Thoughts archive.03.05.09

[and a lot of them. don't judge meeeeeee :) ay!]

It's sunny outside... I woke up to a blindingly bright day, to the clicking of roommate's keyboards, to a rushed hustle and bustle of getting ready, chatting, preparing myself for a long day called Thursday. 
I've been drinking more and more coffee recently. The snow looks like icing, strewn along the sidewalks, glistening in the light and waiting for me to slip and fall into it. It's quite inviting. And distracting. I was walking to the library one night, looking at the snow on the ground, when I suddenly ran into a tree branch. The other day I was walking to work too, looking downward to (not slip on something) when I suddenly looked up and saw a wall of snow. I also stepped in dog poo that day.
How can you lead if you can't even follow? How can you care for others if you can't even care for yourself? It's kind of like the verse about the log in your own eye and the speck in your brothers' - isn't it hypocritical? I used to look at that passage and thought that it was a good thing to do what it says you shouldn't do - isn't it loving to want to care for your brother's speck? Isn't it like putting him/her before yourself? *buzzerrr* Not so. Love your neighbor as yourself. So, how are you loving yourself?

I just received my first rejection letter! Or email. I expect there are many more to come... 

God is so good!!!!! Even in the midst of scatteredness, feeling lost in an empty sea of coldness, there is warmth in His love and we are never too far from His reaches... It's so amazing to be used to lift someone up, if just in the smallest way...

I was thinking just now, as I walked down the stairs of death, (which actually aren't that bad - you just have to find the right footing, and step on the ledges at your pivoting point so that your weight is evenly balanced and you have a secure niche to stand in. oh, and not wear heels) about choices, slightly in honor of this past weekend... The hardest choice to make is that between one good thing and another good thing (it's just a wee bit harder than choosing between one bad thing and another bad thing - I learned these in psych back at Wayzata. Which, speaking of, I just met an alum at Wellesley from! That was such bad engrish. It was my pre-first-round-interview for a summer job, and we ended up talking for more than an hour about the old happenings of Wayzata HS and Plymouth, MN - it's good to [see] a familiar [face] - I really like parenthesis huh).

Often, when I (and I won't try to project this into a generic "we", however true it may be) am faced with such a situation, I wonder, which will be more glorifying to God? In which situation will I be able to best reflect Him and serve Him? In which situation can He do the most work through me? Which is the choice that He wants me to make? And so on and so on. I think those are legitimate questions to ask, and not only that but good to too! But only to an extent... when I thought this way in the past, it's always been in a paradigm that if I made choice A, I would be following God the most and therefore allowing Him to work the most in me. If I made choice B on the other hand, I would be limiting what opportunities He'd have for His workmanship more... But as I walked down those stairs of death, I think that I suddenly was hit with a realization that perhaps it's not so.

Why would any choice that we make limit God? Perhaps a certain choice/direction/path we take is not as 'opportunistic' as another, or as logical, practical - sometimes those choices are more clearly not the best. But the point is, how can we say that anything we do can limit God? God is limitless. Nothing a little human sprite can do can box in what God can do, or otherwise diminish His sovereignty... Nevertheless, my paradigm has been turned upside down. Or maybe 27 degrees counterclockwise.

Speaking of 27, some of my favorite happy numbers:
3
7
21
38
52

It seems that usually, peoples' favorite numbers are smallish, i.e. not in the 4 digits or more... Why is that? Is it b/c it's too hard to remember? Personally, I can't really remember more than 4 digits at a time. I guess that's an acceptable reason then.

Now, onto Numb3rs !!!!

3 and 7 are both yellow to me - kind of a mix between a lemony yellow and ATD-sweatshirt yellow. They're definitely solid, not hollow or engraved. They're very sturdy, kind of makes me want to eat them. 2 and 8 are both kind of milky, though 2 feels very pure and likeable to me, and is slightly softer and milkier than 8, which is a bit more marbley and elusive. 4 is a dark pit of green, and 5 is kind of a dark (but lighter than 4) purplish. 4 has a dark background as well - it's kind of indistinguishable from the background and it makes me a bit nervous. Sometimes it's purple. 5 is actually quite undefined sometimes too - it's got a bit of yellow sometimes, and other times it has a diamond checkered pattern. But I get that mixed up with 6 sometimes b/c they're both not clearly defined at all times. 9 is definitely black, ebony, very elegant, smooth and shiny, very rich and makes me think of musk. 0 is slightly like 2 and 8 but not quite as defined. It's on a white background and kind of disappears into it sometimes, but it's not as elusive as 8 (although 8 is more clearly defined than 0) and it's not as undefined as 5 and 6. I know it's there and it's quite reliable. 1 is dark and kind of dingy... kind of like halfheartedly inked print on ricepaper. 6 is also a dark kind of greenish? with a background too? But all in all those last two are not really impressionable for me... Last semester, 6 was a clear, crystalline purpley-blue, and it was on a light greyish background (not gray though. 1 used to be on a gray background, and it was still quite dingy and dark) and it used to be relaxing to me. But this semester it's not so much... This semester it's almost like a wary pit that I'd like to avoid.

So 3 and 7 are the most appealing to me, as I want to eat them. But they also bring me an amount of joy and relaxation. 7 is more feminine than 3 though, more of a delicate yumminess. 21 on its own (meaning just the digits themselves) is kind of like ying and yang with the pure, likeable pearlyness and the ehhhh/apathetic/unstable dingyness of 1... but I think it's beautiful! Partly because it's also the product of 3 and 7. It's like their lovely, insecure, still-growing-up-but-never-quite-will-because-its-a-number child. 38 I just really like for some reason that I haven't figured out yet. And 52 I've always just liked to say. Fifty-two!!!

I think I'm insane.