James 3. And, Concerning Epicness and Leaky Faucets (Or Water Balloons).

This is a post about my thoughts on 1.21.09 - and a disclaimer, this post does in fact reflect me at my fullest and not so fullest, complete with excerpts of streams-of-past-consciousness/journal-scribbling* and all. As people who read my blog may already know, whoever y'all are (hey drop a hi if you haven't yet, I'd like to stalk you know who you are), this is indeed a blog that holds my thoughts and ramblings, be them reflections or revelations or straight up randomness. So, um, sorry if it's not what you're looking for... That's ok, because it's the world wide web and it can do anything. Except for the things it can't do. 

A two part story - one about something so wild and untameable that the one who is able to bridle it is given the title 'Perfect'... the other about something crystalline, glistening with an unfathomable pureness, because well, it is (quite unfathomable).

How can fresh and salt water come from the same spring? Only if there are 2 sources to the spring. OMG there's a demon* living in my body and it's me - I am God's enemy!** But God has made me his friend! Not only that but his daughter! Not only that but his bride!!! That's kind of unbelievable, except it's true.

This passage especially tore at my heart that day... I am often so uncareful with my words to others, particularly my family, and at that moment, my sister. How can blessings and cursings come from the same mouth? How can both a word that lifts up and a word that tears down come from the same mouth? Only if there are 2 sources... and how can someone serve two masters? He can only love the one and despise the other...

And as to wisdom... Wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one that doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

I read this after Cattoma urged me to. She said "Hey! This next section is about wisdom - what we talked about yesterday!*" And so I did, not at all realizing how much God would reveal to me in the process... As a quick back-story, one of the prayer requests that I had up to that point (and still have) is for wisdom. Wisdom, basically, in knowing how to live according to God's will... so I went to this passage expecting to just find what I'd found there the other times I'd read it. Little did I know, of course as I usually don't know, how much God had in store...

Even before I opened my Bible, God started speaking to me (and why would He be limited to a book anyway? :P) The whole day, I'd been feeling something akin to a water balloon that was going to pop. And as a sidenote, that has nothing to do with bodily functions - it's just the analogy I thought of at that time :|

So I went to my room and randomly flipped to Jan 18 on a Daily Prayers for China calendar... it landed on "The City of Chengdu". And my thought was this - God, how could you have used me so? How could I ever have deserved to work alongside you in that way? I'll do all the menial work, I'll sweep and clean the ground, because that's the closest thing to which I feel worthy... Yet God said to me, 'Child, even that is still working alongside me. I am there with you all the while... clearing the paths, readying the fields...' There is no task too great or too small in God's story.

Then the next thought that came to me was how much I love my parent, and how nothing I can ever do will repay them! What can I do then? I want to honor them and make them happy! How much more then would I ever be able to repay God? And how much more, more, more! do I want to please him?

I asked God how, why? Why of all creatures did you choose us humans? Why of all humans did you choose me? The hardest people, the murderers, you formed them in their mothers' wombs. The innocent child, the most loving and most hating... God you were the one who hardened Pharaoh's heart... Why then? Why did you choose me? You could have so easily hardened my heart too... and all for your glory!

The water balloon that was my heart that day - I realized how it was filled so much with tears of remorse... for the wastefulness that I saw as my life (at least parts of it. that sounds so depressing huh :P ), the terrible stewardship of what God's given to me. I looked sometimes at my actions and saw a big red stamp screaming "EPIC FAIL". Well, I don't know if it's really fail, but it's definitely epic. As fairytale and epic and adventurous my dreams (literally those REM dreams) may be, they cannot ever compare to the epicness of God's glory and of the story that He writes...

All God did in response to all my questions and tight throatedness (much like that of a frog, as I'd imagine it) was hold me in His arms... and that's all and more than I ever needed and need and will need... He allowed me a little glimpse of His everlasting love for me... haha and that's probably as much as I could have handled at that time too. Any more and I probably would have burst. Instead I just leaked a lot (again, nothing about bodily functions) Yea, I was pretty emotional... (God can use anything for His glory! Even PMS. :| ) and somewhere from the depths of my puddles came this thought - Jesus was an emotional man. 

My only clearly understandable response was this - I can't understand how glorious God is, no matter how much I ramble about it. That's awesome! That He's too awesome for comprehension. And that's awesome! That He allows us to have little glimpses of Him! Thank you God, only your hands would let me leak so beautifully. Not that I'm beautifully leaking, but that these tears are in awe of you... My smallest and my largest... they can only be beautiful when they're for you. 

Mamama, thanks for 'telling me something quick' :) This was another instance in life when a wisp of a butterfly's wings lead to an awe-ful hurricane.

And here's a song that popped up on my WMP earlier - it describes God's love so wonderfully...

What If?

Jadon Lavik

What if I climbed that mountain? What if I swam to that shore? What if every battle were victorious? Then would you love me more? Would you love me more?

What if I were everyone's first choice? What if I went farther than before? What if I stood high above the rest? Then would you love me more? Would you love me more?

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, why you do, why you do.. I'm in awe of you.

What if I ignored the hand that fed me? What if I forgot to confess? What if I stumbled down that mountain? Then would you love me less? Lord, would you love me less?

What if I were everyone's last choice? What if I'm mixed in with the rest? What if I fail what I passed before? Then would you love me less? Lord, would you, would you love me less? Oh no oh no oh no...

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, you do you do you do...

What have I done to deserve your Son sent to die for me? What can I give? I wanna live! Give me eyes to see! The world that keeps changing there's one thing that I know is true. Your love is staying, there's nothing else I hold on to. 

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do, why you do.

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do. You say I belong to you, I'm in awe of why you do... I'm in awe of you, I'm in awe of you...

The way you love me... The way you do... The way you do, the way you love... You love me, you love me! The way you do, the way you do, the way you love me! The way you love...

* edited for the general population 

** from MNO - God was our greatest enemy until He made us His friends