Tuesday, August 19, 2008

(a ridiculously long winded post)

I think I'm PMSing - It's around that time again.
But! Even so, it doesn't mean I should make light of my problems, because I have problems. Merr.... I guess I'm very discouraged right now... Because of work, because of school, because of relationships, because of how painfully lacking I am in so many ways...
I could rant so much right now. But ranting isn't necessarily the best way to deal with my problems.. At least not to this online world, even if only a few people can see it. I know I need to go to God, and I was so thirsty to just hear and read what His Word says as I was leaving work... except now I feel kind of dry again.
Is this just another trough in the cycles of mood? Is it just a result of my overly active hormones waiting to explode on me and attack? Or is it something more? Is this just one of the adversities that I know will be coming? Is this a test God's placed on me, asking me if I really truly trust Him? Is this going to become that impossible situation, where nothing I do will ever get me out in one piece? Where all I can do is trust Him? Because nothing else will matter?
I was reading Prov 19 today... And it spoke of the fool who is unwilling to learn. Am I that fool? Am I so blinded by my own situations that I cannot see the dangers ahead? Am I walking a tightrope that is no longer whole, that will eventually dissolve? Maybe others can see what I can't, that the end of the rope is near, or that I'm walking a downwards slope... Or maybe they are wrong - maybe this is a path worth taking because it is the one that I was meant to be finish. Right now, I have no idea. None. I keep countering myself in both cases, and keep on arguing both sides... I know I'm biased though, and I know that my imperfections will never allow me to see clearly in any case. But that doesn't mean that I am not going to finish, or that I should get off now. Both are risks, one greater than the other... What am I supposed to do?
I think now I do feel totally helpless. Every way I look to seems like it's blocked off - darkened and murky and blurred. Heh - there is no "better" way right now, so far as I can see. All ways are equal and they all stink.
There are always those stories of people who went against all odds, against what people told them and against what society knew to be true - and they succeeded. But there are so so so many untold stories, so many close-to-home events that I know are more likely and more realistic - of the failures of those who walk along those types of paths. What am I on? I can't see everything, by walking with my eyes toward my feet. I won't be able to see the things that are up ahead if I only look down. But at the same time, I won't be able to see the holes in the ground, the frayed paths along my feet, if I only look up and out.
Of course, nobody can see the future... we only know by what we've previously experienced. And playing life by those chances - is that really what life is about? Is that even the question to ask? Am I just thinking in a totally wrong paradigm?
Um, right now, I just don't know. Right now, all I want is for time to stop - just stop and let me think, let me reflect, let me gather myself... before you start again and everything else starts piling on... Too bad life doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna make me that spinach and artichoke dip now. And some fried rice. Ahhhh food...

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