Last night my family had a bible study - I really really didn't want to do it, and in the end I was pretty much dreading it and feeling like blehhh about it all... but our sharing time was so precious to me - talking about what we've learned/felt about 2008, and what we hope for 2009... everytime I talk about my summer/2008/what I've learned, I start tearing up. Hahahaa --- and yea, so I did again.. but realizing how much God's provided for me this summer, how He's got me in His hands so much and how I really am so small is always humbling and awe-ful and stunning. Stunning - it's wonderful, so awesome that you can't do anything but kind of stand/sit/whatever there and gape. That's a beautiful word...
2008 was stunning then, in many many ways. In many ways, I don't understand what happened, but in many ways I do too. For 2009, I hope to be stunned in many more ways, to be be humbled and broken and open before God, and to fully live for Him. Like a jellyfish.
That said, there are many things that I'd love to see too - Like Linlin, I have a picture in my mind, a beautiful moving image of what 2009 may look like in terms of my social, academic, spiritual, personal lives - one filled with time well spent, energy well spent, toward others and toward myself and toward God in both those ways. It's beautiful! And I often sit there thinking, hey, it's so easy to just do it! These actions that I see happening are not really that complicated. They're not that hard, they're totally manageable. So why can't I do it? Or rather, why don't I do it?
If I were to take apart every minute of my life - I would realize that they're not very well spent. Countless seconds and minutes and hours are wasted, doing things that I think matter but in the long run really do not. Those wasted moments of my life are fueled by a wasted energy, by a wasted purpose and a wasted mindset - that's the root of it all. The heart of the mind, or the mind of the heart - the soul? Like the snowflake that flies this way and that, propelled by the wind with no purpose and no goal - aimless and wandering, landing wherever the wind takes it and dying when it lands. Not quite worthless, but not doing that much either. Except maybe look pretty. And cause drivers a lot of pain. Bleh indeed... But I do want to be guided by the wind, moving 'with the wind, in and out and back and forth, in an incredible dance of being.'