good thing I'm not the one swimming. On my own at least...

What brings comfort? Sometimes a hot bowl of soup is comfort, or a cool breeze, warm sunshine - maybe it's white rice with peas and eggs and shrimp on a cold night, or the smell of Malaysian soy sauce, or fuzzy slippers and smiles of good friends. 

Ultimately we can't depend on these for comfort - even on the warmest, more sincere, most loving of friends and family... True, they may bring deep comfort, but ultimately, that is all drawn from the source of comfort that is God. Holy Spirit, Comforter... 

Let your strength be from Him and Him only... your security be founded on Him and Him only. Your love be first and foremost to Him, your passions and desires all for His loves too... Ahhh Lord knows how hard it is. Literally. But He's there through it all.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


王力宏 has such good English... I forget that and everytime I hear him sing in English I am a little shocked. 潘玮柏 also has really good English. Why is my English so not good? Dang...

My nails are painted!

It is a beautiful day. Not only b/c it's sunny and warm (it's nearing 60! duude...) but b/c this is the day that the Lord has made. Approach it with gladness... b/c God is good!!!! It's 3:25.

Friday, March 13, 2009

What are you waiting for?

- Natalie Grant 

Sometimes I get that overwhelming feeling - so sad, those faces on TV...  If I tried to make a difference, would it help anyway? But then I stop and to myself I say, "So you wanna change the world - What are you waiting for? You say you're gonna start right now - What are you waiting for? It only takes once voice so come on now and shout it out! Give a little more - What are you waiting for?"

Sometimes I feel a little helpless - seems like I can't do a thing. But anything is possible, just you wait and see -  good things happen if you just believe! So you wanna change the world - What are you waiting for? You say you're gonna start right now - What are you waiting for? It only takes once voice so come on now and shout it out! Give a little more - What are you waiting for?

Someday somehow, gonna take that step cause time is ticking away. Right here right now before it's too late, gonna face tomorrow today - 
So you wanna change the world - What are you waiting for? You say you're gonna start right now - What are you waiting for? It only takes once voice so come on now and shout it out! Give a little more - What are you waiting for?

There are some things worth waiting for, and some that we should wait for. But other things not so much - why wait to follow in God's footsteps? Why wait to give our heart and mind and soul, all fears and desires to Him? Why wait to obey His voice, to love Him without holding back? Why should we wait until "later", when the time is "right" or "better"? What do we know about time anyway? Except that it passes by in an hourglass permanently glued to a table, with no rewind button... 

I realize now... I can say with full assurance that I know nothing except that which He has revealed to me... I can rest assured in being unsure of my immediate future. I can have peace in the midst of storms, safety in the torrents of chaos, because my safety and assurance lie in something not named Circumstance, Accomplishment, or Luck, but in Someone named Jehovah-Elohim, El-Elyon, Adonai, Jesus! 

Isn't it awesome? Our Lord is God. Wooooooow... 

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


The essence of hands-free-ness.

I think I've invented the bluetooth umbrella.

Problem: Too many things to carry, not enough hands. And it's rainy out.
SolutioN: Put the umbrella handle inside your coat. See below.

It's almost as awesome as this:

It's genius I tell you. It may not look good but hey, who cares about appearances?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A quick lesson in resume/cover letter/portfolio preparation

Spell check and grammar check like a fiend.

My supervisor: "When I go through these piles of applications, after the 5th spelling or grammar mistake I just stop reading."

Don't be that guy. (Or girl) And actually, 5 mistakes is really generous already.

And hey! I'm back at my old desk, where there is now a little basket with my name on it. Nice.

Monday, March 9, 2009

[The H2O in the atmosphere] is raining [down from altitudes where they have been condensed into clouds]

I like using the word pregnant, though I probably should not because I am a female and it can be shocking or confusing when heard in the wrong context. But in either case, I've been feeling pregnant - expectant - anticipating what there is to come. With nervousness too... and some fear that should not be there. It's so relaxing to watch the raindrops fall into puddles, the soft ripples they create, the plops and blips and dollops of water that they produce. It's calming.

I've been reading Authentic Beauty, courtesy of Helen. :) I read Captivating over the break, and there are many many parallels... hahaha - why? Because they are founded on the same truth, written with love by both authors, with the same ultimate desire to glorify God by perhaps helping some young woman out there to realize just a bit more how her identity and worth and joy is based solely in Christ... It makes me so happy to see their love for God and for others, their earnest hope that girls and women alike fully embrace their true Lover and Love and the truth that He speaks instead of the trash that is thrown at them by the World.

How many are there who hurt so much, have been scarred so deeply, feel beyond hope?  How many are there who naively, or confidently, or desperately place their joys, security, and hope in careers, relationships, or things, only to have these precious treasures of their hearts abandoned, ripped apart and thrown at their faces, shredded and tossed to the wind? How many, how long, how much more? It's so heartbreaking... so much when I see it in my own life, when I see it in my friends' lives, when I realize that there are so many more who suffer through this in silence, who don't know that there is more, that the One makes this possible wants so much for them to see His love for them, to embrace His sacrifice for them, to give their all to Him because He can and will hold it more securely than they can imagine, that He can give them this only Truth and this only Life. WAH!

Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.
- Proverbs 37:4

Why does this work?  Because when you fully delight yourself in the LORD, your desires will be His desires, your love what He loves... and how much does God love to give good gifts to those He loves and who love Him?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Thoughts archive.03.05.09

[and a lot of them. don't judge meeeeeee :) ay!]

It's sunny outside... I woke up to a blindingly bright day, to the clicking of roommate's keyboards, to a rushed hustle and bustle of getting ready, chatting, preparing myself for a long day called Thursday. 
I've been drinking more and more coffee recently. The snow looks like icing, strewn along the sidewalks, glistening in the light and waiting for me to slip and fall into it. It's quite inviting. And distracting. I was walking to the library one night, looking at the snow on the ground, when I suddenly ran into a tree branch. The other day I was walking to work too, looking downward to (not slip on something) when I suddenly looked up and saw a wall of snow. I also stepped in dog poo that day.
How can you lead if you can't even follow? How can you care for others if you can't even care for yourself? It's kind of like the verse about the log in your own eye and the speck in your brothers' - isn't it hypocritical? I used to look at that passage and thought that it was a good thing to do what it says you shouldn't do - isn't it loving to want to care for your brother's speck? Isn't it like putting him/her before yourself? *buzzerrr* Not so. Love your neighbor as yourself. So, how are you loving yourself?

I just received my first rejection letter! Or email. I expect there are many more to come... 

God is so good!!!!! Even in the midst of scatteredness, feeling lost in an empty sea of coldness, there is warmth in His love and we are never too far from His reaches... It's so amazing to be used to lift someone up, if just in the smallest way...

I was thinking just now, as I walked down the stairs of death, (which actually aren't that bad - you just have to find the right footing, and step on the ledges at your pivoting point so that your weight is evenly balanced and you have a secure niche to stand in. oh, and not wear heels) about
choices, slightly in honor of this past weekend... The hardest choice to make is that between one good thing and another good thing (it's just a wee bit harder than choosing between one bad thing and another bad thing - I learned these in psych back at Wayzata. Which, speaking of, I just met an alum at Wellesley from! That was such bad engrish. It was my pre-first-round-interview for a summer job, and we ended up talking for more than an hour about the old happenings of Wayzata HS and Plymouth, MN - it's good to [see] a familiar [face] - I really like parenthesis huh).

Often, when I (and I won't try to project this into a generic "we", however true it may be) am faced with such a situation, I wonder, which will be more glorifying to God? In which situation will I be able to best reflect Him and serve Him? In which situation can He do the most work through me? Which is the choice that He wants me to make? And so on and so on. I think those are legitimate questions to ask, and not only that but good to too! But only to an extent... when I thought this way in the past, it's always been in a paradigm that if I made choice A, I would be following God the most and therefore allowing Him to work the most in me. If I made choice B on the other hand, I would be limiting what opportunities He'd have for His workmanship more... But as I walked down those stairs of death, I think that I suddenly was hit with a realization that perhaps it's
not so.

Why would any choice that we make limit God? Perhaps a certain choice/direction/path we take is not as 'opportunistic' as another, or as logical, practical - sometimes those choices are more clearly not the best. But the point is, how can we say that anything we do can limit God? God is limitless. Nothing a little human sprite can do can box in what God can do, or otherwise diminish His sovereignty... Nevertheless, my paradigm has been turned upside down. Or maybe 27 degrees counterclockwise.

Speaking of 27, some of my
favorite happy numbers:

It seems that usually, peoples' favorite numbers are smallish, i.e. not in the 4 digits or more... Why is that? Is it b/c it's too hard to remember? Personally, I can't really remember more than 4 digits at a time. I guess that's an acceptable reason then.

Now, onto
Numb3rs !!!!

3 and 7 are both yellow to me - kind of a mix between a lemony yellow and ATD-sweatshirt yellow. They're definitely solid, not hollow or engraved. They're very sturdy, kind of makes me want to eat them. 2 and 8 are both kind of milky, though 2 feels very pure and likeable to me, and is slightly softer and milkier than 8, which is a bit more marbley and elusive. 4 is a dark pit of green, and 5 is kind of a dark (but lighter than 4) purplish. 4 has a dark background as well - it's kind of indistinguishable from the background and it makes me a bit nervous. Sometimes it's purple. 5 is actually quite undefined sometimes too - it's got a bit of yellow sometimes, and other times it has a diamond checkered pattern. But I get that mixed up with 6 sometimes b/c they're both not clearly defined at all times. 9 is definitely black, ebony, very elegant, smooth and shiny, very rich and makes me think of musk. 0 is slightly like 2 and 8 but not quite as defined. It's on a white background and kind of disappears into it sometimes, but it's not as elusive as 8 (although 8 is more clearly defined than 0) and it's not as undefined as 5 and 6. I know it's there and it's quite reliable. 1 is dark and kind of dingy... kind of like halfheartedly inked print on ricepaper. 6 is also a dark kind of greenish? with a background too? But all in all those last two are not really impressionable for me... Last semester, 6 was a clear, crystalline purpley-blue, and it was on a light greyish background (not gray though. 1 used to be on a gray background, and it was still quite dingy and dark) and it used to be relaxing to me. But this semester it's not so much... This semester it's almost like a wary pit that I'd like to avoid.

So 3 and 7 are the most appealing to me, as I want to eat them. But they also bring me an amount of joy and relaxation. 7 is more feminine than 3 though, more of a delicate yumminess. 21 on its own (meaning just the digits themselves) is kind of like ying and yang with the pure, likeable pearlyness and the ehhhh/apathetic/unstable dingyness of 1... but I think it's beautiful! Partly because it's also the product of 3 and 7. It's like their lovely, insecure, still-growing-up-but-never-quite-will-because-its-a-number child. 38 I just really like for some reason that I haven't figured out yet. And 52 I've always just liked to say. Fifty-two!!!

I think I'm insane.