I'm amazed.

I'm reminded over and over of how awesome God is...

These blogs are supposed to be a review for myself of what happens each day... The thing is though, I also don't read through it again, so I'm not making myself aware of how much God's worked in my life...

By peering back through the looking glass, examining all of the lilies that fall into my life each day, I want to be more aware, more awe-struck, by how Great our God is. That's the reason I even made this blog... And then named them such silly things. Heh heh...

I'm Amazed.

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me 

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

Music and lyrics by Jared Anderson
© 2004 Vertical Worship Songs
CCLI# 4221021

It's official.

I quit my job at the Davis.

:) :( :/ :\ :| 8| X| :{ :{( E|(:{D

| /
(| )-Ox
| \

< ; )
( ~~ )>

(| |)
( '-' )
(^ ^)o

/\ /\
(OvO)
(| ,, |)

O( ._.)0
/( )\
~ || ||.
/\_/\
(o__o)
(_____)~

/\_/\
(o w o)
(_____)~

/\_/\
(o u o)
(_____)~

Stuck

Between a rock and a hard place - where both seem equally good and bad, have people espousing them on both sides, and cannot be left abandoned. Mer.

I'm not much better. Actually, I'm the same. I guess this is what empathy is... or maybe it's just a way to see things in a wider scope.

What's your life analogy?

I'm posting a lot

For one day. Maybe that's a sign of further emo-ness! Boooo being emo is never in style. That's ok. It may be because I'm thinking a lot too - which is both a good and bad thing.

I think God gave me a realization today - I've always said to myself and to others that God will never give us a situation that we can't handle, and I took that from 1 Corinthians 10:

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."(v12-13)

In context, Paul was writing to the Corinthian church about the sins that the Israelites had made in the past, as a reminder to not repeat the same things. He tells them here that God will never give us a temptation that we cannot bear... and that He is faithful and will always provide a way out. I applied that to other circumstances too, thinking that God would never give us a situation that we couldn't handle.

I may or may not be right about what I'm thinking now - but I now disagree. Just because Paul tells us that God will not give us temptation that we can't handle doesn't mean that He'll likewise not give us any other circumstance that we can't handle. And when I say "we can't handle", I do mean something that we ourselves cannot handle - I think that's an important distinction that I never clearly made before... I held before that we can only do anything we do through God - now I hold that we can only do anything because God does it through us. A slight change on words, but I think an entirely different meaning...

And also, taking from Enoch's sermons the last few weeks, we face adversity so that we will turn to God and give up our idols. On top of that, God makes our hard situations harder and even impossible so that we truly depend on Him. Gideon's 300 men versus men numbered as the sands of the shore = impossible situation. That was something that he obviously could never have been able to handle. Never! But God was the one working, so of course, numbers and strength and anything else we could place our bets on don't matter at all.

So... that brought me to think today - God does give us situations that we cannot handle. But it's not so He can stand there and watch us fail miserably and laugh - it's so we really learn to turn fully to Him, 100%. Because even though they are situations that we cannot handle, we're not the ones meant to handle them in the first place.

Well, I hope that I'll remember this when those impossible situations do come along... I have confidence in God though - more and more so as these times have moved on... YAY GOD!

On another note, blogger lets you decide what time to post it! So I'm arbitrarily setting this to be posted at 3:21AM :) I like those numbers. If only I could control the seconds too... then I'd say 3:21:07 - my 3 favorite numbers :D I'm such a nerd.

(a ridiculously long winded post)

I think I'm PMSing - It's around that time again.
But! Even so, it doesn't mean I should make light of my problems, because I have problems. Merr.... I guess I'm very discouraged right now... Because of work, because of school, because of relationships, because of how painfully lacking I am in so many ways...
I could rant so much right now. But ranting isn't necessarily the best way to deal with my problems.. At least not to this online world, even if only a few people can see it. I know I need to go to God, and I was so thirsty to just hear and read what His Word says as I was leaving work... except now I feel kind of dry again.
Is this just another trough in the cycles of mood? Is it just a result of my overly active hormones waiting to explode on me and attack? Or is it something more? Is this just one of the adversities that I know will be coming? Is this a test God's placed on me, asking me if I really truly trust Him? Is this going to become that impossible situation, where nothing I do will ever get me out in one piece? Where all I can do is trust Him? Because nothing else will matter?
I was reading Prov 19 today... And it spoke of the fool who is unwilling to learn. Am I that fool? Am I so blinded by my own situations that I cannot see the dangers ahead? Am I walking a tightrope that is no longer whole, that will eventually dissolve? Maybe others can see what I can't, that the end of the rope is near, or that I'm walking a downwards slope... Or maybe they are wrong - maybe this is a path worth taking because it is the one that I was meant to be finish. Right now, I have no idea. None. I keep countering myself in both cases, and keep on arguing both sides... I know I'm biased though, and I know that my imperfections will never allow me to see clearly in any case. But that doesn't mean that I am not going to finish, or that I should get off now. Both are risks, one greater than the other... What am I supposed to do?
I think now I do feel totally helpless. Every way I look to seems like it's blocked off - darkened and murky and blurred. Heh - there is no "better" way right now, so far as I can see. All ways are equal and they all stink.
There are always those stories of people who went against all odds, against what people told them and against what society knew to be true - and they succeeded. But there are so so so many untold stories, so many close-to-home events that I know are more likely and more realistic - of the failures of those who walk along those types of paths. What am I on? I can't see everything, by walking with my eyes toward my feet. I won't be able to see the things that are up ahead if I only look down. But at the same time, I won't be able to see the holes in the ground, the frayed paths along my feet, if I only look up and out.
Of course, nobody can see the future... we only know by what we've previously experienced. And playing life by those chances - is that really what life is about? Is that even the question to ask? Am I just thinking in a totally wrong paradigm?
Um, right now, I just don't know. Right now, all I want is for time to stop - just stop and let me think, let me reflect, let me gather myself... before you start again and everything else starts piling on... Too bad life doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna make me that spinach and artichoke dip now. And some fried rice. Ahhhh food...

Internal Struggles

That may or may not be so serious.

I miss people but I don't call :( I think that is actually pretty serious. Yea. Shame on me :( I need to plan my time better so I actually have that time to call them... If only we had 72 hours in a day. I might die.

Mmmm spinach and artichoke dip :) nom nom nommmm

Ass-u-me

You can never assume anything... And when people say, "oh, it's safe to assume that _________", I just think to myself that it's impossible. I too am guilty of assuming... too often, too often.

I think that's why it's so important to ask, to check up, to clarify - but maybe not every situation allows for that? Then you have to find another way? But that just doesn't seem right. It's like when people have a problem with someone - I think they should just tell the other person to their face. I think that's the most respectful and loving - rather than going to someone else about it first... I guess that each situation would be different though. There may be times when you won't be able to tell that person face to face in a healthy way unless you work it through in your own mind first - and maybe it helps certain people to work it through their minds by talking over it with someone else? But even if that's the case, you have to be so careful about it...

I know perfection isn't attainable - or at least, extremely difficult to do - but we can at least make a better effort and not just spew at each other behind each others' backs... Gossip is so so so easy to fall into. Especially when it's under the label of "let's pray for..." or "can you please help me with..."

It's annoying sometimes. The fact that we're terribly imperfect people makes life so hard. Mer.

So many lines.

It's 2:26 am. AHH!!! But I had a great conversation that I wish could have gone on longer...

All said though, I wish I had been there for you longer, that I had been there for you sooner, that I had done more, that I had made more effort... I'm sorry maaaaa D:

Maybe this will be the first of many more phone dates to come :) I love phone dates. Even though sometimes they may be filled with silences. That's just because I'm thinking though. Merh.

For now, I'm going to try to set up appointments and make things more intentional... dahhhh if only we had like 72 hours in a day.

Right now actually, I'd be happy to just stay up all night and keep talking. And talking, and talking and talking... like the energizer bunny, except Duracil works better. Did I spell that right?

Um, that's probably not a good idea though.

So right now, I'm feeling kind of loopy.  Not just in the sense that it's kind of late - also that everything seems to be looping together and tangling up into knots. Ok, not everything. That's a huge exaggeration. But things in general?

Tomorrow is Family Night. Actually, today is Family Night. Ahh it's Sunday!

Really, time has flown by so quickly. I feel like summer began just a couple weeks ago, rather than a whole 2 months ago. There's a big flying bug around my head. Get awaaaaayyyy

All that I need is a little more life in my day... not more minutes or more hours, but more life... And there are so many ways that could happen.

Take some time to just stop and smell the roses. Cat said this before, and I voice it again. Please, stop picking the flowers and putting them into jars and then just forgetting about them. Enjoy the beauty of the flower, the fragrance of the flower, in its state and just where it is... We don't need to snatch things before their time...

Everything just seems so shallow sometimes. Am I just really cynical at the moment? Maybe I'm just being emo. EMOOOOOO EMU

Dahh. The end.

About Learning

Once again. I was just reminded of some of my frustrations. Mostly with myself. But also with others - though I should have no reason to be?

I wrote about this once in my xanga - I think that learning by crashing and burning can be super effective - but it's much wiser to learn through others' experiences.

Yes yes, we may remember things better when we actually experience things ourselves, and sometimes that experience is so necessary for other things... Learning by feeling and experiencing can mean that we learn and remember better. Yes. I agree. BUT, I still consider it foolish to dive into something you've seen others fail multiple times in.

I think wisdom in one form is being able to learn from others' mistakes. Being able to discern what should and should not be taken from others' experiences.

To say that it's better to crash and burn often shows a lack of maturity I think - not about the person saying it necessarily, but about the person it refers to. Sure, you'll end up with a lot of battle scars, but what does that really show? It shows you have a lot of experience, and a large history of many foolish actions.

This is not to say we should not ever take risks. But there is a difference to taking a risk and taking a plain old stupid risk. I guess that's up in the air too - of what is and isn't stupid. Fine fine, because everything is a disputable matter in that case. True. There are merits to both. But this is my stance - take it or leave it.

Unnecessary

I keep thinking back to Mrs. Swiggum's blurb in BioX 3 years ago - if it's a floater, you're all good, but if it's a sinker, you need more fiber.

I need more fiber.

I really miss my mom's green beans... Mmmm so good D: I tried making them the other day, but I was minus 2 ingredients and I probably made a bad choice in my substitutions... Ah, and there was too much ginger. :/ Green beans and ginger don't seem to mix too well. Maybe it's just me.

I've also been able to finally break out of my room into the porch! Pictures to come.

One more thought - Trader Joe's instant miso soup is the worst idea ever. Or maybe it's just the worst instant miso soup ever. Mao...

And oh, so many unnecessary things. What do you do?

A day in the office

The internet was down today for about an hour...

So we cranked out the Wii and feasted on artichoke/shrimp/chicken/3 cheese pizzas. Mmmm...

It's interesting weird to see grown men, some of them well into their 60s, playing pop-the-bubbles (or whatever it's called) on that machine.

What kind of pass should I get? By the time anybody gives me a response I'll probably have boughten it already.. (is that even a word?) 59.00 for the one that gives me local bus and subway access, or 89 for the one including ferry access and express bus? I calculated it all out - all of my expected transportation costs for every day of August (ahh so OCD) So if I were to take the subway instead of the bus, I'd save about $20... but what about that opportunity cost of "just in case something happens"? Marhhhhh D: D: D:

Oh money... I've started an official tablet fund. Would anybody like to donate? :D