Ever since I can remember, from early elementary on, I tried hard to be loved by those around me - friends, teachers, family, even strangers. I even remember bringing snacks for the kids at my table just to curry their favor. A people-pleaser at heart.
I also linked love with favor and approval - i.e. if somebody was disappointed in me, in my head that meant their love for me was gone. Of course, this would inevitably happen, and I interpreted this as growing evidence that I was therefore unlovable. So as the years passed, I built a thick wall of callousness around myself. I told myself that I didn't need the approval of others, and I really believed it. I began to dissociate myself from others, not necessarily in an antisocial way, but in an aloof and disconnected way, where I could prevent myself from ever losing their love and approval. I reasoned to myself, however unconsciously, that if I don't let anyone close, then I can't get hurt. If I don't let others see my faults and know my insecurities, then I won't lose anything. If I don't invest, I won't be hurt. If I don't take a leap of faith, then I can't fall.
If I don't try, I can never fail.So that became one of the core philosophies that I carried across all aspects of my life, and it infused my relationships, my work, my studies, my spiritual walk...
Praise the Lord, for he had no plans for me to stay this way. He blessed me with my family, who love through thick and thin, who know more of my faults than I care to think about, and who care more for my good than my comfort. And he blessed me with dear friends who know and love me beyond my closely guarded surface, who stick through hardships and challenge me to grow, who can show their love in truth through both approval and disapproval. Little by little through the years, the walls have been torn away. It's scary to be vulnerable, but that's where true fellowship begins.
As much as I'd like to be and try to be, I'm not a reflective person by nature. My instinct is to think just of the present, ignoring both past and future. I'm definitely a present-oriented hedonist. Reflection takes time and effort, and all too often unearths pain, guilt, and regret. But I forget that it unearths many more treasures, and deepens joy and gratitude. With remembrance comes gratitude, and with gratitude comes praise.
Praise that Lord. We cannot curry God's love - it's poured down on us, completely undeserved. There's nothing we can do to add to it, and nothing we can do to deplete it. His love is not shown simply through approval, but through gentle and firm discipline. This is a philosophy that has not infused my life, but one that I hope and pray is taking deeper hold each day.
How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.
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