Thursday, July 24, 2008

Brutally Honest

Sometimes you just need to be brutally honest to yourself - even if it hurts, pokes at your pride, deflates that balloon of yourself you blow up.

So this past weekend - I went through a pretty big wave of ups and downs. Ups - lunches and dinners and movies with friends, meeting up with people I haven't seen in half a year, having really good conversations. Downs - Fiora's heart attack, and, well...

Fiora's situation... it cracked open my insides and poured forth so much about myself that I didn't realize I had - or maybe that I didn't want to admit that I had. I came to understand more my lack of understanding of God, and my lack of faith. Even as I prayed and asked others to pray, I think a part of me thought, "God's already got this in His plans - He's already decided whether she'll live or die. So what good will my prayers have?" No, I didn't directly think those words or thoughts, but I think that was the basis behind my feelings.

I know that God is sovereign, that He knows all but also plans all - that our human actions can't be solely defined as "free will" or "fatalism" or "determinism" - "solo", "go with the flow", and "it's God yo". Hehh - I don't think you can just put it in a box. Maybe you can... and maybe I'll understand this more. But my confusion - it's a sign of lack of understanding. My picture of God is still far from even half complete.

I know He's got it all in His plans, and I feel like when I pray, I am not praying with power... Often times I think of James 5:16 - "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (NIV)" or "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)" So what about me? I am far from righteous. I know that God will still listen to the prayers of the "unrighteous" in that sense. But at the same time, I am made righteous through Christ. So... God will answer my prayer? Or ... I don't know.

I have lack of confidence. In myself, but also in God. I didn't believe, or I told myself "I wasn't sure", whether or not God had Fiora's healing in His plan. Of course I don't know! But what excuse does that give me to not pray? It doesn't. In fact, I think that this showed me how little I understand the depth of God's mercy and love. I don't think I realize how much compassion God has - how He's willing to heal and answer prayers, even from terribly blah people like me.

And so, I don't understand either God's power, His love, or His sovereignty. Or really much else. Maybe I understand or know more than some people, but I don't know if I'll ever feel like it's enough. Actually I don't think it will ever be. Maybe I'm too harsh on myself, but I feel like I have to be. What can ever match up to God's standards? And then it becomes a matter of balancing this, with loving myself too... I don't comprehend it.

Also, I always say I don't have confidence in myself. I said that to Enoch, and now I realize what I was really saying. If I really believe that God is working through me, then that's the same as saying I don't have confidence in God.

I'm so frustrated, discouraged, lost... but I'm so so grateful that God's led me this far too. I need to stop being emo and start looking toward the things of above.

End rant.

1 comment:

  1. Lumama! I think it's awesome that you're thinking about this. And I think that this realization only brings you to become more humble and to realize that God is God, and we are not. And there is always more to learn about God. We can never know or learn enough, cuz God is just beyond our understanding!! @_@ But maybe this kind of realization can only result in praising Him even more, instead of focusing on our little ugly self (compared to Him, because me thinks Lumama is BEAUTIFUL!! or else you would be insulting my decision of choosing you as my spouzeh xP i guess you're the one who asked. ANYWAY, i digress. lol! ><)

    but nyea. YAYY Luma is growing!!! x] x] x] I wanted to say something else but I forgot.. o well!! Hehe WUBU!! <3 <3 <3